I think I was 16 when I snapped.

One day, as an overachieving, socially-stunted sophomore applying to college, I realized that after 10 years of work for the future, I found myself 10 years away from the results. And I started to feel like the future would always be a few years away.
That, I think, was the end of my direction.

I guess the reason I spend all my time on silly pursuits instead of long-term projects is that I've never found the culmination satisfying enough. I'm just as happy scoring a goal in a roller hockey game as I am when I finish something I've worked at for months. The only bonus is that I'm relieved to be rid of the damn thing, which really isn't a bonus at all considering I put the burden on myself. So silly pursuits it is. The future, as I've found, can't make me happy. I never found that any major pursuit really made me feel like a better person. I never felt like it gave me anything but more work, more things to improve, more problems to fix. I truly believe that the harder I try, the farther I get from my future [my happiness]. There's no happiness in what may happen someday.
So I learned to live for the day.

Now, I enjoy every single day of my life. [Some, it takes awhile to love. I think my record is about 8:20am the next morning, having not slept yet, before I really enjoyed the day.] It's something I'm actually very proud of, because it seems that not many people can do that.

So, when you drop by here to have a beer or get dinner or just chill, I will be happy every time. Because I've worked for five years to make it that way. Five years with the goal of simply enjoying every day and every one around me. And every day I feel accomplished. And I think I'm okay.



It's strange, because in the process from the first thought to the finish of this note (about an hour, 15 minutes of which was writing time), I went through a full range of emotions twice. I started out depressed, then pissed off at myself, then content, then ambitious with the thought of writing this out, then depressed again, and now back to content with the state of my life.