Do you know how bad it feels to be as profoundly lonely as I am? Sure, I have friends. We muck around. Hang out. Do the inane things that all teenagers do. But that's not enough.

I have communication issues. But even when I communicate properly, people just don't get me. And the people who do get me, well, they just don't seem to care as much as I need them to.

I break my back for them, all I want is a little closeness with a friend, and they're either unwilling to give it to me, can't be bothered, or view me as some passing triviality.

Do you know that feeling? You think this person is one of your best friends, and they're embarrassed to even be seen with you, to spend more than five minutes talking to you? And you tell them you care about them. And they sorta wave it away, almost? Just move on to another topic? It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

And then there's people who you really like, you feel a strong affection for, and they seem to push you away. Or make fun of your insecurities, when they know it's an insecurity? I don't know, but I really enjoyed talking to this person. I don't know if they care. I'm assuming they don't, they never talk to me any more.

It's at the stage where it's infinitely easier to just be a callous prick and just push people away so you don't feel disappointed when they leave you?

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."


It's a feeling that's becoming way too familiar and to be honest, I really don't understand why. While I might call myself a prick and all that, I never did anything to these people. I never do anything to people. And yet I still cop the harsh end of the stick. Such is my plight, I guess.

Next time you share a moment of closeness with a good friend, think about how lucky that makes you. Think about how some people don't have that. Cherish that moment, because somewhere, I'm sitting in front of a keyboard venting because my life isn't fulfilling enough and I'm on a forum about a mediocre anime series. Aren't I soooo cool?

Fuck.