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Advice Do you Need some Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. Khaleesi Moderator

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    Yes, it was and I greatly appreciate it!

    What you said above is what I'm talking about, constructive criticism that isn't malicious or condescending.
     
  2. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    but like really though listing flaws in his character that dispute his statement are aggressive? the first post I get could come across passive aggressive which is why I said don't take this as an attack smh/
     
  3. Khaleesi Moderator

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    No, by itself it’s not aggressive, but you know the difference between telling someone that their actions are selfish to telling someone that they’re selfish and are hopeless.

    Also what exactly was he asking, I think what also can help is staying on the topic of what he’s asking about specifically.
     
  4. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    His competitive relationship with his sibling
     
  5. Khaleesi Moderator

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    Fair, I found the post.

    You could’ve just said that yes it’s wrong for him to try to one up his brother, and listed out why. Could’ve even called his actions selfish, which would’ve been fair. There wouldn’t have been any aggression in that.

    If he didn’t want to listen then fine, you did your job, it’s up to him if he wants to listen or not.
     
  6. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    Except when I give advice sincerely people don't take me seriously......
     
  7. Khaleesi Moderator

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    Then that's their problem. This isn't a troll thread, people giving advice sincerely is why this thread was made. Otherwise I'd have moved it to the CB a long time ago.


    Advice is a two way street, if you don't feel as though your advice is being listened to, then don't give it. Or PM him and tell him, it'll be away from eyes and you can have a sincere conversation with the person as well.
     
  8. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    The Pub isn't that dead that I'd do that, although I'm tempted to buy tinder gold or whatever so i get unlimited swipes.
     
  9. HisokaRollin Sougo, my boy

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    Ok so this time i want to ask for advice.

    There is this guy that tries to meet with me for almost a year, my friend kinda tried to hook us up since we both like anime and she knew i am feeling pretty depressed and lonely sometimes.

    And i am not good at replying to people but he still kept writing to me even when i barely reply at all and lately we agreed to try to finally meet.

    But i kept delaying date of meeting because it was hard time to focus for me and finally i wrote to him that i simply have no strenght to spare to taking to people right now and that im sorry i wasted his time but... its like that.

    And he wrote that he wont give up and that he doesnt want to wait and he is a little TOO PERSISTENT if you ask me since i barey know him and i clearly am not so up for this as he is.

    Anyway i was at my college and im walking out from my classes and he is sitting there cause apparently my friend texted him im at school.

    So i was honestly kinda in hurry to go home but ok, he is here, it would be rude to just go away like that.

    So we talked a little and he is.. okay i guess.

    But he is 2 years younger than me, not my type in looks and maybe he has similar hobbies to me but for me its just that i may want to talk to him or even meet to chat from time to time but... he keeps texting me and my friends walking out of classes were all saying stuff about us like- ohhhhh, look at the couple- and all and it feels fucking awkward cause both them and he seem to be getting idea that its some kind of romantic relationship in the making while i never gave anyone impression that i want it to be that way.

    So how can i gently tell him that i dont want to be anything more than friends with him without you know... making him feel bad about himself or hurting his feelings?
     
  10. HisokaRollin Sougo, my boy

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    But why ? and are you seriously considering pursuing this wish?
     
  11. DemonDragonJ Creeping Death

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    First, because such a relationship is taboo; that taboo nature of it is what gives it its appeal; no one seems to be able to understand that. Second, no, not anymore, because I realize that such a thing is very unlikely to ever happen, and I cannot take the risk of my cousins deciding to never speak with me, again.

    As for your own situation, I definitely am not the most qualified of people to offer advice, but, from my own experience, there is no way to tell him that you do not wish to be in a serious relationship without hurting his feelings; if a person is seeking a serious relationship, no answer other than what they wish to hear will satisfy them, so I advise that you tell him as politely as possible how you feel, and, if he does not like that, stand by your decision and do not feel guilty.

    Alternatively, why not at least give him a chance, so that you can be certain of your feelings on the matter?

    I really would rather not mention this, but in the majority of cases that I have seen where one person desires a serious relationship and another person does not, the person seeking the serious relationship is male and the one who is not is female; why is there such an imbalance in such scenarios, and has anyone here actually experienced a situation in which a female desired a serious relationship, but the male did not?
     
  12. Lewd Global Moderator

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    These things are always tough but you can't really do it without hurting his feelings. You've already said no to him in a soft way, now's the time to be more frank with him since he's being persistent. Tell him straight up your not interested and that his advances are making you uncomfortable.
     
