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Advice Emotional Help/Advice Thread

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by baconbits, Oct 19, 2017.

  1. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Many of you know that there are lots of people in online communities that struggle with social anxiety issues, depression, etc. The problem is getting worse, not better. Many people are hamstrung by their own e-personas: they wonder why they can be so cool online but have a hard time being the same way in real life. Others are afraid to ask for help for fear that the information could get out and into the hands of trolls.

    Some troll because they see everyone else as just an NPC in their lives. They feel like their life lacks depth and that the people around them are so bland, so cookie cutter that ultimately none of their lives matter. Others, on the other side of the spectrum, deal with issues of rage, or simply a wild roller coaster of emotion, a ride they feel they are a passenger on, not the driver of it.

    Well, I want to help. This is the thread to come for emotional advice and help. I don't promise to be able to solve all issues, but at least you know you'll have a friendly ear (eye, literally, since I'll be reading this), to help understand you. Ultimately if you're in serious trouble there's no substitute for a professional, but so long as you don't mind talking through your issues in this thread I'm here to help.

    And as always you can PM me if you don't want to discuss things publicly. This is a judgment free thread. If you want my religious take on things you can always ask for it, but this is just a place for help, an emotional sanctuary, if you will.

    Disclaimer: If you're seriously contemplating harming yourself or others seek a professional. I help people in real life but I'm not there with you to talk to you, put a hand on your shoulder, etc. There's no substitute for a real professional helping you out in real time in real life.
     
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  2. Khaleesi Super Moderator

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    I will tolerate NO rude behavior in this thread. If you don’t like threads to be modded strictly then I’m already telling you right now to not post here. This is a serious topic and the people who post in here will be treated with kindness and respect. You’re automatically thread banned if I see you being rude or cruel to anyone in here even if you think it’s funny or that it’s just a joke.
     
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  3. Darkmatter Lion's Sin of Pride

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    I guess the closest time I would've used this thread was during the Post-Irma days, mainly because being overwhelmed by assignments and catching up threw me off for the worse.
    But honestly, I think the best "cure" for my stress is just to speak with someone, be it my parents, some random guy in my University, or anyone here.

    Still feeling my sanity chipping away, but thank god the worse has passed. :catprone
     
  4. savior2005 Well-Known Member

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    I'm also here to help, PM me about anything. Talking honestly helps immensely imo.
     
  5. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Talking definitely helps. In the aftermath of a larger tragedy often times we can be overwhelmed by the enormity of the matter. Talking with friends helps. Sometimes because we just need to connect to others. It can also help remind us that we are part of something bigger, whether that be a family, a community or a group of friends. And sometimes that helps put things in perspective.

    Oddly enough helping others can also be a stress reliever. It can take your mind off of your own troubles and help you put your problems in perspective. It really helps me to appreciate my kids, even when they're misbehaving, when I'm working with a person who is struggling and unable to have children. Sometimes another person's issues will put yours to shame, where you'll be complaining about your boss' snide comments and someone else has a major scandal going on in their company.

    The problem is that when stress comes we're tempted to close down and isolate ourselves and this is rarely the solution. I'm not talking about going on a little break. Those can be helpful. I'm talking about cutting off human contact but emotionally and physically. That rarely helps. It's usually better to connect to others.
     
  6. Darkmatter Lion's Sin of Pride

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    I've never thought about that one. Maybe this advice will come in handy. :hm

    This really hasn't been a big issue for me tbh, although it's quite impossible for me to really cut human contact.
    Assuming I'm not bombarded with assignments from my university, I tend to just play video games or watch Youtube videos, which can help with my stress levels drastically.
    Thanks for the interesting advices tho.
     
  7. Dr. Negri Well-Known Member

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    Very good thread baconbits. I will share some personal experiences here from my hypochondria and how communication helped me. Unfortunately I still experience social anxiety which has affected me negatively in both school and career.
     
  8. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Thanks, man. Social anxiety is hard to address without a lot of patience. You have to be really patient with yourself and realize that sometimes it's three steps forwards and two steps back. But as long as you keep pressing forwards you will see progress being made.

