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Flashfiction #30 Rating Thread

Discussion in 'Reader's Corner' started by afgpride, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    Critiques for #30: Transformation


    Entrants:
    shit
    Lucaniel
    Avalon
    afgpride

    -Reviews must be at least 50 words per entry and accompany a rating to qualify for reward points.
    -Entrants who do not give full reviews will be disqualified from reward points.
    -Non-entrants who give full reviews will be awarded 1 point for their time (updated in the Prize Nook).


    Deadline is Monday.
     
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  2. Avalon

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    @shit

    Interesting idea for a short story. My favourite part about that piece was the part about the hieroglyphics done in blood, mud, and excrement. Wasn't really bored at any point reading this, the beginning had be hooked since it started with a murder that didn't have an explanation which just made me want to ready more. And as usual, kudos for getting it right at 500 words.

    8/10
     
  3. Avalon

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    @afgpride

    This piece didn't keep my interest as your entry from last week in all honesty. However, I do really appreciate that you're the only one who uses a lot of dialogue in their entries, keep doing that. My favourite part of this piece was when you made a comparison between old Deion and new Deion, highlighting the distinctions between the two.

    7/10
     
  4. Avalon

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    @Lucaniel

    Good job getting exactly 500 words. You really spend a lot of time describing things in your stories with plenty of adjectives which makes it easy to visualize things while I read. It was a good, interesting story. I was not bored at all while reading it. I enjoyed the ending.

    8/10
     
  5. jayjay³² Drug Addict

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    Nigeria

    shit - Review: The story was pretty boring but it had direction, unlike the other pieces this week. I'm not even sure how this narrative ties into the theme, though. I guess we're seeing an ordinary man transform into a murderer? Or the stolen breath transform the liquid into something valuable? Perhaps the liquid transforms the man? I mean, we don't even find out what the liquid does - why on earth would you build this shit up and then not tell us anything about the most important part? These are principal questions that should've been addressed.

    1. There are a million ways to write this sentence and you chose one of the worst ones. It's lazy.
    2. Don't use "wearing" here.
    3. The dying man's strength was fading? Not only are you communicating a detail that is implied (the guy got stabbed in the chest), you repeated the same detail twice with "dying man" and "strength was fading."
    4. This sentence is a mess. Just go with "pinned down and straddled by his assailant's knees."
    5. He carefully took one of his hand's off the knife and fumbled into his backpack.
    6. "The bottom one's eyes went wide"? Why are you presuming it's unclear who you're talking about? The expression could only refer to someone who was being attacked and you were already talking about the victim in the previous sentence.
    7. This sentence is unbelievably bad. He produced the jar? Dude, just say he pulled that shit out of his backpack. Why are we suddenly referring to the victim as "another man killed that afternoon"? It almost makes me wonder whether there were multiple victims. The following sentence says he unscrewed the lid, then you describe the jar as a "lidless jar." I already know the jar doesn't have a lid on it at this point, lmfao.
    8. The jar was open at this point, so, is he taking a deep breath from the jar? Or is he just feeling jittery about the ritual? Make this clear.
    9. Why are you insulting the character? It sounds personal. Is there no other way to refer to him as you close this piece out?
    10. If he's sipping from the cauldron, then he should be scooping his hands into it - not "dipping."
    11. It should be "overcame."
    3/10
     
  6. jayjay³² Drug Addict

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    Nigeria

    Lucaniel - Review: Good intro, terrible bridge, but a solid ending. I'm not gonna nitpick on the mechanical errors I spotted, since there were so few of them.
    1-3. I actually have no idea what's going on in this entire paragraph. I'm not sure why you didn't re-write this shit - it just doesn't make sense. It has such an abysmal structure. It has no relation to the previous paragraph. I mean, whatever you were trying to say here was too complex for such a simple story and plot. Beginning at precisely the first word, I'm lost. Nearly every sentence in this paragraph is ridiculously confusing, unnecessary, or just awkward. Nothing in this paragraph adds anything to your story - you could just omit it and move on. The execution just wasn't here, I guess. This paragraph is so weirdly out of place that I'm taking points off for it simply existing and causing confusion for readers.
    4. Does the lieutenant not know where he's going or what he's doing? Why is he handing back the papers? Is this supposed to be an injection of humor? I guess I just don't really understand the interaction about the medical papers, because it's not really adding anything to your story.
    5. I like how simple you kept the ending. ​
    4/10
     
  7. jayjay³² Drug Addict

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    Nigeria

    Avalon - Review: I mean, wow. You plagiarized a successful story by adapting it into unsuccessful English. Content piracy aside, there are numerous mechanical issues and orthographic mistakes. I began to seriously mark this up, then I realized you have no intention of improving. You added some parody dialogue to make your version of this story funny, but, honestly, the only thing funny was the fact that you actually wrote "tiredpepe" in your piece.

    If this entry isn't disqualified for plagiarism, then 1/10, I guess.
     
