When I look in the mirror I never see myself. It just another face encased in hair with gigantic fake smile. I'm smiling as I type this write now. I don't even know if I've even smiled for real in years. I think my facial expression and my real personality separated some years ago. Lost in the transition from wholesome Christian sheep to stone cold Atheist. I think I've almost forgotten what feeling is like. Sitting here at my computer, staring at the monitor, filtering the madness with as much music as I can find, slowly losing my eyesight, perhaps my hearing as well. My sense of smell was never really there. Taste has no meaning as my diet is incredibly limited. Touch has no meaning as , well I'll skip that. Reading my blog, or talking to me you may get the idea that I'm a pessimist. Well you're right. Though I do have small hope for the future. I'm hoping all those little good deeds I did here and there will come back to me double time. But it doesn't matter as even if they did I doubt it would amount to much. I've said before that I think because my early life was an illusory suckfest that my later life will be exploding awesome. It may be or it may not be.

It's all contingent on the people that show up. I secretly sit and hope for super really cool awesome(limited generic vocabulary, I need to go back to my hobby of dictionary reading) people show up and bring me out of my social retardery and magically turn me into a functioning adult. But, As my philosophy toward religion states. I gotta stand on my own two feet. But it's also true no great journey can be completed alone. I do believe some of my relationships forged on this grand network of tubes may in fact help me on this grand journey of life. Maybe I'm just being delusional again. But one can hope.

No one knows what the future holds. But the seeds sown today become the trees of tomorrow. I don't like strangers and have the recent tendency of looking down on people unless something about them immediately dictates to me that they have some measure of intellect. My isolation is making me more and more egocentric. In the past I could say I've been somewhat of a nice guy. But these days my thoughts just seem to be getting nastier and nastier. I don't want to become a monstrous asshole. I don't want to alienate and hurt the people close to me.