Before Eric left for England he gave me his cat to watch over. At first I was a little put-off by this because she was never really that warm with me and I didn't want the responsibility.

Slowly though, I grew to love Annie. Even though she has a silly human name and takes forever before she warms up. Soon she was rubbing against me and meowing for attention. Soon she would let me pet her for hours and came when I called.

One time I was so distraught about school and my life I sat weeping on the floor and she came up to me and, in what I assume to be a cat's way, tried to comfort me.

In a few short months she has become my companion. I can say with all my heart that I love her.

I watched her die this morning.

The onset of her illness was so acute that my mind is still reeling. I brought her in after 3 days of not eating and lying solemnly. I should have brought her in sooner. I know. I just thought cats are picky sometimes.

Maybe it was the food?

I'll buy her new food. The most expensive food they have.

Maybe she's got a virus?

Do cats get the flu?

I brought her in and they told me there was nothing they could do but give her vitamins and syringe feed her wet food. That'll be 300.

What about an IV? Isn't her blood count too low? Is that ok?

It's too expensive.

I would have paid it if I had known.

A transfusion?

This is something's life.

Dear God in heaven those last moments when I brought her home from the vet and tried to syringe feed her and was so happy that she stood up to drink.

In my entire life I have never seen the death gasp.

Not in humans. Not in anything.

I hate medicine.

I hate myself.

They say she was dying of leukemia and there was no way to know and her tests were all negative and no one could have guessed.

Why did they give me back her cage?

What use do I have of it?

Why is the syringe and the bowl of water still on the floor?

Where is the thing to comfort me now?

Why didn't I take her before?

Why is he coming home next week? Why not yesterday so she could have been with him? Why like this?

I don't know if I want company or to be alone.

I don't know if I have ever been in so scary a hole.

I'm so sorry Annie. I'm so sorry.