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Advice Do you Need some Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    Found a gem from way back in this thread.

     
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  2. Jim Normal Person

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    wait, 5 years? i thought he gave himself a 4 year limit?
     
  3. DemonDragonJ Lord of the Dance

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    How many times do I have to tell you that I have asked her out, every time that we make plans to spend time together?

    We are dating; she acknowledged that, herself; she simply did not do so with as much enthusiasm as I would have preferred for her to have done.

    I am almost afraid to ask, at this point, but what can you advise about getting her to be more enthusiastic in returning my affection?

    Obviously, I wish for her and I to live in the same house, but there is no point in discussing the subject with her until I can actually deliver on that promise, until I am seriously ready to move into my own place of residence.

    It has not been that long, yet; she and I had our first date in September of 2016, so this upcoming September shall be our third anniversary, and I obviously plan to commemorate that, since we celebrated our previous two anniversaries. Also, we have made progress; as recently as this past December, she agreed to accompany me on a two-hour drive to visit my brother and then stay in his house, with a two-hour drive back to her house the next day. The next step is for her and I to stay somewhere overnight with only ourselves, but I need to find a reason to make such plans (perhaps I shall ask her about that when my birthday approaches in July; that is a rather long time to wait, but it is dramatically-appropriate).

    My brother asked his wife to marry him after they had known each other for four years, so I thought that four years would be ideal for me, as well, but, now, I am not as certain about that, although I do know that I cannot wait for as long as my parents waited, as they were married nine years after they met.

    She and I will be getting together on both March 30 and April 6, so, on one of those days, I plan to address the subject of our relationship status; I would prefer to do so sooner instead of later, but we shall be celebrating her birthday on April 6 (which is two days before her actual birthday of April 8), so that seems to be a more dramatically-appropriate day.
     
  4. Son Goku ̣

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    Based on what I know, you asked her out in a very indirect way. That's a big no-no. Has she ever confirmed to you that she considers herself your girlfriend, preferably using the word girlfriend.

    Well watching a movie in your residence is a good one. You want to be alone with just the two of you and it gives you the option to watch the movie with your arm over her shoulders or close together which means that you just have to turn your head and go for it. You could also put your hand on her face for some romantic staring before going in for the kiss if you want it to be more "fluid". Talking a walk in a scenic area also works, as long as you two are alone and doing something that can set a romantic tone without being over the top it will work.


    Sounds wise.



    Personally I find it too soon to be thinking about having sex if you can't easily engage in making out with her.


    I know it's easy to frame your expectation of what should happen time-wise with your brother, but that's not how it works. Stop worrying about your brothers relationship and the time aspect.



    That's reasonable
     
  5. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    Are you still trying to skip intimacy building and go straight to sex? Here's a reminder from your own interaction with her that it wouldn't work.

    I'll throw that out in front of you as many times as it takes for you to finally get it. Before you bring up that she was willing to stay at your brother's house again, that doesn't mean she was willing to sleep with you. I've already explained why the first time you said this.

    Stop waiting for "dramatically-appropriate" dates far into the future for your next step like that will make or break your success. When has that ever worked out for you? You're taking a big risk with this kind of pacing. If anything causes the downfall of your relationship this would be up there as one of the most significant factors.

    Okay, what are you planning to say to her? Work that out in advance so you don't stumble and say something silly when it's time to deliver.

    Strictly out of curiosity, why do you often save my post for last when replying? Is it because it's often the most stressful or difficult post to reply to?
     
  6. DemonDragonJ Lord of the Dance

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    We actually do that very frequently, and I have tried to kiss her, but it is difficult to get a good angle for that, and I worry that, if I try to be more forceful, she may think that I am forcing myself on her, which I obviously do not wish for her to think.

    Of course I am not attempting to do that.

    How else can I "build intimacy?" We already spend plenty of time at our own houses watching movies, and that is not working, so a new strategy is needed.

    Judging from our previous interactions, it is very liekly that you shall disagree with my plan, so I do not see why I should waste my time, but, since you asked, I plan to say to her something such as "the way that my brother feels about his wife is how I feel about you" or "the way that your brother feels about his girlfriend is how I feel about you;" I will not be directly saying that I love her, I will be allowing her to make that inference on her own. I also am planning to ask her if she can imagine herself being married one day and then saying that "there is no one I would rather spend my time with than you," again allowing her to make the connection between my words.

