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[Advice] Do you Need some Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    I saw the other couple to whom I was referring in my earlier post at a pizza and game night earlier, today, and I learned that they actually have been together for only two to three months, which makes me feel even worse about my own relationship status; how are they so comfortable being affectionate with each other after such a short duration? I even asked them that, expressing my concern over the slow progress of my own relationship, but they said to not let myself be worried by that, since every couple progresses at their own pace.
     
  2. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Probably because they don't agonize over the little things and are thus able to live more in the moment. Their relationship is probably more natural.
     
  3. Law Godfather Moderator

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    Their advice is accurate. I'm guessing it won't help.

    You are surprised that the couple who has been together for 3 months is physically intimate.

    Most people these days kiss on the first date, sometimes more. By the 2nd or 3rd, they've had sex. After you've had sex with someone 5 or 6 times...the awkwardness (if it was ever present) wears off and all you see as an outside observer is two people who are physically affectionate and comfortable with one another.

    A few weeks, generally, is all it takes for what you are seeing in that couple.

    Does that mean you should try to emulate them? When I say "most people" do you think that you should be included in that? Whatever you may wish was true, you and Lady J are not "most people". You are, however, lucky that Lady J seems to move at the same speed as you.

    That is not so common.

    Bacon is right, though. At this stage in your relationship, your own cowardice to say and do what we advise may end up causing you to lose a good thing.

    Next time someone advises you to be smooth, ignore them.
    Next time someone advises you to pick up on social cues, ignore them.

    That is not you.

    "Lady J, I wish to discuss the nature of our relationship. I would very much like it if I could refer to you as my girlfriend to friends and family. I did not wish to do so until I had your permission."

    ^

    That is you.

    And until you have the balls to say it, I can't help you.
     
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  4. John Wick I once was VAK but now I'm back.

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  5. baconbits Moderator

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    That's not what I'm saying. Let's say you're actually pursuing a romantic relationship with someone. Why would you make choices that make it more platonic than it needs to be? That's what I feel DDJ is doing. He has romantic notion in his head but he's making every effort to make this look like a friendship.

    I should just quote your last post because you summed up my thoughts and my worry for DDJ excellently. The thing is, @DemonDragonJ , you are making poor decisions. I feel like you keep asking questions we've already answered and are trying to evade the advice that is getting more and more pointed that you actually need to do something. Why? Its because you're afraid.

    But you need to realize that your fear is what's holding you back. Take our advice: make your desires clear and stop worrying about the perfect wording or some scenario that COULD happen in two years. Because you won't have a relationship with her in two years if you don't step up.
     
  6. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    What was your intention in saying that? I dearly wish that that was the case with my relationship, but it is not, so your saying so only amplifies my negative feelings on this subject.

    I already have been referring to her as my girlfriend with most people with whom I interact, so I fail to see why I would need to say something such as that.

    I have not been doing that; I treated her to dinner on both Valentine's Day and her birthday, we have been out together with other couples who are officially so, she introduced me to numerous members of her family at a party and I shall soon be doing the same, we shall soon be celebrating our one-year anniversary, and I plan to give her gifts for both that occasion and Christmas; those are not actions that platonic friends would take.

    Are you implying that my relationship is somehow not natural? It is easily the best that I have ever had, and it certainly does not feel unnatural, to me.
     
  7. baconbits Moderator

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    @DemonDragonJ , you are being deliberately obtuse. You telling your friends she's your girlfriend is no better than me telling people Halle Berry is my girl on the side - if you and her haven't discussed your relationship and whether the two of you are in an exclusive relationship she is not your girlfriend.

    You need to make this clear to her. Stop justifying your fear. There is a task you need to complete to cement your relationship and you have not done that. Do not tell me that you are in a relationship when you cannot take that basic step.
     
  8. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Well no offense but that's because you don't know any better. I hope nobody is interested in her at that water festival because she is technically free game.
     
  9. John Wick I once was VAK but now I'm back.

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    Road trip to this festival for you to make your move?
     
  10. Mider T VM Rapist

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    Nah. I'll only be a savage if there is a challenge or if I didn't like DDJ.

    Are you kidding? That's platonic as fuck. If it were any other girl that's be a clear friend zone indicator.
     
  11. Evil Pantalones Unqualified Idiot

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    Hold up, you think taking a girl out for dinner on Valentine's day is platonic?
     
  12. Mider T VM Rapist

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    If you don't so much as kiss afterwards yeah, might as well be a dinner with your mother.
     
  13. Evil Pantalones Unqualified Idiot

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    Well yeah, this is definitely an exceptional scenario.

    For a regular dude though, taking a girl out for dinner on Valentine's day is a pretty clear indicator that you want to get your dick sucked.

    Especially if you're paying.

    Law of equivalent exchange and all that.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  14. baconbits Moderator

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    I enjoy everyone having fun with this thread but try to keep it above board, guys. This isn't the Chatterbox or the Cafe. @Khaleesi doesn't play that game.

    To be clear I'm referring to crude references to sex and going so far as to insult DDJ instead of trying to be constructive. We can all make fun of DDJ but the reason I'm saying what I'm saying is because I've been there. I've gone on dates with a girl and wondered why we didn't go to the next step. Then I learned game. Then I learned my value as a man, confidence, my strengths and appeals and I learned how to talk to women. DDJ needs to learn those things. But he's not going to learn it via humiliation.

