mine is troubled. content, but troubled. meeting someone who honestly cares and making such a connection, only knowing in the back of your mind it will be forever till you meet them again, and possibly never is just too daunting a task to digest.

maybe in the future, ill be on time.

the following was written on the bus while coming back from Kuala Lumpur. That place has a weird effect on me. That city has no soul.

Spoiler: one bad lot
one bad lot

the people are tired
pre-occupied with waving their
middle fingers, clenched furiously
through their
daily comings and goings.
it's most apparent when
taking the bus towards
tiny cities made of ashes.
as i stare at the backs of their
crooked heads, their hearts, minds and souls
become much less than
hearts, minds and souls
and appear much more
like everything
else...
used
and
over
used.

or in those horrid cafes
sipping more and more
of that black and wretched coffee
they take in more than simply
crushed beans,
they take in the very staleness in
the air

used
over
used

there is no time to simply fall
upon the couch, unzipping the pants
and enjoying the manner sunlight trickles
through the leaves.

the soul is no longer important
they've had the music of the ages
and words that could set
those terrible nights
ablaze
but the people do not notice it
and even when they do
they are too preoccupied
to appreciate it.

dumb fuckers
if i had my way
i'd place them all against the wall
for the firing squads like they did
Dostoevsky
it's the only hope left for
them;
the threat of death makes everyone
more aware of their
existence


Im finding the more I come in terms with my choices and being able to appreciate everything I've had, coming to amends with everything I lost (mostly shattered bonds), and trully understanding my purpose i'm becoming far too impatient with others who can't seem to do so. I finally know my path. I've always known, but never seriously considered it. Photos and words. That's all I ever want to do. Headphones, camera and all will be well. There is nothing more gratifying than losing yourself utterly in a melody, or managing to capture the moment. This hip hop guy once said that you oughta drop the cam and become part of the scene, but i think he's an idiot. Capturing that sincere moment, whatever it maybe is the one moment you trully become connected, the only moment you trully engage yourself. becuase for a change, you actually give a fuck about what's going on around you. Have you taken the time to notice how birds allign themselves on an electric wire? the way the clouds shape and form? how blue the sky can be? or how a person lost in their thoughs contains the most honest expressions humanity is capable of forming? That's why I appreciate photography so much. You become one with everythign and everyone around you. this might sound stupid, but I feel omnipotent when I take a photo. I dont want to ever stop.

I shouldn't hold it against them, not being able to find the path. not being content. for close to a year i just woke up unhappy, that's when i actually managed to fall asleep (which is so rare). unhappy, angry, frustrated and despising everyone, including myself. and im lying, for the past 22 years ive been waking up like this. even on those good days when someone you trully cared about was there for you to wake up alongside to. I remember some mornings while finally getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. That odd feeling and the though that today was the day, this is were it will begin, where I will change everything with my own two hands, that there will certainly more. the moment I will come around and be trully happy. I was stupid. everyday is like that. there is no beginning, it's happiness, and it's just then and there, and instead of contemplating when it would hit, I should simply immerse myself in it.The heart was never meant to be durable. but I'm beginning to master making it so.

and this probably makes no sense. but whatever. you know?

anyhow, two photos, one old, one new:

The Killing Joke


The Stride

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Currently Listening: De La Soul - Pony Ride
Currently Reading: Batman: Hush