    Yes, that is the exact reason; the fact that you are being so negative about my relationship is hugely stressful, especially considering that all of my friends and family members are very supportive of it and have never said anything negative about it.
     
  7. Moritsune Zack Fair Moderator

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    Just ask her if it's okay to kiss her then? If she's interested in you she won't mind gentle guiding by cupping her chin and obtaining a better angle for kissing.



    Again, invite her to go on a trip out of town. Don't wait for some anniversary or anything like that, just plan a nice trip about a month in advance and ask her to accompany you.



    Stop beating around the bush and be direct. Tell her that you love her if you do. Your indirect way of doing things is why it took so long to get her to admit to being your girlfriend, and even that was way too hesitant and indecisive on her part to take it as a true affirmation.
     
  8. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    Why do you keep thinking your only options are being too forceful or giving up? Me, @Son Goku and now @Moritsune have given you ideas for how to kiss her without gravitating towards either extreme. It's actually quite easy to get her to turn her head voluntarily. Are you just pretending there aren't better ways so you can avoid the "scary" scenario of actually making an attempt?

    When you say inviting her to spend the night with you is the next step, and don't make plans to make out with her first, it sounded like you ARE attempting to do that.

    As far as building physical intimacy goes, that means more passionate touching, which includes things like making out, cuddling and sex. In your case, sex probably won't be an option until she's comfortable making out.

    If your going to beat around the bush, her answer will probably do the same. That is the most likely scenario with Lady J. Not to mention they mostly sound like rehashes of things you already said to her before. Rehashes are good for maintaining the relationship but do very little to escalate it. If you're okay with that kind of underwhelming response from her then I've nothing more to say about it.

    My pessimism about your situation is always tied to whatever you're doing wrong or failed to do. Overall, I think you have a decent shot at a happy ending with Lady J if you play your cards right. You don't hear me say it much because it will probably lead to some degree of complacency on your part which isn't helpful for getting you to change what you're doing. The consensus is you aren't playing your cards right.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2019
  9. Island In the Sun Moderator

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    If you're not getting the non-verbal cues, literally just ask if you can kiss her. There's no shame in that, dude.
     
  10. A. Waltz Ho Ho Ho;)

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    wait how do you get the spiral rep??
     
  11. Island In the Sun Moderator

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    Have over 2 mil rep.
     
  12. A. Waltz Ho Ho Ho;)

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    just like 500k more to go then !!!!
     
  13. Gunners .

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    She probably doesn't want to kiss you. I don't mean to be a prick, but if you are actually trying to find that angle, they make it easy.

    If you find yourself leaning in and keep hitting cheeks, it is for a reason.

    Still, I could be wrong. Ask her, get the answer, and move on with her or to another woman.
     
  14. Mider T Busting in and out of guts

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    "It took me 31 years to find Lady J, I cannot afford to spend another 31 years attempting to find another woman :blahblah"
     
  15. Gunners .

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    I feel sorry for the kid. In my head, I picture her introducing her to her boyfriend one day.
     
  16. Son Goku ̣

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    Pretty sure it starts the rep rank after your current one.

    I've heard that so much it might just be my tombstone quote.
     
  17. Lew Retired Staff

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    you're still on this cycle huh?
     
  18. Gunners .

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    It's not something I understand. I can understand that getting fixated on a particular person, but I cannot understand caring that much because they are your only opportunity in 31 years.

    I mean, some people have more options that others, but that's the sort of shit that would cause me to question whether I cared about the person or if I saw them as a last resort.

    That being said, I probably other think things too much. I have zero love for one of my exes which has put some fear in the back of mind.
     
  19. Atlantic Storm booze intermission Advisor

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    i feel like trying to get ddj to make any progress with lady j is like one of those glitched quests on skyrim where it lets you get to a certain point and then blocks you off from advancing any further bc of a convo script error or something
     
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  20. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    It doesn't sound like he even got to that point. No physical attempt was made. He saw her face was still glued to the screen and tells himself "Well I tried. She's not reciprocating. Better skip this step and invite her for sex instead". That's what's so absurd about his "attempt".

    Makes no sense for her to always let him kiss him on the lips for goodbyes and then deny him now. Just DDJ being DDJ. Real sad considering he wasn't this glitchy two years ago.
     
  21. Son Goku ̣

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    Hey you, you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush same as us and that thief over there.
     