    I think he's cowardly but what he's doing is a natural result of allowing fear to take over. I believe he does have a romantic relationship, but by not defining what he has he's making it more likely that he'll lose it.
     
  15. Evil Pantalones Unqualified Idiot

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    I wasn't trying to humiliate or insult DDJ, I was just saying I don't think there's anything platonic about taking a girl out for dinner on Valentine's day.

    I do apologize if my choice of words was inappropriate, though.
     
  16. baconbits Moderator

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    Its cool, man. I appreciate you saying that. I just know what it feels like to return to a thread and run through eight replies that are negative and aimed at you. That's why I try to softly deliver my critiques.
     
  17. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    That is very unlikely to happen, because Lady J and I are already in a relationship, and you would be very unlikely to find us in a major city that contains hundreds of thousands of people, especially since you do not know what we look like.

    After dinner on that day, I did attempt to kiss her, but it was very awkward and brief in duration because it was still early in our relationship. When I kissed her, more recently, the kiss was less awkward, but I am still hoping that we may share a kiss that is not awkward at all.

    Also, she has no problem with physical contact between the two of us (currently limited to holding hands or me stroking her hair, arms, or legs), and I imagine that she would not allow a platonic friend to do those things.
     
  18. Aruarian Ensō // Reflection Eternal

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    Well... I have several platonic female friends with whom I sleep together, cuddle, etc. without either of us being sexually/romantically interested in the other. Not as some weird-ass friendzone, but rather because intimacy is wonderful and it's good to unlink that from being exclusive to sexual acts/partners.
     
  19. Evil Pantalones Unqualified Idiot

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    Completely agree, however I find this extremely hard to pull without getting a raging boner.

    Especially in the morning.

     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017 at 10:57 AM
  20. Aruarian Ensō // Reflection Eternal

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    I have to deal with blanket hogs on my end, they can deal with morning wood. xD
     
  21. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    When Lady J and I are out to celebrate our one-year anniversary, I am considering asking her a question such as "I have been telling everyone that we are boyfriend and girlfriend; is that okay with you?" or "How do you feel about everyone else referring to us as boyfriend and girlfriend?" Such questions are not too direct and forceful, allowing her to feel comfortable while also clearly conveying my message. Does that seem to be a good idea to everyone else?

    Also, Lady J invited me out on the Saturday after we celebrate our anniversary, so I am very pleased about that, which, combined with her meeting members of my family on the first weekend of October, means that we shall be getting together for three consecutive weekends, which shall give us plenty of time to advance our relationship.
     
  22. Island In the Sun

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    Please don't phrase it like this.
     
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  23. Law Godfather Moderator

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    "It's my fault for never actually asking specifically-- but we are boyfriend and girlfriend, right?"

    You'll sound lame, but you'll have no one to blame for that but yourself.

    If you try and say it differently so you sound better or so it's less awkward for you-- you'll only make it worse.
     
  24. Darkmatter Lion's Sin of Pride

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    I don't recommend you saying things like that, in my opinion.
    What I can tell you is to say something like "We've known each other for <insert amount of time>...", from there you can add some trivial things about her and maybe a little bit about you, THEN I recommend from that point on to ask her to be your GF. Ask that Million Dollar question, and you should be set.

    The first one you've mentioned implies you've been spreading misinformation about you and her. If she doesn't even know about the relationship between you two, then it won't end up well for you.
    The second one is not a brilliant way to progress your relationship. I'm confident enough to know she doesn't give a flying fuck about what other people think (make your discussion relevant). So unless you're good at wordplay, I don't recommend asking those questions you've mentioned.
     
  25. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    Yes, that does make sense, so perhaps I should not ask such questions.

    How will that make the situation worse?
     
  26. baconbits Moderator

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    Please don't get into the phrasing game. Conversations rarely follow a script - so long as you define your relationship you'll be fine. Trying hard to say the perfect words is not the right way to go about this.

    I don't know exactly where @Law was going with his comments (I definitely agree with his points but can't presume what his next point will be) but in my opinion trying to have the perfect words comes across insincere. So long as you say it, even if its lame, you'll be fine. And if a girl really likes you even the lame and cheesy things you do will be received as if they are "cute" or "quirky". Trust me on this.
     
  27. Law Godfather Moderator

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    There was nothing further. I likely will have nothing to say until he comes back here with a definitive answer.
     
  28. DemonDragonJ Helium Head

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    Somehow, I imagine that making a grand and eloquent speech about how I believe that Lady J and I are a perfect match for each other and that I cannot stand to be without her would not be a good idea: do you agree with that, @baconbits and @Law?
     
  29. Death Arcana XIII. La Muerte

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    Yo @baconbits, so the girl I've mentioned before and I have decided to officially be dating. I was pretty excited and we've had feeling for each other for a while but I've gotten cold feet immediately. We're both kinda lost as to where to go now and it hasn't even been a week.
    Maybe it's also our circumstances too. She lives about an hour and a half drive away so it's a bit hard to see her. Now I'm lowkey panicking with all sorts of thoughts about how this might not work.
    I'm also kinda noticing that I've still not phased out of my single mindset. I'm still checking out women, which is kinda making me feel guilty.
    \I was after her for so long, but now that I got what I wanted, I don't know what to do, fug.
     
  30. John Wick I once was VAK but now I'm back.

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    you just come across as weird and needy, just follow the advice given to you and stop trying to freestyle you're terrible at it.
    Make love to her
     

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