you know i was happy flying around without this feeling in my heart, i was happy not to care and carry my crule false kindness around. these thoughts didnt run through my head back then, this need to see or hear from you cause it puts a smile on my face, or wondering if i'm just someones fucked up joke. i put trust in you and you havent done anything to take it away, not once, said or did anything that would make me not want to believe you. And i do believe in you, not myself, i was happy planning out how i would end this pitiful life i live, day after day. then you came, but at the sametime your not mind, just a friend, just someone close to my heart, what ever that thing is. i feel it now you know, feel it beating when i move, feel it pump faster when i hear from you and then it hurts cause those thoughts, you know which ones come to mind. none of it is your fault though, not one bit, its me that let myself go without hope for so long that the simple scent of it called me running. but now, im really confussed, i dont know my place in your life, dont know where i fit, if i fit anywhere and every now and again i feel myself fall. drop into that darkness hoping for you to pull me out and i feel worse cause i want you to pull me. im really worthless arent i, to need someone, to use that, those dirty words when i talk to you, need, want, and love. those dirty bad words.