  22. DemonDragonJ Lord of the Dance

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    I will see if there is an opportunity to do that when we are next together, but I cannot make any promises about it.

    That is exactly what I am planning to do; the next time that we are together, I shall casually ask her "would you like to go away for a weekend?" and I shall suggest something that we both could enjoy, or I may even ask her if there is a place where she has never been, but that she would like to visit.

    She is a grown adult; she does not need me to explicitly spell out everything for her.

    I am not an expert on this matter; I am not certain exactly how to get her to turn her head to allow for a better angle for kissing.

    I have already explained that she is not bothered by my touch, and, when we are together, I try to press my body as closely to hers as I can, but she usually keeps her hands to herself, so I am doing all the work and have little results to show for it.

    You keep saying that it is too early for me to ask her to marry me, so this is my only other option, to be indirect. I really want to be direct, but, according to you, it is still too early for that. Also, asking her if she can imagine herself being married one day is fairly direct, I simply will not be mentioning the idea of her being married to me, because it is still too early for that.

    I am glad that you actually have a positive outlook about my relationship, but a major problem is that there is no way that you can provide me with advice in real-time; you first provide advice, then I spend time with Lady J, and then I tell you about it, afterward, which leads to time lags that are not good for our interactions. If only there was a way that you could provide me with guidance while I was out with her, akin to that scene in The First Kid (I will give +rep to the first user here who has seen that movie).

    I was actually 29 when I met her, and I know that you may be tired of hearing it, but I do not have a long line of women waiting to be my girlfriend; I have had an account on OKCupid for several months longer than I have known Lady J, and it has never produced any results; even now, I still occasionally log onto my account and send a message to a woman, and none of them have ever responded, which means either I am doing something wrong or I simply am not attractive, neither of which is a very pleasant option.

    What do you mean by "glitchy?" How is my behavior now different from how it was, two years ago?
     
  23. Yamato ANBU- Sadist

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    Sounds like she isn't romantically invested in you honestly :hmm
     
  24. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    If she hesitates when you bring up staying overnight somewhere, don’t be afraid to ask about her reason for hesitation. Ascertaining her reason is progress in itself.


    We have given you ideas. None of them will lead to your relationship deteriorating regardless of whether she reciprocates. You don't have to be an expert to start applying them. I doubt she’d object. Not attempting them makes you a domestic fowl and I'm not sure Lady J would stay with you if she came to that realization.


    Usually? What does she do with her hands when she doesn’t keep it to herself?



    How about changing the question slightly so you actually get a useful answer? People have been objecting to it because your question was pointless. IE. In your opinion, how long do you think is a good timeframe for a couple to go from dating to marriage? If you’re scared then bring this up after a comment about your brother’s marriage or even someone else’s marriage.



    Yeah, not possible. She’s going to know you’re getting advice in real time and it’s going to look bad. You don’t need word for word guidance.


    You were still gun shy compared to the rest of us, but less gun shy compared to now.

    This kind of paranoid approach is unattractive to a woman, especially when you do it long term. If your relationship fails it will most likely be due to you not taking enough steps to move forward and letting it stagnate for as long as you did. Have you considered that the times she's shown you hesitation is because you haven't been acting like a real man?
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  25. Island In the Sun Moderator

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    Being an adult doesn't make somebody a mind reader, so yes, you do have to spell out how you feel about her.
     
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  26. A. Waltz Ho Ho Ho;)

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    lmao preach
     
  27. Jim Normal Person

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    WHAT!?
    everything i know is a lie!
    j/k
    would he have kissed her two years ago?
     
  28. Moritsune Zack Fair Moderator

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    You're also a grown adult and should be able to express your feelings in a direct and mature manner, not drop hints and hope that she catches on like a grade schooler.



    Ask her to kiss? Or if you're confident she's interested in kissing you, lightly grab her chin with your thumb and fingers and guide her head where you want it.



    You're skipping steps. Maybe look at renting a place and see if she'd like to visit. Or down the line ask if she'd like to move in with you. You're definitely not in a position to even be hinting at marriage right now though.
     
  29. Heart Over Blade Enlightened Despot

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    He would've made a real attempt, which he did very early.
     
  30. Son Goku ̣

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    Unless you have no alone time with her, then there is always a moment to do this.

    If you can't get into the routine of doing something like this, take sex and living together within the next year off the table right now.


    Finding comfort in kissing is step 1, you don't skip to step 5 and bang until you master 1.
     
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