  8. shit shit is the ne plus ultra

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    @Lucaniel I like the heart and emotion in this piece, and I think it hits a lot of feelings that go a bit deeper than your usual entries. The interaction between the man and the soldiers is simple, but I like that you highlighted the preciousness of the mundane in such a situation. The description of the woman turned tree was very intricate, and I was thinking you were going a bit overboard, but by the end I went back and reread that description because there was another layer to it. Great all around.

    @Avalon So yeah, this isn't a fanfiction contest. I mean people have done fiction about NF members and entered it as a serious story, so I guess that's no different than this, but still don't do this for an entry. Beyond that, this is just retelling what happened in Naruto, not really even putting your own spin on things at all. You may be confused about what this contest is, and if so no big deal. Gotta give this a terrible score though.

    @afgpride This reminds me of Grave of the Fireflies a lot. It would be sweet except it's tragically stupid for them to avoid adults at all cost. It still manages to be sweet toward the end, but the depressing undertones sours it for me. It'd be nice if the story was pointed in either an optimistic or pessimistic direction instead of being balanced boringly between the two. I like the child's eye view you use in the latter half of the story; you always pull that sort of thing off perfectly.

    luc 9
    afg 5
    avalon 1
     
  9. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    shit:

    The prose here was difficult to read. You alternated nouns way too frequently when referring to the characters which distracted from the piece. A man, a murderer, the assailant, another man, the dying man, the victim, the bottom one, the dead man, another man killed that afternoon, etc. I get that since it's passive wording and you need to be specific but it just didn't read very well. Some other minor nitpicks beside other prose issues (ie; filthy, insane murderer - this is way too self evident to be asserted with a narrative voice) are the "filled to the brim" description was used twice despite adding liquid to something already filled to the brim (the cauldron) which was a little technically odd, and the fact that something glowing dimly is more visible in the dark, not less which is the assumption one of your descriptions ran under. I liked the voyage to his hideout and the mad witch/wizard type vibe you had going on here, but since you weren't specific with what the potion did (it's implied it would make him transform by the theme alone, but that's only if you know this piece is meant for a theme on transformation) and the archetype is overdone as it is the fact that it's generalized makes it come off uninspired.

    4/10


    luc:

    This was very creative. At first I thought it was some hippie-tier "one with mother nature" euthanasia overseen by the government (where being 'absorbed' just meant being composted into the soil the tree grows from), but it was obviously more fantasy-driven with the heavily guarded "zones" implying potential dangers and the "warping" terminology etc. The concept you dreamed up was good but your prose fell into the overly verbose category for me this time around. It's probably a result of trying to put into text more descriptive ideas without watering it down but the sense of flow and and elegance definitely wasn't there. Probably a time issue tho if you left it last minute like I did. Overall I thought it was the best take on the team but the prose wasn't remotely as clean as it could've been.

    6/10


    ava:

    Flashfics on nf members or fanfiction of existing work are big no-nos for me for several reasons. One of them is that I just can't take them seriously as a piece, since it doesn't feel like a genuine attempt at telling a story. My biggest pet peeve with fanfiction is that all of the energy spent on doing a spin off of someone else's work can be spent on creating your own characters, giving it your own direction and your own theme. One thing you did well I suppose was give it an honest voice, not trying to overly adorn the text with words or rhetorical devices which could've made it worse. Aside from that, this really felt like a no-effort take on the theme. I'm not sure if it was out of boredom, a last minute completion of a chore, a joke, or for the points, but I significantly doubt this is the best you can do.

    1.5/10
     
  10. Lucaniel non serviam

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    @shit

    the prose doesn't flow well in this piece and there are several examples of awkward phrasing where something is being expressed in a way that just reads as off:

    etc.

    the concept is fine: it really lives or dies on the execution because it's not inherently compelling by itself but it's not super boring either, and more capable horror-style prose would rescue it. this is held back by how awkwardly it's written.

    3/10

    @Avalon

    i can't even call this fanfiction because it's largely just a plot synopsis of the first naruto arc. this makes the whole thing come off as insultingly low-effort and kinda baffling because aside from the intentionally laughable prose ("basically was like tiredpepe") there is also no attempt to actually imagine anything here. i'm kinda baffled by this piece tbh because i don't know if it's a joke or not

    1/10

    @afgpride

    is the transformation that she's older now? i guess that works, but it's not really central to the piece, imo. this is quite bare-bones, with places where each line of dialogue is followed by another line w/o intervening narrative elaboration, and when you're 94 short of the limit that suggests it was rushed rather than intentional to me given how much more could have been written here to flesh out deion or explain why their mother is dead, where they are, etc. the prose is okay, but it's just not interesting because nothing's fleshed out

    4/10
     
  11. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    1. luc - 6.75
    2. afg - 5.33
    3. shit - 4.5
    ava - 1.13

    __

    Lucaniel - 6 pts
    shit - 4 pts
    Avalon - 2 pts


    @Lucaniel chooses the next theme
     
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