    Would you mind sharing some of the positive steps you'v taken? I'm sure others would find it helpful.
     
  9. Itachі Man of The People

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    Is it healthy that I'm forgetting about someone I used to care about immensely? A few years ago I was head over heels for this woman and now I barely think about her. I don't remember much about her or my time with her. It probably seems like a good thing but honestly.. I miss it. I used to think about her and could feel whatever, I could think about my fuck ups and feel guilt or think about how amazing she was and feel happy. For the past year or so I really haven't been feeling much of anything and I find it hard to accept. She's the only person I've really cared about like that and I guess I don't wanna forget her. Also there's this girl at uni I've known for a year that reminds me of her and recently I've been gravitating towards her. Idk if it's because I think she's kinda cute, because she reminds me of the other woman or both. :catprone
     
  10. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Well, it's actually healthier to forget, tho it can be sometimes painful to forget and you can sometimes feel guilt for doing so.

    The reason is that without having interacted with that person your memories slowly drift from what they are now (or were then, in the case of a deceased loved one) to whatever you have in your mind, which becomes associated with lots of other information along the way. Weird things get connected like types of smells, a certain song, the way a person holds their head, etc. In other words your memories can get twisted rather easily. Those things that get twisted fade away but your general feeling about the person usually stays.

    To the degree that losing anyone is painful, even if the loss was purposeful, like a breakup you initiated, being able to forget is healthy. It's in some ways like a wound that is slowly fading away. Perhaps it will leave a scar, or an imprint on you in some way, but the pain eventually leaves. So forgetting is natural and there's very little you can do about it. It's not something you could ever stop without constantly having the person around you.

    At the same time, tho, you'll still feel guilt. Sometimes we think "I'm not treating the person as seriously as I should have". Or "this is too important to forget". I understand that sentiment, but I prefer to, instead of fixating on the details lost, to focus on the things learned. Did you learn what you did wrong? Do you understand how that interaction made you a better person? If you can answer those questions affirmatively the memories you have of her are better than any emotional imprint she could have left.

    Of course mere words can't make that loss go away. I don't have the words to do that for you. But sometimes that can help, if only a little. As for the other woman, it could be that you have an honest fondness for her that you did of the other woman. Of course physical attraction plays a part. That shouldn't be downplayed, since it's an important part of attraction and a romantic relationship. But it could be as small a thing as you feel about her the same way as you did the woman in your past.

    In the end, tho, it's healthy to allow this new woman the ability to leave her own imprint on your mind without the baggage of the other. It's just more fair for her to do so. Anyways this was a long way of saying little, lol. But I hope it helped you or at least leads to something helpful.
     
  11. Kitsune `★.。・:*:・ Retired Staff

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    This is really sweet of you, bacon.

    To anyone who is feeling down, you’re not alone in your misery. It’s really common these days to feel depressed/anxious and a lot of people suffer silently. Don’t be afraid to get help and don’t lose hope.
     
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  12. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Thanks, Kits. But to add to her point, if you're in serious trouble use this simply as a stepping stool to go to more professional help. This thread has it's obvious limitations - we can only do so much even if we do care. Sometimes there's just no substitute for a professional, no matter how good our intentions are.

    That said, there are lots of reasons why depression and anxiety are common. I think even tho we have more means to connect to each other we feel more disconnected from each other than ever before. That's why I say this: if you have a friend, a real friend that cares about you, someone you can be nasty to from time to time and still forgives you, you have something that is more valuable than gold. I truly mean this.

    Because often times the best solutions to our emotional problems are a good support system, and a support system is nothing more than a group of people that care about you: friends. Real life friends are the best, but don't neglect your e-friends, either. I know we can't see you face to face but behind your computer of phone screen is a real person. If that person you've met online has been supportive for years I would also count that as a friend. There's no shame in that.
     
  13. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    At this current time, my life is fairly good and positive; there is little about which I have reason to feel negative or depressed, except for one or two certain issues. Currently, my lack of success with my relationships is the greatest source of emotional turmoil in my life, but there is already a thread for that, so I shall not mention it here. Also, that lack of success is part of a larger issue; I have already stated that I often feel envy toward my brother and cousins for being much more successful in pursuing their careers and relationships than I have been, so I seek a way to console myself and not feel inadequate compared to them.

