I took this test that is going to decide if I can become a doctor or not.

One test. One shot.

If I fail I won't be able to move on.

I don't know what I will do. When I imagine the very real possibility that I might have failed the despair encompasses everything.

What will you guys think? You who only know me as doctor Iria. Everything, my whole persona is wrapped around medicine. I guess I could just not log on anymore. Not seeing my friends is less painful than disappointing them.

Is that true of my larger life? Is it less painful to just check out then to have to own up to being a failure? To have to endure every single look of sympathy when you know it will be combined with shock or even ridicule when I am not around?

What job could I do? Where could I go? My debt is so massive its soul crushing. Why didn't I just become a teacher or something? Why did I push this issue so hard? I knew in my heart that maybe I wasn't good enough. Now I have the chance to prove myself right or wrong.

I'm so scared that I don't want to think about it but it is all I can think about. I don't want to open that score report. I try and visualize "PASS" "PASS" please god let me pass. Is it possible to will something into being?

What if I am not supposed to be a doctor? Maybe thats why I struggled so much bc this was never my road to travel? Will that be enough to hold my head up the next day? Will that be enough to convince me that I am still worth something?

Maybe I am needlessly worrying. Maybe I passed. Maybe there are miracles.

I will know tomorrow either way. How often can anyone ever say the same? Tomorrow, for better or worse I will know my fate. Either I will be a doctor or I won't be. It all comes down to this.

And on my birthday, no less.

Rebirth. Renee. Please let me have the strength to survive whatever it is that is waiting for me tomorrow.