  13. Aphrodite Well-Known Member Advisor

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    If a guy likes you i dont think there is an easy way to tell him you just wanna be friends. I think you should talk to your friends and tell them you arent interested in him but you need to tell the guy straight up you arent interested in a relationship with him. I dont know he dont even know you and seems a little obsessed already. Im unsure if you should even try to remain friends with him.
     
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  14. Ashi Repent, motherfuckers!

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    You’re gonna have to reaffirm your position then, he might not take it well but he’s exactly being fair you in this situation either

    If you wanna cushion the blow, then if I were you I’d preface it with saying that you enjoy his company or that you think he’s really cool/sweet/insert compliment here but you’re not interested in going steady

    There’s a chance that’ll work against you since any fraction of flattery could go to his head and he might still get the impression that he has a chance, but I think you’ve dropped enough hints and you’re gonna have to take a stand for yourself if you wanna nip this in the bud

    If that doesn’t work then you might have to avoid him altogether, which might seem cold but if he’s the one being thick-headed then you might have a step on a few toes just for your own benefit
     
  15. Shrike Let's Baby

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    First, if you have no energy for a relationship and don't even want to try being in one, you should work on your depression since it's demolishing you. You seem passive and uninterested, but not only in that guy but dating in general.

    Second, if you don't want to give it a chance and go out for a date or two, just tell him straight away. Don't look for friendship there because, as you said yourself, you barely know him. Hurting him like that is the least hurt he can get out of that situation.

    His persistence is strange though, I am not sure I appreciate it. It could be a great thing but it could also be a very stalker-y thing which I loathe. Use your judgement. Or just ask him why is he so persistent.
     
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  16. HisokaRollin Sougo, my boy

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    Thank you guys for your advices, i'll try to text him soon and make things clear.

    Especially since he DOES seem a little obsessive, hell, when my friends came up to talk to me when i was sitting with him i mentioned to them that they could come to my house in the summer and when they asked where i live he started explaining it to them and knew the way even though i never told him my adress, only mentioning that i live on a countryside. And now he even asked my sister to be friends with him on fb and again, i dont know what for since they dont know each other.

    He doesnt seem like a bad guy but i will do as you guys wrote cause really, it seem like the sooner, the better. :catshivers

    Edit: Okay, i wrote to him and said that he is cool and all and we can chat sometimes but im not romantically interested in him. I feel a lot better after clearing it up.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
  17. Island In the Sun

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    Yeah, some guys can't take a hint.

    It's hard at first, but I prefer when girls are straight up about it. Saying "I don't want to date you" saves a lot of time and energy for both parties, imo.
     
  18. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Oh he isn't obsessed that's just his ninja way.



    You should tell him that your ninja way is to remain friends, or less.



    And he'll respect your decision.

     
  19. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    tell him you're not looking for a relationship with him don't string him along. there's no way to reject someone nicely just rip the bandaid off
     
  20. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    this dude sounds like a creeper ngl
     
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  21. Island In the Sun

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    I missed this part somehow. This guy is bad news. Get him out of your life ASAP pls.
     
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  22. Aphrodite Well-Known Member Advisor

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    Yeah he is a major creeper. No way anyone should be so obsessive over someone they dont even know.
     
  23. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Well, the problem is that in my opinion being gentle is the wrong approach. Yeah, I know you don't want to be seen as a mean person, however this person's actions to me border on dangerous activity. He's showing up at places he wasn't invited and he keeps pressing when you already told him you have no interest. Your friend is also not helpful.

    When you reject a person a clean, surgical cut is best. Being nice tends to lead people like this to think they still have a chance. For example, if you told him "I'm busy" he'd want to look at your calendar to see when you're not busy. If you said "you're a nice person but..." he'd try to seize on the few positive traits you see. If you try to describe the person you'd be interested in he'd try to change how he behaves to match that person. I know these types and they don't give up UNLESS you make yourself clear.

    Therefore you need to make it blunt and clear. Even mean if necessary. Only something like "Listen, stop showing up at places I visit. I don't like you. I don't want to see you. I'll never go out with you and if you keep showing up where I am I'll call the police." will ever work. Because this dude is desperate and he thinks that since your friend gave him the hook up he always has someone in his corner who can fix whatever mistakes he might make.