    I am not the only person who is suffering from my lack of success in my career; my parents wish to move into a smaller house and go on vacation more frequently than they currently do (which is very infrequently), but they cannot do so while I am still living with and being supported by them; I give them money every month and help with various household and yardwork tasks, but I definitely cannot afford to support myself outside of their house, and it is not fair to them that they should be held back from doing what they wish to do because of me. What can anyone else say about this?

    Thank you for such kind words; I do wish that every moderator would have this attitude mroe often, as this forum would be a much friendlier place if they did (I am not saying that this forum is not friendly, but it is not as friendly as it could be).
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2017
  14. baconbits Super Moderator

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    @DemonDragonJ , thanks for visiting this thread. Let me say this first: envying your brother is not healthy emotionally for you. In fact it is the desire to compare your situation to your brother’s that is the root cause of your envy.

    But before we get to that let me first acknowledge that one of the biggest hurdles in helping someone with an emotional problem is correctly identifying the root of that problem and then getting the person you’re trying to help to accept that. The desire to compare your situation with his is not fair to him or you. Both of you are your own persons, with your own skills and challenges. He has skills that you don't and you have skills that he doesn't.

    He may be better than you at something. But how does it benefit you or him to do a comparison? This comparison only feeds your envy and makes you feel inadequate. What is the solution? Well the solution to an emotional issue is never to just stop doing what is causing you an issue; it's always better to replace the negative with a positive. And the positive here is to appreciate your brother. Trade your envy for appreciation; see him not as a measuring stick but rather as someone that has accomplished some of the things you plan to do and has the inside information on how to do it.

    Your feelings of inadequacy are also related to this, but it's more subtle, because you feel that your parent's value you in comparison with your brother, which is simply not the case. Most parents know their children and while they may compare them they don't view his success as your deficit and vice versa. Most parents want all of their children to be successful. Having two sons myself I feel the same way; I don't want them competing with each other. I want them to work together. It's a joy to me to see them playing together, helping each other and wishing the best for each other.

    I don't think your parents are that much different in their sentiment. Now they may want to do other things. You could be right about that. But realize that they could easily kick you out and do their own thing. They haven't, not because of some feeling of obligation; it's because they want the best for you and are willing to sacrifice something to achieve that. You are certainly a very loved person; there are many people that will visit this thread later that will not be able to say the same about their parents.

    Instead of worrying about your parent's feelings, when they clearly just love you and want the best for you, worry about being the best person you can be. Because if you can improve your situation you will automatically solve the problems of inadequacy, envy and being able to move out of their house. Instead of looking at this situation from a negative perspective let's look at it from a positive one: you have a family that loves you and wants the best for you. They are willing to do whatever it takes so that you can focus on your success and being the best man you can be, so be the best man you can be and fulfill their wish for you.
     
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  15. DemonDragonJ Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?

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    @baconbits, I made my above post before I had my very successful date with Lady J; also, by coincidence, I started a new technical support job earlier that week (on Monday, October 23), so I currently am feeling very good about myself and my life at the moment.
     
  16. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Lately I've heard of quite a few people dealing with the suicides of close loved ones. First, my heart goes out to all the people who have to deal with something like this. Most of the time someone deals with something like this you're immediately assaulted with tons of questions. And if you've gone through something like this before you know what they are: why did the person do this? What could we have done? Was there something I missed?

    I understand those questions. It's natural to have them. But at a time of sadness there are a few things you need to take note of.

    1. Mourning is healthy. You need to take time to mourn. This isn't the most popular thing to say nowadays. In our fast paced, modern world a loved one will die on Monday, have a funeral Thursday and most folks return to work by Monday. Now I understand that "life goes on" and all that jazz, but I want to suggest an alternative to jumping right into everything. Take one month and slow things down. One month. Take time out of your schedule to remember the person, to make sense of your sadness. To contemplate things.

    Sadness is not a positive emotion. But it's a necessary emotion and it's one we need to allow to function before we start to return to all of our activities. Do yourself a favor and be patient with your grief. Most people simply don't take enough time to grieve the loss of their loved ones.

