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Advice Do you Need some Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. Atlantic Storm Booze Intermission Advisor

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    I would like an answer to my question. :)
     
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  2. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    I do not; I am merely making a presumption.

    What question is that?
     
  3. Ashi Ka-Ka!

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    Why not just tell Lady J you wanna give her the D
     
  4. Benedict Cumberzatch Gold Rays with Neck Ribbon

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    Because he wants a date for the wedding. We've established this.
     
  5. Atlantic Storm Booze Intermission Advisor

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    "Anyway, @DemonDragonJ, why won't you be upfront and just ask Lady J how she feels about having sex? She's clearly okay with some physical intimacy (based on what you've said before), and you've both adults. Thinking of it as awkward is a very teenage attitude to have, I think, and it's holding you back a lot. And that's not even getting into how much you're placing sex on a pedestal here..."
     
  6. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    As I have said before, I do not wish to risk driving her away from me, at least not before the wedding.

    Also, I probably should not be asking this, but what do you mean by "sex on a pedestal?" I have a feeling that you are not referring to the literal act of engaging in sexual intercourse atop an actual pedestal, are you?
     
  7. Atlantic Storm Booze Intermission Advisor

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    You aren't going to drive her away by asking her about sex, DDJ. As I said before, Lady J isn't a teenage girl, and although you may think she's lacking in sexual experience because of her relatively young age, I'm fairly sure that she's thinking or has thought about sex on some level, anyway. Maybe not as often as you, but enough that broaching the subject should not be an obstacle for you. If something as simple as inquiring about sex was going to drive Lady J away, she would have stopped you from making intimate contact the past few times you've tried it—the fact that she hasn't should tell you that it's okay to take a little initiative.

    More importantly, if you do plan on having a serious, long-term relationship with Lady J, it's important to be able to communicate with openness and honesty. This ties in with your placing sex on a pedestal (which I'll explain in a moment), but if you or your partner feel insecure about talking about sex, that's indicative that your relationship is more fragile than you think it is. If not for the sake of making progress, you should be upfront for that reason alone.

    Lastly, I wasn't being literal. What I meant is that you are making too big a deal about it; you're treating it like it's some kind of quest on a video game, and you shouldn't. It's hamstringing your ability to be bold, because you're afraid that if you make a mistake, you get a game over (speaking figuratively here) and that's it. I understand why you treat it as a milestone and, to some extent, I agree with that view, but sex is ultimately a natural, organic thing. The bigger a deal you make it, the more difficult it's going to be to actually get it.
     
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  8. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Two questions here
    1. If she get scared off to the point of leaving you over a question, was it really meant to be?
    2. So you don't care about her leaving after the wedding?
     
  9. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    You posting an image of my avatar now has me thinking of Dimebag Darrell having sex atop a pedestal, and, although he was an amazing musician, I would rather not think about him having sex.

    Of course I will still care about her after the wedding, but I shall be feeling considerably less pressure, since everyone will have seen me and her together, and believe that we are a happy couple with a strong relationship. Also, if she is frightened away by a simple question (not that asking about sexual intercourse is ever simple), then you may be right that our relationship would never have worked, but I absolutely cannot allow myself to think such negative and pessimistic thoughts; I can simply feel that Lady J is "the one" for me, and I must make this relationship work, no matter the cost.

    Of what do you have none?
     
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  10. Luceus Banned

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    I guess serious relationships since I'm too focused on the internet lol
     
  11. Aruarian Well-Known Member

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    No, you want to think this is the case. There is no such thing as the one. Oneitis is a sure-fire sign of emotional and romantic immaturity. What you're actually doing is attempting to force your way into something you think you deserve/want.
     
  12. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    What are you saying? Are you saying that my relationship with Lady J cannot work?
     
  13. Aruarian Well-Known Member

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    I'm saying that both your mentality and resulting actions are holding back a lot of potential growth (for you as a person) and progress (in terms of your relationship with Lady J). You seem to focus almost exclusively on the theoretical image of being in a relationship from an external perspective (i.e. parents, family, society as a whole). It's all about what it should be and what you want it to be in the future, at least that's what I gather from most of your posts about the subject.

    I know it's harder for you, with the whole limited theory of mind due to your ASD, but you really don't consider Lady J as a person that often. You talk of her mostly as an object: wedding-date to show up your family, 'perfect match' belief in terms of your relationship, and as a sexual object. It's all so incredibly rigid and one-sided, and that's one of the roadblocks you're facing in this whole thing. You seem to have a very static image in your head of what you want and how you think it should be. There's no give or flexibility, which is really, really essential in any kind of social, human interaction.

