"You see, most gamblers, when they go to gamble, they go to win. When we go to gamble, we go to lose subconsciously. Me, I never feel better or more alive than when they're raking the chips away, not bringing them in, and everybody here knows what I'm talking about. Hell, even when we win, it's just a matter of time before we give it all back. But when we lose, now there's another story, when we lose. And I'm talking about the kind of loss that makes your asshole pucker up to the size of a decimal point. You know, I mean, you've just recreated the worst possible nightmare this side of malignant cancer for the 20th goddamn time and you're standing there and you suddenly realize, 'Hey, I'm still here. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive.' Us lemons, we fuck shit up all the time on purpose, because we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. Leon, gambling's not your problem. It's this fucked-up need to feel something, to convince yourself you exist."

-Walter Abrams, Two for the Money

I gamble to win. But goddamn if this didn't hit home when it comes to everything else in my life.