    As for your depression, I think you also have to confront that. Not just so you can jump into a relationship but rather to help yourself. Life will be much better for you if you can fix that issue, and of course I'm always here willing to help if you want that.
     
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  24. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I was talking to my father the other day about relationship counseling and he mentioned an interesting case of one partner berating another partner. And the question he posed to me was this: why would the person on the receiving end put up with being humiliated?

    I thought about this for a minute. It was clear from the examples he gave - they were people we had helped so I knew them - that these were not instances of long time abuse, where one person puts up with abuse for so long that they actually think it's normal. I didn't really have an answer for him. But he told me this: this usually happens when one partner cheats on the other but they stay together.

    What happens is this: when one person does something wrong the other partner, instead of making a clean break, stays with them. But instead of a healthy relationship, their goal is to make the other person pay. And they do this by holding that guilt over the other person's head and taking absolute charge of the relationship. The result is a relationship where neither person is happy. The person who was cheated on let's out their frustration by taking charge of the relationship and emotionally abusing the other person whenever they want, but in the end they don't get the love or satisfaction they want. The other person sees the relationship as an obligation. They don't feel justified walking away because they caused the initial issue, but they no longer have joy. They don't have the freedom to make their own decisions anymore.

    So what's the solution? Forgiveness. In a relationship it is inevitable that someone will do something the other person doesn't like. But if you never forget these things and hold onto them in the end you'll have a relationship where you can't be yourself. You'll feel like you're walking on eggshells to try not to offend the other, never knowing where those egg shells even are. The other person will feel an emotional distance they can't bridge and they'll just become more and more frustrated as time goes on.

    That's why forgiveness is so important. Forgiveness means one person confesses what they did and the other person acknowledges their guilt, refusing the sugar coat what was done, but accepting that person for who they are and lifting the burden of guilt on the other person. They then agree to restore their relationship as much as they can to what it was before, working to be honest but also helpful to each other to make this happen.

    Forgiveness means not keeping a record of debts. Forgiveness means being able to give the other person a clear shot at a second chance. And for many couples I believe that forgiveness can mean new life for their romance. Anyways, I hope none of you have to deal with an unfaithful partner. But the principles of forgiveness work for any relationship. Nothing will ever go perfectly, but they don't have to if you're willing to forgive.
     
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  25. DemonDragonJ Creeping Death

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    @baconbits, in another thread, @Mider T said that, when a person is married, their relationship with their sibling is little more than a very strong friendship; do you agree with that idea? To me, the idea that my brother, whom I love more than anyone or anything in the world, would regard me as merely a friend, is an idea that bothers me very much, because he is much more than a friend, to me.
     
  26. Mider T VM Rapist

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    I said "for all intents and purposes" not "little more"; and I said that because you were saying that you would put your brother before your future wife's needs.
     
  27. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I think that you'll always be important to him, however when he begins to build his family it's natural that he'll have less time for you and your interests and as your relationship hopefully develops you'll also have less time for him. My brother and I are best friends: we write plays together, share similar interests and have been best buds since I was 2 and he was 1. But now that we have kids it's a bit harder to hang together. But we still make time to hang out. Our wives our best friends so that also helps.

    In the end you simply have to be willing to have less of other's time for their sake, because they'll have other interests. That doesn't mean you're not important but it does mean you're not the only thing that's important to them.
     
  28. DemonDragonJ Creeping Death

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    If I have not already mentioned it, Lady J and I shall be attending the on this Saturday, which shall be our second time attending that event; we enjoyed it last time, so I imagine that we shall enjoy it this time, as well.

    Also, Lady J invited me to the graduation party of one of her long-time friends on next Saturday (June 23), which is great, because she is taking the initiative in that situation and because I imagine that she would not have invited simply any friend of hers to such an event; that is an activity for couples, not ordinary friends, in my mind.

    Yes, that does make sense; thank you very much.
     
  29. John Wick I'd like a dinner reservation for twelve.

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    Some people enjoy being degraded it's a sexual kink.
     
  30. DemonDragonJ Creeping Death

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    Lady J and I had a wonderful time at the Happy Together tour, so there is nothing too much out of the ordinary to say about that; as I was driving her home, I asked her "are we happy together?" and she enthusiastically affirmed that we are; when I returned her to her house, I kissed her, and, while I did not measure the exact duration of that kiss, it was definitely one of the longest kisses that she and I have shared, thus far. Again, nothing too much out of the ordinary happened during this outing, but I wished to mention that.
     
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