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Advice Do you Need some Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I've noticed that there are quite a few threads from people that need help dealing with relationships. At times the person will acknowledge they need help and ask a legitimate question. Other times the person will literally rant about a situation or against women in general, which shows they need help and simply don't know how to ask the question that would help them. Lots of people also have social anxieties, problems on approaching the opposite sex and often feel lonely.

    This is where I can help. My credentials are simple: a Pastor-in-training, I've counseled couples before. I myself am happily married with a three month old son. Before I was married I was pretty social and was generally good at talking to women. My wife majored in counseling, is a very positive person and is generally an encouragement to everyone she meets. She helps me counsel.

    I'd like to help those who have questions about relationships, or just social problems of all kinds. I realize some of the questions will be ridiculous and others will chime in with some ridiculous noise, but this is the internet and that is to be expected. Either ignore or laugh at those posts - whichever you feel is appropriate - and post some questions and I'll try my best to answer them.

    Also, don't let my pastoral background dissuade you from posting. If you want some more moral counseling you can VM or PM me, but in this thread I'm more about trying to help you be successful than trying to proselytize anyone.

    I'll also break the ice with a problem I've seen and the solution.

    From DDJ:

    Eventually you have to divulge some of your past relationships to your partner. This is good for several important reasons, but lets just name two:

    1. You need to divulge whether or not you have an STD. That has to do with your past relationships.

    2. You need to explain trust issues you have an why you have them. If you've been with a partner that cheated on you that is something you'll eventually have to share because that experience will cast a shadow on your other relationships and your partner won't know what they're facing unless you tell them where that shadow comes from.

    Your past is important because often it marks hurdles that you both need to overcome. One of the best ways to sabotage a relationship is to hide the landmines in your past.

    ---

    Well let's shoot. Who needs some advice?
     
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  2. Risyth ✧w✧

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    Do you honestly expect people to admit they seriously need advice. :nonon
     
  3. dynasaur dino

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    help my boy Remyx out with relationship advice thank you baconbits
     
  4. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I don't know what to expect. I honestly expected more ridiculous responses than this. Since people aren't ashamed to create threads about their relationships I don't think its unreasonable to expect them to make posts.

    Most likely people can just PM me and I can redact names and post my responses here so that all can benefit or chime in.

    Didn't know he was having problems, Dynamie. Tell him to hit me up.
     
  5. Suit I'm on a boat

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    Real men don't need relationship advice. We always know what we're doing.
     
  6. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I wish that was true. Also implying that there are a lot of "real men" is a bit problematic.
     
  7. ~Gesy~ Well-Known Member

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    brb, making a dupe to give this a shot!
     
  8. Suit I'm on a boat

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    Well, it's a broad term. And really, one would be more accurate to say a "real leader" than a "real man." But usually it's in the context of gender-specifics.
     
  9. Risyth ✧w✧

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    I can't help but feel those posts aren't serious.

    PMing you about this thread's what I expected people to do instead. If anyone really posts their issues here, I don't think laugh...but it'll be hard not too.
     
  10. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I can tell you that a majority of those posts are serious and the ones that aren't still jive with what a lot of people are feeling anyways. Its worth a shot. The plaza is pretty slow so this will last at least a week or two.
     
  11. SLB New Member

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    that is an invariably weak mentality. the idea that you cannot gain insight from others is not the mark of a true leader, but rather one that is chalk full of insecurities. even in the realm of relationships, a "leader" does everything in his power to better himself, especially if there is a problem. the only way one would not require any advice or help is when they've got a full handle on whatever situation they're in. and quite frankly, young people are not given the skillset to just make their problems disappear.

    we're a cooperative species. only a fool would lean on himself and himself alone.
     
  12. Suit I'm on a boat

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    There's truth in your post, but it comes off as a cliche version of the truth. The real truth is that ultimately, you can only rely on yourself. So get used to solving problems yourself. It doesn't hurt to take some insights from people, but always remember that you're the only one that truly knows your situation. And so only you can really decide what decisions are best to make in your life.
     
  13. Risyth ✧w✧

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    Sounds fair enough.
     
  14. SLB New Member

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    @Rue, well, yeah. it's not like you're going to blindly follow whatever advice someone gives you. you need to make sure the specifics of your scenario are examined properly and see if whatever advice is given to you is adequate. if you decide that the situation garners a specific outlook that you do not have, it's simply not worth it on a logical level to attempt to handle it completely on your own. even if you're the one making the final call, broadening what goes into making that call is what will help you yield better results, or at least be prepared for possible consequences should it backfire.

    asking for advice gives you more than just a potential answer; it creates a peer-to-peer system you may be able to utilize in the future, as well as expands what you know. and if the advice sucks, hey, just ignore it, right? it's a legitimate win-win.
     
  15. Suit I'm on a boat

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    The only thing is, and you'll probably realize this at some point, that people tend to hear all of the generalized advice they possibly could make use of very early in life. There are very few things that the masses of people have in common.

    This may be coming from the engineering part of my mind, but creating your own solutions to problems is, almost 100% of the time, the best choice. You can make your life even better than you can imagine by just thinking outside of the box. Observing, adapting, and overcoming is a great plan. But innovate as well.
     