    2. Rely on your circle of friends. You might be the pillar of your circle of friends, but it's for times like this that friends exist in the first place. Don't be afraid to lean on those close to you. If you are someone reading this and you haven't suffered the loss of someone close to you, build a circle of friends. There's no better prescription for proper mental and spiritual health than a good circle of friends.

    3. Don't make life altering decisions in times of grief. Now sometimes these things are forced on you and you don't have an option. But if you have the ability to hold off a decision that will impact your future, do so. When you're in the midst of deep sorrow you're not your most rational; you're not fully able to make decisions with the same ability that you usually would, no matter how logical or emotionally strong you may usually be. So hold off on that big decision. It can wait.

    4. Don't isolate yourself. There's nothing worse for our mental health than isolation. In isolation our thoughts can get wild; without a frame of reference we often take things out of proportion. As humans we are social creatures; no matter how much individuality we all have we still have needs that takes a community to meet. So don't isolate yourself. It's not healthy.

    And as always, seek a professional if you sink into depression. I will offer what help I can but nothing beats a caring professional who can meet you face to face.
     
  17. selfconcile Member

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    I'm not sure why I crumble as soon as someone uses a certain tone of voice with me or yells at me. I still feel as overly sensitive as I was as a child; my skin hasn't gotten much thicker and I'll still feel easily humiliated about myself. I also feel sensitive to changes in the way people treat me. People withdrawing their good humour or love is very painful. I'll spent days after thinking whether a reaction was proportionate, fair, and ruminating over my pathetic feelings and what was said. I find it difficult to get over it and act normal with those people, even if they've already more or less forgotten.

    I don't know if I'm insulted, saddened, angered, or hurt; all I know is that I'm a big baby and I can't figure out how not to be.
     
  18. Khaleesi Super Moderator

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    Ok but are you me because you just described me to a tee
     
  19. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Normally this occurs when you suffered emotional trauma or repeated abuse. This abuse doesn't have to be something you could make a movie about; it could literally be someone just making you do things you don't want to do that have nothing to do with sexual things (which can actually make this effect worse, by the way). You could be made to feel like a prisoner or slave and after a certain amount of time the plastic nature of the brain makes it so that your reactions to the abuse seem fixed. With or without your consent you'll follow the same pattern. It's been beaten into your psyche.

    In the parenthesis I hinted that mild abuse might lead to this effect being worse. Here's why: you can't explain to yourself why you keep reacting the way that you do. If you had been severely beaten or sexually traumatized you could at least understand your fear. But with the mild you're left even more desperate for an explanation.

    For those reading that don't understand you just don't realize how easily this occurs. It's the reason that you sometimes revert to being immature when you visit your parent's home or argue about the same things with an ex or old friend. Mental patterns can be very difficult to break; it's even harder when the other person is still there to impose the pattern on you and is following a similar pattern him or herself, just in the role of abuser instead of the victim.

    So let's look at this matter with a level of caring first: you're not a bad person. You're not a coward. You've been abused in some way. Much like grass that has been repeatedly trampled can easily become a path, your mind is becoming a path for people to walk over you.

    And I understand. You feel a bit helpless. But the fact that you said this to me here is huge. It shows a degree of courage just to put things out there. You're not the only one going through this. And you know what? Those oppressing you might be going through the same thing. The problem is that because they are in a position of power they are the unwitting subjects of a mental process they also have a hard time escaping. They might even hate themselves for not being able to stop. This is a very real possibility.

    But back to you: yes, there are solutions, but no, there are no quick solutions. If anyone promises you a quick solution brand that person as a con artist. The first thing you have to recognize is this: you're predisposed now to be taken advantage of emotionally. And this has shattered your self confidence. The solution is to rebuild your self confidence, rebuild your emotional support system, only associate with those who will lovingly aid your pursuit of confidence and admit that the process will be slow, but well worth it.

