Eden Prime;13604268 said:I know how you feel. The only people i'm around are co-workers, and all the ones my age are completely shallow minded and are actually happy to be as uneducated as they are. They will call you nerdy or geeky if you show a sign of intellegence. *sigh* Overall, it's just pathetic when you feel bad because you're more intellegent than the people around you who only want to talk about movies and the opposite sex.
Posted in the "I am depressed" thread.
Honestly. It feels like I can't relate to most of my peers. Oh I've tried... but I'm just not the laughing, happy, go with the flow type. [I'm serious, moody, and love talking about things that go bump in the night.]
I also am not willing to compromise my personality for someone else. I will try and make efforts, but I'm not going to do it for tourists. [I did make efforts, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I find it is more a matter of determination to make things work than click, click, click, boom!]
No, I don't care about football. [Hockey is the only thing I will keep up on these days.] I don't care what was on TV the other day. [Millionaire matchmaker is a terrible show that keeps me coming back for more. It's so... ridiculous.] Cars? What? I have -no- idea what you're talking about. I can't even visualize what that would be. [I know a car, truck, and van. Anything beyond that is beyond me.]
My language is peppered with larger words, and I don't think anything of it. These are words that most people should know, in my mind. I also don't think anything of my tone or the speed at which I talk. I don't talk down to people. I know I am not as dumb as a rock, but I am also not the brightest crayon in the box. I'm not pushing either way right now. Maybe it is a lack of peers as it is and to get even smarter would progressively isolate me more and more. [Isn't that an awful way to look at things? It is, but it is also true.]
Tuesday night there was a conversation at work about this. My manager goes, "God damn it! I feel so dumb talking to Gina." My coworker, Kellie, says, "I know. I do too. I'm taking a history course with her." I was included in the conversation, and all I could do was offer an apology. It isn't intentional on my part. I don't like making people feel stupid. [Unless I really, really don't like them. This is not the case with those I work with though.]
After that I did not have the heart to tell them that on the cake they used the wrong your. [It said, your a sweetiepie. Instead it needed to be you're.]
I sat through a two hour and forty five minute philosophy course that was through and through butchered last night. Earlier in the day, I sat through a remedial math course and could only balk at how much I did not know or remember. [Middle schoolers and lower classmen in high school are learning how to do this, mind you.]
I'm not obscure enough for the obscure. [I'll catch a reference now and then, but I am fully aware when I am out of my league.] I am not mainstream enough to carry a full casual conversation with most of the population. [I am so nervous that I'm tripping over my words and they are not in tune with my anxiety that shows itself proudly.] I care too much for just about everyone to deal with. [I'm the best person to have in your corner when it all goes to hell, but getting to me is too problematic for a lot of people.]
A voice in the middle of the night provided me so much... and now I don't have that anymore. I don't have late night calls. I don't have seeing someone and watching the smile light up their entire face. I don't have those simple things that made everything inspiring. To me is is about a specific person. I'm not looking for just anyone. People don't get replaced in my mind, because when I choose... I choose for very specific reasons. So and so is special to me because of this, this, and this. I can't come and go or allow people to come and go as they please without significant adjustment and time to adjust. [It's a painful process because I read "casual" as "rejection" and... for someone who is terrified of rejection it all gets blown to hell. It takes... so much for me to bend that far, but I've managed to do it twice. It isn't impossible, I've found.]
In the end, for a lot of people, I am a means to an end. I enjoy helping others wherever I can, but in the process I form attachments... and maybe in the end those are less important than moving on when the end is reached. I don't know, really. It's a guess. [Sometimes they do it without realizing what happened, and sometimes they are fully aware of what was going on. I can't speak for them though.]
I'm not a careful girl and nothing about me is casual. Nothing is easy. Nothing is... everything. [In the end it is easy. Stay with me and I'll do everything I can possibly can for you, and even attempt the impossible.]
I'll learn. I'll bend. I'll do everything I can in my power, but I don't know where I am leading to right now. I know and don't know where I am. Things have changed and this terrain is unfamiliar to me.
No man is an island, but I sure am starting to feel like one.