  16. SLB New Member

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    i just feel that observing and adapting falls hand in hand with seeking out advice. like, at the very least i seek advice in an attempt to cycle my own problems through the mouth of someone else, if that makes any kind of sense.

    like as they give me their insight, i put it up against my own and see if there's any validity to whatever i was thinking in the first place. because sometimes you are generally off base and you don't really know what went wrong. like missing the bracket on your python code. shit just keeps crashing and you realize it's this one fucking thing you missed that someone is able to take a look at.

    also, i find sometimes we as humans go through mental blocks, where stress and looking at one source of info for a prolonged period of time begins to skew how you view it. another look just clears things.

    but generally speaking, you're right. you've subconsciously used the advice given to you from childhood to adulthood, and even without asking, you can kind of see what people might tell you. but i still find that's only with regards to things you've seen before. i mean, there are quite a few rare instances that i just don't think people are prepared for.

    like, imagine you were diagnosed with a disease, maybe even terminal. dealing with that on your own i find to be almost foolish. you're just not prepared for what's going to come, and if you're lucky enough someone out there might have been through something similar. it just helps widen the scope a bit, you know?

    now, with regards to relationships, i'm sorry, but some people have almost literally "been there, done that" so to speak, to the point where their tremendous failures make it easy to lean on when you have no clue what's going wrong.

    to put it bluntly, a lot of the young chaps here can greatly benefit from someone like bacon. just not enough experience in more in-depth connections when you had to raise your hand to go to the bathroom just a few years ago.
     
  17. Suit I'm on a boat

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    Well, relationship advice I feel like is something that can get really twisted really quickly for guys. First of all, if you need "advice" for your relationship, you're probably over-thinking something. The thing is, chicks don't want guys who don't know what they're doing in the first place. They only fall for guys who know what they want in life. Asking for relationship advice just seems incredibly beta. If she's not into it, she's not into it. If she is, and there's a problem, chances are that it isn't hard to solve. Actually remember her birthday, anniversary, do things together with her that you both like, try and get better in bed, etc. I really don't think it could be much simpler. If it's more complicated than that, then something is fundamentally wrong with the match to begin with.
     
  18. SLB New Member

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    sorry, gotta fall back on what bacon said. so few people really do know what they're doing in life, and the chances of a 20 something year old having it all figured out is soooooooooooo slim. i don't think women are so idiotic that they'd fathom whatever man they're with isn't going to have moments where he needs a bro-to-bro moment. and honestly, seeking advice more often than not is just an excuse for someone to let their anger out and just come to a rational, level head. what the person says afterwards is kind of like, potential icing on the cake, you know?

    and as far as i'm concerned, this really is the adulthood starts at 30 generation no matter how one wants to slice it. from shitty economies, to educational fields not being as lucrative as they once were, to a complete world connection via the internet, there's just too many additional variables in ones life that never existed before. for a lot of men, it's almost completely unknown territory to be a bachelor and have little to no real responsibilities outside self-preservation until your late 20's.

    eh, i find this fairly simplistic breakdowns. if this is the advice someone is seeking, they likely have already figured out whatever the inadequacy is and are just looking for closure. those people aren't really the ones that need to look for advice in the first place.

    sounds like a one size fits all kind of thinking that might just not work out for some people. i just think there's a whole slew of things that go on in our day to day interactions, that to sum up potential problems as "overthinking" or "not remebering a birthday" seems like it's cheapening what we are.

    we are the best damn species this world has ever seen. complex in ways we still haven't fully figured out yet. just doesn't feel right to assume you can handle things all on your own.

    now granted, DEPENDENCE, is disgusting. needing advice consistently means you're doing things incorrigibly wrong. but asking every now and then when you feel stuck? what's the harm in that? i mean, you can literally just ignore the advice and go back to square one. only a weak man would let potential advice skew his own perceptions if it
    sucks, no?

    but i do find validity in the fact that relationship advice can get muddied for a person. but, that's why advice should just be a grain of salt type of thing when it comes to application, and a genuinely interesting dive-in when it comes to just listening to it.
     
  19. Suit I'm on a boat

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    That's the thing though. I just honestly can't see anything that a guy worth his salt would need advice for unless he is actually trying to calm a bitch girlfriend. Personally, I would never do that. Of course relationships are complex and all, but they shouldn't be bad complex. No man ever causes drama in a relationship unless you count those who have affairs. That's pretty much it. A jealous guy is one who is just weak and can't decide whether to trust his girlfriend or let her go if he truly doesn't. And that is a very weak characteristic. A man with strong personality and decisiveness isn't going to introduce complexity into a relationship. I know I sure as hell won't. But maybe I've just got my shit together a little too well. Different for everybody, I suppose.
     
  20. Risyth ✧w✧

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    Was waiting for that.
     
  21. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Why is this not in the H&L?
     
  22. Shinobu Itachi is my idiot

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    Well there are hundreds of forums on the internet, where people are looking for advice. Since the internet gives you anonymity. Since baconbits seems to have the profound knowldge about it, it's actually not a bad idea.