    First, you need to rebuild your self confidence. To this end you need to do something: a nice little exercise. First, come up with the things you're good at. If you need someone to talk to you can tell them to me either here or via PM. Just talk about your life and what you do. I suggest a real life counselor for this. Don't be afraid of getting help. We all need help from time to time. What are your strengths? What are your gifts? Then, ask those who don't have a history of taking advantage of you to help you with this. What do they admire about you? What do they like about you?

    Use those things you learn to do this: they should become a center. Meditation is the process of realigning your thought processes based on what you know to be true. Religious minds have meditated for centuries because of the way it empowers the mind and helps keep our lives in perspective. When you learn all these good things about yourself I want you to meditate on them. Remember them.

    Take a little time each day to think about what makes you the good you and how you can get closer to being that ideal you you dream of being. This doesn't mean you pretend you don't have flaws; rather it means you accept there are good things about yourself and instead of fretting about what you can't do you focus on what you can do. The most futile mental process is worrying about things you cannot change or cannot do. So don't engage in that process.

    Why do this? Because one of the points of abuse is to make you doubt your self worth. However if you start to make your self worth a part of your mind that is fixed or not plastic or changeable, you dampen the impact of someone else's abuse.

    Second, rebuild your emotional support system. This and the next points are simply the positive and negative aspects of the same thing. You need to surround yourself with people that believe in you. A big part of any person's mental and spiritual health is a good circle of friends. I can't speak to how big a circle of friends is. If you don't have one, start building one. If you have a good friend he or she is worth more than their weight in gold. Let them know that, too.

    Third, with is just the negative aspect of the second, only associate with those who will lovingly aid your pursuit of confidence. You might want to hold off doing this until you have more successfully done the first two steps but a big thing to help you is to remove the people that hurt you. As much as is possible don't stay around people that abuse you. If you sense the same traits of your abuser run the other way. Don't hesitate to make a quick judgment call. It's okay to be wrong. Just admit it if you made a wrong call later. But for now let caution be your guide and refuse to associate with people who have the traits of those that would victimize you.

    Lastly, admit that the process will take some time. There are no quick fixes. But the good news is that there are some real successes that have happened. I'm working with a guy in real life that was emotionally abused by his mother for a long time. I don't want to give out all his business but he's doing a lot better simply because we've worked on these things and dealt with an issue most folks who have this issue want to avoid: conflict. But that's a topic for another day, unless you want an immediate answer on that.

    ... I didn't plan to spew all this text. This is what happens when I don't get to preach a sermon in a few weeks, lol.
     
  20. Kitsune `★.。・:*:・ Retired Staff

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    What kind of advice to you give to people with temper problems? This isn't that big of a deal for me, but I feel like I tend to go from 0 to 50 in a millisecond at times. I don't lash out physically but I can snap verbally and be irritable. This is something I usually regret because it tends to be over very inconsequential things. If anything, I handle serious circumstances with more maturity than small annoying things that come up. What should I do to get control of this bad trait?
     
  21. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Well, you want to get a handle on this because of a few reasons. First, anger issues can become problems for the people closest to you. The people in the position to annoy you the most are those that are closest to you, which means that an anger problem unchecked is the first step towards being on the other side of the problem I just addressed. In other words, you can be an emotional abuser and not even know it.

    But how do you get a handle on it? That's a tough one but there are two things that helped me with mine. When I was younger I used to rage all the time. And my mom once said, "that's how you become an abuser of women". At the time my uncle had beaten my aunt terribly. My aunt would not tell the truth about what occurred, for fear that the men in the family would kill my uncle. But ultimately understanding that I could be an abuser because I couldn't check my emotions really stuck with me.

    In the end the understanding that my unchecked anger is a danger to others has helped a lot. But anger is an issue with multiple levels. The first level is, what makes you angry? As I've counseled people for a long time and learned to be honest with my own weaknesses I've determined that anger is strongly linked to self focusedness and pride. In other words the more humble and down to earth you are, the less you'll be angry; the more loving you are the harder it is to become angry. But the more arrogant and selfish you are, the easier it is to become angry.

    Anger is the emotional reaction that seeks to protect the psyche. It's not always bad. But just like a car alarm that goes off just because someone drives by an anger that arises with the slightest irritation is too sensitive, so you have to deal with that sensitivity, by either learning to love, learning to not focus on the self or learning a bit more emotional durability.

