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Flashfiction #28 Rating Thread

Discussion in 'Reader's Corner' started by afgpride, Mar 1, 2018.

  1. afgpride Retired Staff

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    Deadline is Sunday.

    Anyone may rate and critique, whether or not they have an entry.

    Entrants must rate with 50 words a review to qualify for points.
     
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  2. Lucaniel non serviam

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    flower

    solid piece, lets you understand the context and situation as well as get some idea of the time period without the piece ever dragging or losing pace because the prose, dialogue, and development of the interaction work together to provide that information. i don't have much to say about its flaws besides that it needed some proofreading ("blacksmiths shop"), it's competently-done. 7/10

    wad

    i don't know what kind of cop talks like this, but the dialogue just doesn't ring true to me as something that might be said in a conversation or even an interrogation. it's very awkward and starting off with a large block of dialogue from one person is thus also a bad choice. this whole piece is kinda confusing and awkward tbh because winston just blurts out what you'd think would be a big secret and then immediately after it hints at the existence of some third party, "they", who are the real enemies? it's a mess. 2/10

    shit

    this is awkwardly-written throughout - "gathered up her objectivity and indifference for the task in front of her.", "passport looking", - but the dialogue is passable and the concept is at least a creative take on the theme, albeit i'd expect more of a spectacle for a birthday then just shooting a single laser once. 4/10
     
  3. Lucaniel non serviam

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  4. afgpride Retired Staff

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    Flower:

    "Not very good" um excuse me. I really liked this. At immediate glance I felt the prose was a little too formal but I quickly realized that's the most appropriate register for this setting. Your descriptions were good, dialogue, microsuggestion, the drama was executed well. An often overlooked part of world building is interpersonal relationships between characters. I might just be projecting here but it's a facet I often ignore, and it really brought this short little tale to life. Nicely done.

    7.5/10


    WAD:

    Seems you put thought into the world and the logistics here. I find the setting and narrative interesting. I like the distinction between readers and charmers, given that peoples' thoughts are often chaotic and thus hard to decipher and do anything with. It's a believable in-universe power dynamic. The interrogation was a nice platform for the piece, but it was executed sloppily here. The dialogue was forced and rushed. You have the content down but not the delivery. Good prose is often times what you're able to illustrate in an elegant manner, engrossing the reader into the story without spilling all the beans at once. I don't mind the block of dialogue of the bat, it just didn't seem to be necessary and set an awkward tone for the piece. The injections of other plot elements seemed rushed and undeveloped, and hence distracting. So it had a lot of rough edges. That said, the narrative you thought up was good, and it's harder to think of a story worth telling than to write it in a readable way, so it's an easy fix. Just a little more focused time put into it, a couple of revisions, improvements of the dialogue and transitions and it could be drastically better.

    5/10


    Shit:

    This has the characteristic "endearing" factor I find a lot of your stories have. I found it very endearing. That said, I really can't wrap my head around the payoff. Is an 'instant' of shooting some type of laser beam out in the sky really worth all the planning and the money, just to impress a 10 year old for a split second? Not quite sure. I appreciate the fact that you were conservative with the power, how it was used, the bells and whistles needed to go through to use it and so on. I just think that the logistics are relatively shoddy. Perhaps a better motive, or a more satisfying payoff would've made it more believable. Also, if he's asking the government for permission, it should be "fees" rather than "fines", which implies he's breaking a law. Presumably if you go to a government office asking to commit a crime they're going to just tell you not to do it. Nonetheless it had the makings for a nice little feel good piece, but it was a swing and miss for me this time.

    5/10


    Lucaniel:

    I'm always noting how you manage to write gruesome scenes with believable potency. It's good shit. The lack of opiods make sense given the context, which gives you reason to write about the pain, and the reason for going through the pain makes sense (at least for the character you wrote). All of this earned a good dose of suspense. Due diligence was made on the chemical angle, at least enough to provide a satisfactory nod. My gripe with this is that I really don't care about Victor at all. I can't empathize with his situation because I don't know why he wants his powers so badly, which is equal lack of a reason to root against him. He's just sort of... there, trying to get powers, and all the focus is made toward that. This means that all of the spotlight is on the scene itself and the prose that tells it, which puts your piece in an unnecessarily high standard to read and enjoy. Clearly, there's a wider story to simply a character having a near death experience to gamble on an unidentified super power. But it's not really told. So all I get is the fact that he did. Leaves something to be wanted. The prose also was noticeably staler than what I'm used to out of you, perhaps either due to rush, disinterest or a simple fluke. The technicality and specificity were all great but the literary finesse seemed a step behind this time.

    6.5/10
     
  5. shit shit is the ne plus ultra

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    @Flower
    The imagery is well done. Nice details paint a vivid picture, but some of the language was awkward at points, probably where you had to cut some words. The characterization of the girl is very well done, and she felt very real. The plot was predictable, but it was a nice showcase for the characters.

    @MAD
    There's too much dialogue here for much else to fit. It'd be nice to put some action and description in these blocks of dialogue so the characters are acting instead of just speakers. There's also a bit too much plot as well. You should've focused more on the scene showing the story as opposed to just laying the story idea out like you did. The ending is sudden, and the mysterious villains are too ill defined for it to mean anything to me, which is unforgivable since you spend so much time defining things (readers, charmers, etc).

    @Lucaniel
    The depiction of the death at the end shines out in this piece, very well done. It makes for a great climax. The conversation as well plays out nicely, and I have to compliment your segue from it to the death scene. I'm disappointed by the very end which just kind of takes the fire completely out of the scene. I almost would've preferred he dropped the needle or something to leave me guessing if he would make it. I feel the super power element just felt like baggage since you didn't have enough space to really define it.

    flower 8
    lucaniel 7
    mad 3
     
  6. afgpride Retired Staff

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    1. Flower - 7.5
    2. Lucaniel - 6.75
    3. Shit - 4.5

    4. MAD - 3.33

    Since only Luc and Shit reviewed,
    Luc - 6 pts
    Shit - 4 pts


    @Lucaniel will choose the next theme.
     
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  7. Lucaniel non serviam

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