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A Dark Time:The Third Secret World War Begins

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Yellow, Jun 2, 2007.

  1. Yellow Ho

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    First I'll start off by saying this is my first fanfic. This has been in the making for sometime. It started with the "Pedo nins of the narutoverse" thread. In that thread something was said that inspired me to write a theory about Yondaime. The theory was well liked but many said it sounded more like a good fanfic than an actual theory. I decided to turn my theory into a fanfic but I was too lazy to do it until today. I erased the theory parts and left the fanfic part. It was much too short for a fanfic so I expanded on it and thus this fanfic was created.

    Overview: This fanfic takes place before and during the Kakashi Gaiden. We didn't get to see much during the Kakashi Gaiden. This is just my Kakashi Gaiden fantasy based on some of what we saw in KG and my own sick fantasies. You'll understand what I mean by sick fantasies once we get to chapter 2.:jk

    Now click the spoiler and read.

    Spoiler:
    Chapter 1:A Dark Time:The Third Secret World War Begins


    It was a quiet and peaceful day in Konahagakure. The sun was shining radiantly, the calm cool wind blew and the trees bloomed with the beauty of springtime. The villagers walked about saying what a lovely day it was.

    A midst this lovely day the Sandaime Hokage was in a meeting. Sarutobi despised having to spend his day in a meeting but this was of the highest priority. Sarutobi and the Elders discussed the recent actions of the Earth Country.

    Recently Iwagakure ninjas had began to invade the Hidden GrassVillage. The Iwagakure ninjas didn?t pose a threat to Konaha at the moment but the Elders knew they had to be stopped or Konaha would eventually be in danger.

    One Elder said, ?The Hidden Grass borders Konaha. If the Hidden Grass is defeated there?s a high probability that we will be the next village Iwagakure attacks.? Sarutobi and the Elders continued discussing the matter until they finally agreed that Konaha had to prevent the fall of the Hidden Grass for their own protection.

    The Elders are about to exit the meeting room when a young ninja storms in knocking one of the Elders to the floor when he swings the door open.

    The ninja says ?Sarutobi sir two of our ninjas have been killed by Iwagakure ninjas.?

    The Elder gets up from the floor and says ?Don?t you know your not supposed to enter this room unannounced??

    The ninja replies ?But two of our ninjas ha---?

    ?But nothing. Unless the village is being attacked you have no reason to barge into the meeting room and you didn?t even apologize for hitting me with the door.?

    The ninja replies, ?I?m sorry I didn?t notice I hit you.?

    Sarutobi says, ?Stop being so hard on the young man. Everyone makes mistakes. I?m sure he won?t do it again.? Everyone leaves the room and Sarutobi dismisses the ninja telling him that he?ll handle the matter.

    As sun begins to set Sarutobi sits in his office thinking of what to do about the Iwagakure invasion. He reminisces about his favorite student.

    He thinks to himself ?If only he was still here. He would be a great asset to Konaha in our upcoming battle.?

    Sarutobi leaves his office to go sit outside and watch the sunset. He is reminded of all the wonderful time spent with his favorite student Orochimaru.

    He sits there silently watching the sunset for a few minutes until Jiraiya comes up to him. Jiraiya says ?Hey Sarutobi sensei, beautiful sunset isn?t it??

    Sarutobi says, ?I was just thinking about when we used to be a team.?

    Jiraiya ignores Sarutobi?s comment and says, ?I heard Konaha is going to attack the Iwagakure nins. I think you should consider sending my student to help.?

    Sarutobi says ?Ahh yes the Yellow Flash. I?ve already selected him for this mission.?

    Jiraiya says, ?Well then everything is set. I?ll be leaving now Sarutobi sensei.?

    As Jiraiya walks off Sarutobi says, ?You did your best Jiraiya. It?s not your fault you couldn?t bring him back.? Jiraiya pauses for a moment, a saddened look on his face. He walks off without saying another word.

    Sarutobi sends a message to all Konaha jounins and some chunin. He tells them that in a week he will be making a special announcement and they all must be there.

    A week later Sarutobi has finally gathered enough ninjas to launch the attack on the Iwagakure nins. Many Konaha ninjas are still away on missions but Sandaime decides they have enough ninjas in Konaha to start preparing their attack on Iwagakure ninjas.

    ?The Yellow Flash? and his students Kakashi and Rin stand along with hundreds of Konaha ninjas awaiting the orders of the Sandaime Hokage. Sarutobi speaks to the Elders before he begins to address the waiting crowd.

    As the Sandaime is about to commence his speech the third member of ?The Yellow Flash?s? team arrives.

    Kakashi says ?Obito you?re late again.? Obito says, ?I was helping someone and I don?t even get why we have to be here.?

    Kakashi angrily replies, ?We have to be here because the Sandaime ordered us to be here. If the Sandaime wants us to be hear then we must be here.?

    ?The Yellow Flash? says to Kakashi ?Come on you two. Stop fighting, the Sandaime is about to speak.?

    The Sandaime begins by telling them about the recent events in the Hidden Grass. He tells them that the Hidden Grass is being invaded by Iwagakure ninjas and that if they are not stopped then Konaha will be in potential danger.

    He tells them that all their missions have been halted because this is top priority. Sandaime explains to them what the overall goal is and gives them a basic plan of attack. He gives them an overview of their opponents and after a very long speech he tells them good luck.

    ?We must win this for the safety of our village.?



    Now that your done reading did you like it? Why or Why not?


    The next chapter is called:
    Chapter Two: Beauty of the Hidden Grass:A Passionate Night

    I'll be finished with chapter 2 later tonight or tomorrow.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2007
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  2. Zethios SkySplitter

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    A very promising start young padawan.

    I would suggest spacing out your works more. Wall of texts are very intimdating.

    When one charcter starts talking you would generally start a new paprgraph.

    When writing fanfiction try to keep paragraphs at a 3 sentence maximum. Reading on a computer is different than a book.


    I don't know how to say this but, zoom in more? Details make the plan work. The pacing is just a bit quick.

    Keep in mind that those are my honest opinions.

    Don't worry, everything will come together as you gain experience.


    You should read quality fanfiction authors to see how they would write. Take some of the most interesting things out of their style. Eventually it will evolve into a style all your own!

    An example would be how Steven Brust writes the Taltos series. If I got around to actually writing the ideas in my head, they would feel like those books.

    Put your own spin on it.

    But do NOT under andy circumstances plagarize.

    Besides, you just gained 5 levels for trying. smile-big
     
  3. Yellow Ho

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    Ok I'll try the spacing out more thing. Changing everytime a character speaks would make this awfully long though.

    I think it's pretty detailed. If you've read the Kakashi Gaiden you should understand it.:oh

    I'll try to read some more fanfics since I've only read like 2.>__>

    *Edit* I spaced it out more. Is that good enough?
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2007
  4. Zethios SkySplitter

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    The best authors are avid readers.

    Now don't misunderstand, this is a great start, it really is.

    The part where the young ninja reports the deaths to Sarutobi, that seems a little low on the details. Maybe describe the ninja himself? Or maybe its a bit out of place? Everything is IMHO.

    Don't change it though, I'd like to see your next chapter. I'm lookin foward to it.

    The whole pacing thing is just me; I'm sure alot of other people would disagree.

    The spacing part: Its just personally I tend to skip big paragraphs and walls of texts while internet reading.

    For fanfics: search The Golden Fox on FF.net. Lengthy, but an excellent read. Nyce (the author) also has a lot of links to other good fics.
     
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