    DDJ, you've been given a fuckton of good advice in this thread (and that's excluding my own, which I consider to range between borderline trolly and brilliant (though I've never willfully given you damaging advice)), but something holds you back from doing anything with it besides reading and casting it aside. Part of that is definitely fear (rejection, being alone, the perception of your peers, etc.), and fear is not a good driver.

    That's not to say you've been stagnant. Far from it, you've made a lot of good progress! And I do think and hope you and Lady J will work out. The challenge is change, and learning to accept and work with it. Life and relationships are not linear or predictable, which is hard for neurotypical folk most of the time, too. Reflect on things often.

    Consider, for example, what steps you've undertaken that caused your relationships to progress. Then check with the time that was given to you as advice. Now cross-check the date of your taken step, with the date of the first time that advice was given to you. If the distance between the two is more than a month, that should give you pause.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
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  14. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Hands down one of the best posts in this thread.
     
  15. Island In the Sun

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    @DemonDragonJ, please read this post.
     
  16. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    I have; now what?
     
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  17. Island In the Sun

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    Ideally, you learn something from it and put what you learned into practice.
     
  18. Lewd Global Moderator

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    Yeah I wasn't planning on being super serious anyway :lmao r/tinder is good reading

    So what sort of pics do you use?
     
  19. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    We shall need to wait and see, because I am not certain of when I shall next see Lady J.
     
  20. Shrike Let's Baby

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    Remember, DDJ, nobody is pushing you to do something that you are not ready to do. But you just have to cast off that "I will look bad at the wedding if I don't have a date" mentality and go with "I will enjoy my time with this girl and we will see where it goes". Last but not the least, stop behaving like there is no place in the world to have sex.
     
  21. Aruarian Well-Known Member

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    Speaking from experience, you can have sex pretty much everywhere.

    @DemonDragonJ first you need to spend a lot more time reflecting.
     
  22. Aphrodite Banned

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    Ok im sorry but i got to say it. DDJ you make relationships seem way harder then they have to be. No one can tell you what to do on a forum on how to have a relationship with a female. Just go and experience things with her and do what you want to do. As for sex just do it when you are ready and when she is ready. You shouldnt have a forum full of people telling you what you should do, feel or whatever in your relationship. Advice is fine and all but you are taking it way above and beyond simple advice.
     
  23. Island In the Sun

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    DDJ is like that Black Mirror episode with that guy who used eye cameras to crowd source his love life in real time.
     
  24. Dr. Negri Well-Known Member

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    Ok so I think I have created a spark with a girl. I have given some advice to some students on how to write an application for med school, read some and corrected others. There is one girl who I have talked more in depth about more than just med school and the application. Today she told me that she appreciated that I cared to ask about her application and then we talked about bunch of things one of them being how difficult the danish language is. She then told me that she would love to learn me danish, and then I replied by saying *ofc you will, I don't give advice for free *wink wink*" referring to more than just danish lectures. She laughed at my reply.

    I find this girl interesting and would want to explore more how far I can go with her. We both seem to enjoy our conversations. I enjoy talking to her because it comes so natural, just like talking to a friend. So my question is, should I make my intentions more clear? Maybe take a lunch together?
     
  25. MO Well-Known Member

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    yes.
     
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  26. Island In the Sun

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    Yeah, dude, definitely. Just say something like "Would you like to get coffee/lunch sometime" and go from there.
     
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  27. Tarot XVIII. La Luna

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    So I'm still kinda torn up atm but me and my gf broke up a few days ago. We've been friends for some time and it was a clean break-up with no bad blood so we wanna ease things back to our old friendship. She was kinda an emotional mess when she was telling me why it wasn't working. I obviously didn't want to pry too much with her being so emotional and all.

    I just don't know when things went sour, or even if there were problems from the start. I cherish our relationship whether romantic or not, but I feel like I still need closure. I'm just not sure if/when it would be appropriate to bring it up.
     
  28. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    I wish to stop discussing my own relationship for a moment to discuss a different subject; in many media that I have followed, the idea of a person being in a relationship with their best friend's sibling is often seen as being weird (such as Leonard with Raj's sister, Priya, in The Big Bang Theory or Harry with Ron's sister, Ginny, in Harry Potter), but why is that weird? How is that any different from any other relationship? Is it because any tension in the romantic relationship could possibly lead to tension in the friendship? What does everyone else say about that?
     
  29. Nighty the Mighty swm n outer space Advisor

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    it's basically i*c*st
     
  30. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    How is that the case?
     
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