    The other problem is, suppose the anger is perfectly legitimate. How do you deal with that effectively? You can imagine all the things that actually should make an emotionally healthy person angry, from being cheated to catching a crime in progress. Now what do you do now? I think there needs to be a process where mentally you create a separation in your mind where you consider 'is my anger valid?"; "is the intensity of my anger appropriate"? And once the answer is yes then you ask, 'What now?'.

    Well ultimately our anger is tied to our sense of justice, which in turn is tied to our own internal sense of ethics. But just as lady justice is pictured as a woman holding a scale our anger's output should match the severity of the injustice being done. Someone stepping on your foot might be accidental. The same person doing it again might deserve a shove. The same person doing it to a child might deserve a punch. Try to match your anger's output to the severity of the action.

    All this to go on another sermon... God bless all of you patient enough to dive through all of that!

    Summary - Anger has two problems:

    1. Cause - related to our sense of self and our ability to care about what other's think
    2. Output - related to our sense of justice

    The solution?

    If your problem is 1. Deal with your sensitivity to triggers of anger. Don't blame the triggers; ultimately you have no control over what others do to you. All you can control is how you react to these outside stimuli. Solve the problem by learning to relate better to others. Understand the danger of becoming emotionally abusive.

    If your problem is 2. Step back. If you can do this physically by separating from the source of the anger. Or if you cannot do this physically train yourself to do this mentally by assessing how bad the offense is and meting out your reaction in proportion to the offense.

    You might have a third problem: dealing with conflict, which, since it's come out twice I'll have to address either later today or tomorrow. I promise I didn't plan to do this as some kind of entertainment tease, lol.
     
  22. Kitsune `★.。・:*:・ Retired Staff

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    @baconbits Good post. I think you touched on some truths I need to digest. I’ll reply with a follow up when I’ve mulled this over a bit. Thank you!
     
  23. selfconcile Member

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    I feel less alone about it knowing someone can relate. I had a good conversation with the person whose actions and words indirectly caused me to reach out here. We're doing better now, but I know that I can't have this kind of conversation with everyone, and that I'll feel the same way again in the future. It is a debilitating feeling and I hope things work out well for you.

    @baconbits I really appreciate your advice; I know it might take some time, maybe even a long time, but what you said inspired in me some real hope. I am glad that I asked you. Thank you!
     
  24. baconbits Super Moderator

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    No problem. It's good to know what we're saying here helps, even if it's just a little bit.
     
  25. Dr. Negri Well-Known Member

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    I will not go into details, but I have had some dark periods in my childhood which I can't write here since I have shown my face around. I would say that my social anxiety stems from those experiences. It has gotten worse now when I have become older and can reflect back. I can't build relationships because of that. What can I do? I have learned to live with my memories.

    Education has helped me tremendously. It is the only thing I have and hold precious (except family), it has defined me to the person I am today and I don't know where I would have ended without it.

    Emotionally I used to be really cool and laidback, but as I grew older I act more and more on feelings, I let anger take control over my behaviour etc.

    Going to school is actually the only thing that helps me, having the routines to keep myself engaged.
     
  26. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Well, my heart goes out to you, man. Thanks so much for sharing.

    Like you've said here tho it's so important to focus on self improvement. Going to school and getting an education, for others it could be working out or getting into fashion - these things are very important for our self image. If you struggle with social anxieties fashion, education and fitness are three good areas to work on, because they help build your self confidence and make you a better person. You can never really go wrong with improving in any of those three areas.

    I would just advise you to be patient with yourself. If you have your family and they aren't withdrawing from you you have a relationship that you're building. That means that you can actually build relationships; it just takes time for you to do so.

    Of course you shouldn't force the issue. But I think that you need to realize that if you already have relationships you are a very resilient person and you've been able to keep relationships despite your dark past, and that's something worth patting yourself on the back for. You might think "it's just family". Well, I have a ton of posters and PM's I could send your way where people don't have a good relationship with their families. Trust me, this is a credit to your character and to the character of your family that you still have a healthy relationship with them.