    You've already said this like 10 times before and I'm still wondering, where do you get that from? I mean ... of course a woman wants a man with goals and an independent life. But no one can expect, that you know everything about a relationship and you never struggle in running one.
     
  23. Itachі Man of The People

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    If your first relationship has neither of those two you think that it should be a necessity to share?
     
  24. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I understand what you're saying, but usually people need advice not because they are "over-thinking" things but usually because they don't even know where to start. I'll be more clear: with relationships there are usually always some issues. Some people are oblivious to them and the problems sneak up on them. Some people are paranoid and see issues where they don't exist. And some people see the actual issues and get so overwhelmed they never deal with them. All three of those types would be helped by asking some simple questions.

    I always think its good to start humble. There are certain things, like fixing cars for example, where I am so stupid I don't even know what questions to ask. I get the feeling many guys and girls are in the same position when it comes to relationships. They don't know where to start and since everybody else is projecting confidence they freak out, thinking they're the only ones that literally feel lost.

    And yes, girls like guys with confidence and vice versa, however learning doesn't mean you don't project confidence. You don't have to be beta to learn about relationships. There's an aspect of being alpha that allows you to ask what you want and get answers to the things you need to know.

    Lastly, to moody's point life is truly something where "in the multitude of counselors there is safety". Its not a bad thing to look out and learn what you can. Some brave souls can post their problems. You might even post problems from relationships you know of and see what you can do. I'll probably start posting hypothetical problems if I don't get any suggestions and we'll go from there.

    Why not? I hate to break it to you but we can all be "bitches" from time to time. Everyone has a bad day and bad days can quickly become bad weeks. I've had guys who had to deal with a girlfriend that gained weight, or girls having to deal with a guy who is depressed because he can't get a job. Relationships mean you have to go through life together, so there really isn't any avoiding dealing with the worse parts of a person you have a serious relationship with.

    This is very true. Relationship issues are usually a lot simpler than they initially appear, but sometimes it takes an outside eye to see that.

    Typically guys like yourself have other issues to deal with, like life changes, dealing with in laws, etc. You seem like you have yourself together, but a lot of people have problems associating with their common man. Lucaniel is a hilarious guy and he makes fun of how autistic some people act but there is a lot of truth to his humor. Some people post here because they don't know how to interact with people well when they're offline.

    Honestly I posted this thread and then looked around and saw that section and face palmed a bit. However I still think this is a decent place to put it since people tend to post a lot of problems in the plaza lately.

    At some point, yes. I don't advocate spilling your guts on the first date but a person's history says a lot about them and how they see the world.

    For yourself when you meet a woman you probably need to get around to learning how she views relationships, what she thinks an exclusive relationship means and how she's dealt with problems in the past.

    The more serious the relationship the further back you need to go. If you're looking for a fling you don't need to know much other than that she doesn't have an STD. If you want to get married you need to know how her parents handle themselves.

    So if you're a fair man, and I hope you are, you'll want the same for her that you'd want for yourself. You want her to know your friends, how you handle issues, etc. The same things you'd want to know about her is the same things you need to make sure you reveal to her at some point.
     
  25. GearsUp Sensitive, Sensual,

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    Okay gimme advice for this

    I usually get all the girls without tryin but if I wanna get a black girl....I admit I got no experience with that. How do you do that, like impossible
     
  26. Itachі Man of The People

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    Can't you just express your views on everything without mentioning how you acquired those views and how you were shaped?

    I don't really think I'd really be interested in my future wife's past relationships. Sure, she could tell me and I'd listen but I'm not going to ask. I doubt I'm going to share anything pertaining to a first relationship though, maybe snippets of it but I'd probably end up lying.
     
  27. Evil Pantalones Unqualified Idiot

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    I have recently discovered that I have feelings for my best friend.

    Thing is, she doesn't seem to respond to my advances.

    Also, she's a chair.

    And by feelings I mean I love the way my ass feels when I sit on it.
     
  28. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Most of the white guys that get the black girls use these tactics:

    1. They are themselves. They don't try to act "black". It might actually be better to act the opposite of black culture because a black woman interested in white guys isn't looking for a lighter version of a black guy.

    2. They are funny. Humor is very good in relationships.

    3. They are confident. I think the first two points already include these two but needs to be reiterated.

    You don't have to know everything but you need to learn something of her past and she of yours. For pure health reasons if you plan on having kids you'll need to know some things. That's unavoidable. There's no real drawbacks about slowly opening up about the past. If you have issues revealing your past that means there's something there you haven't dealt with. And that could be a bigger problem.

    So lets deal with that issue first. Fight your own demons and then you'll be prepared to share your past.
     
  29. GearsUp Sensitive, Sensual,

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    I was under the impression that its cause they're white and being white vs black is a sign of dominance as a majority and generally wealthier and more privileged individual.
     
  30. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Black women tend not to like the men that try to dominate everything. That's my general observation. Also most relationships have little to do with the way the two classes interact and more to do with how the two individuals interact.
     
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