    As for your memories... you can't avoid them and I don't know that you should try to avoid them. Instead I would simply view them as obstacles that you've overcome and continue to overcome. I know that when it comes to things like this I'm very much an optimist. However I think our mental perspectives are often the key to solving the issues of the heart. You're still here, getting an education, proving your intelligence, supported by your family, despite your dark past. That's more than most of us can say. You might see your past as a weight you're dragging. I see your past as a weight you're dragging, as if we're both in a race and I'm struggling to make it and I look over and see you doing the same pace, dragging two tires behind you.

    It's not easy. But try to be positive when you can. And don't be afraid to talk about your experiences with people you trust. Communication is one of the best outlets for emotional pain.
     
  27. baconbits Super Moderator

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    Wanted to talk about an issue that I've seen impact quite a few people and even myself. It's holding on to anger for too long. One of the things about anger is that it slowly degrades our mental state. Anger initially makes you more alert, sharper. But as you hold it it's kind of the emotional equivalent to trying to stare at something for a long time.

    If you've ever tried it what happens is that you lose peripheral vision. You slowly begin to lose the ability to focus on anything else and this hurts your ability to keep everything in your vision in perspective. Something can then come from the sides, something you would normally notice, and you'll be surprised by it, because you no longer have the wide angle of vision that you're used to having.

    Anger does the same thing. It distorts your ability to focus on other things and starts to distort your sense of proportion. Because of this some people consider anger a bad thing. I don't. But just like fire or electricity I think it's something that is often useful but needs care when handling.

    Anger is meant to be used, so use it. If someone angers you, you need to communicate that in some fashion. Perhaps you weren't right to be angry. If so use something to dissipate that anger, like a workout, letting the issue go mentally, humor, etc. If you are right to be angry use that anger as a fuel for a positive action. Whatever you do don't hold onto anger and let it devolve into bitterness. Remember that bitterness is never a beneficial emotion.
     
  28. Ashi Ka-Ka!

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    Alright I’ll try to sum this up as best as I can. Lately, I’ve started to feel like I can’t really count on myself. Which really sucks cause I’m not getting younger, and I’ve started to find out the hard way that it pays to be independent and be good at what you’re doing.

    I normally try to keep a positive outlook, but it becomes harder when my mistakes stare me dead in the face, and I can’t act like it’s all good when it isn’t.

    Sometimes when I feel like I put in an honest effort, it feels like I’m still going nowhere because of how little I have to show for it.

    Anyway that’s the basic gist of how I feel, it hasn’t manifested itself into any sort of serious anxiety, but it’s still there nonetheless.
     
  29. baconbits Super Moderator

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    I'm guessing there's something specific that's leading you to feel this way. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss that in more detail.

    First thing is that you need to recognize that your value as a person has more to it than just what you can do. You have value as a son, as a friend, as a member of a community. Don't fall into the mental trap of assigning yourself the value of your latest performance, whether that performance be good or bad. There's more to a person than how they perform any one task.

    That said how you perform the different things you do DOES matter to how you value yourself. But I think you need to ask yourself, "why can't you count on yourself"? There are three main causes for this: a slump, a bad value judgment or a bad self assessment.

    What do I mean by a slump? Well for me its when I have writer's block or when I'm preparing for a sermon and I can't find inspiration for what to study for or what to say. And that's the thing. You can be genuinely good at something and have times where you just can't perform at the level you'd wish to. That happens to people of all levels at any manner of skills.

    The issue is not our talent, it's our mental approach. It's like a star baseball player who's in a slump. He knows he can hit the ball. He's just not playing at the level he wants to play with; he doesn't know why and he's increasingly frustrated. So the answer is simple but not easy: he has to find a way to get past his block.

    But the second possible cause is a bad value judgment. As said before are you assigning your self worth by comparing yourself to others or your latest performance? That's not a good way to look at things. A lot of times we look at our own failures and magnify them because they matter so much to us, and we think others look at us the same way, when in reality our mistakes aren't as big as we're making them out to be. It reminds me of the guy that is about to jump for joy because one girl likes him and questions everything when another doesn't want to give him her number. Sometimes you can't always get the results you want, but never let that determine how you value yourself. You need to understand your value as a man and determine that independently. Never let anything outside of your own consciousness determine your self worth.

    The third possible cause is a bad self assessment. Maybe what you're trying to force yourself to do isn't what you're actually good at. I'm a firm believer in the thought that each person has talents and abilities that, when they learn how to maximize them, will lead to a more satisfied and emotionally secure life. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and asking yourself "what am I really good at?" or "what do others who are close to me think that I'm good at".

    Ultimately, what you're feeling is frustration. Frustration comes from attempting to do something and not getting the results you want. I know that's simplistic but my point in saying that is that the fact that you're attempting to do something means that you're moving forwards. You might not see it now but sometimes the frustrations you're facing now are the battlegrounds that prepare you to move forward. I was reading an article about Kobe Bryant and he mentioned how when he first started his career he was in a playoff game where he shot his team out of the game by shooting repeated airballs.

    He was extremely frustrated, so much so that he started to hate life. But he used that frustration as a fuel to push himself to work on his jumpshot. He never forgot how he felt when he was frustrated, but he used that as a fuel for his success. I don't think that's an easy thing to do, but I don't think that frustration is always a bad thing to feel in the long run. I think that some of the negative emotions we feel we feel for a reason and they drive us to do better. With the right perspective I think that you can turn this frustration into something you can build off of.

    I hope that doesn't come off as belittling what you feel, either. That's not my intention. My intention is to see you be emotionally healthy.
     
  30. SternRitter Well-Known Member

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    I suppose I'll give a brief summary of my anxiety/depression issues. Basically I was suffering from severe anxiety around age 14/15 but didn't actually realise it until I was around 22 (I'm 24 now) and by that point it had "mutated"? (sorry I can't think of a description for it) into depression also. After taking a long look back at my life I put together the pieces pretty well IMO.

    For the next series of info I'll disclose I have 2 older sisters and 1 younger along with my parents who are still happily married.

    1: When I was younger (roughly 4-12) I honestly had the world at my feet, Countless friends, No enemies and was just all around very good at school.

    2: When I was around 10 one of my older sisters (both are 11 and 12 year older than me, my younger sister is 3 years younger) was raped on a night out. I was still to young to remember exactly the circumstance but I still remember the ordeal. This cause us to move house when I personally was at a critical stage in school life, Friend and academic wise. However I do not blame anyone for this I perfectly understand this situation.

    3: Obviously moving schools and towns is a huge deal for a young child but I managed to adapt. Unfotunately we moved again 6 months later and this threw me off a cliff mentally. I had just established solid new relationships, back on track in school and I had to do it again?

    4. At this point my whole attention was focused on making new friends for the 3rd time, I have a slight hand deformity. 100% capable reflex//dexterity wise it's like 90% aesthetic. This makes you a huge target on the playground. Because of my focus on new friends my grades began to slip (for the first time ever). You're first failure is always a shocking experience and to be honest it still sticks with me today.

    5: In the UK we just have primary school (until age 10/11) then secondary (until 17/18) for anyone that didn't know. Skipping the middle parts out, My secondary school was a nightmare. I don't know why but my class year all 300 students despised each other for no reason except your own group of friends (whom I'm still friends with today, great bunch of people) It was the kind of school even if you were absent for one day there would be a bullshit rumor made about you and it would last for week until the next victim.

    6: spending 6 years in an environment like this absolutely ruined me. I finished secondary with 5 Highers and 2 Advanced Highers (basically I could get into any university I wanted) however i just couldn't. My life in that school ruined my whole mental state so I just ended up working a dead end job ( and still am to this day).

    7: around the same time my mother damaged her spine and has her condition worsened her selfishness rose. At this point both my older sisters had moved out and I was left to pick up all the pieces from around age 12 to this day still.

    I didn't realise until around age 22 that I was severely mentally ill. At this point in my life I was addicted to opiates. I am clean 2 year now but It was a very tough time. I realised that because of the Anxiety that I developed over the years I stopped having dreams and ambitions and began to live day by day dreading what was around every corner. It has completely halted me as a person and I don't know If I can ever be who I once was.
     
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