1. Welcome to the forums! Take a second to look at our Beginner's Guide. It contains the information necessary for you to have an easier experience here.

    Thanks and have fun. -NF staff
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Stop Scrolling!
    Attention - When discussing new chapters of an anime or manga, please use a source from the official list of approved sources. If you would like to contribute to the list, please do so in the suggestions section.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Come join the RP Section for the monthly world (universe?) creation contest. This month's theme is space opera.

    So charge the hyperdrive, power up the plasma cannons, and set sail for new worlds!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Check out the NF Awards! Nominate your favorite posters!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. The World Cup is about to begin, which means it’s time to start proudly repping your country. We’ve created a special new feature for you guys exclusively for this big event! Click here to learn more!!
    Dismiss Notice
  6. Check out the latest Newsletter!

    Click here
    Dismiss Notice
  7. The future of the Cafe Subsections is up to you. Vote here to make your voice heard!"

    Click here
    Dismiss Notice

Flashfiction #32 Rating Thread

Discussion in 'Reader's Corner' started by afgpride, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

    Messages:
    13,093
    Likes Received:
    2,611
    Trophy Points:
    1,743
    Critiques for #32: Islands


    Entrants:
    Fedster
    Island
    shit

    -Reviews must be at least 50 words per entry and accompany a rating to qualify for reward points.
    -Entrants who do not give full reviews will be disqualified from reward points.
    -Non-entrants/lurkers who participate in the rating process will be awarded 1 point for their feedback (updated in the Prize Nook).


    Deadline is Tuesday.
     
    Tags:
  2. Fedster The 2018 version of amputating your own leg

    Messages:
    390
    Likes Received:
    35
    Trophy Points:
    278
    Reputation:
    @Island
    I do like that you set your story in a time where humanity just discovered FTL travel. Though, I would've liked it if you had listed a series of events that made the trip worth it (meteors wrecking the ship, maybe troubles having their first extraterrestrial communication, etc), because this:

    Doesn't do justice to me. It was a good read, though, and an improvement from last time.

    Score: 5/10

    @shit
    I appreciate that you went for a more literal island than a metaphorical one. However, I had to read your story several times to understand what the message was and yet, I had some doubts left. Is it about curiosity being a dangerous thing? What does the firefly represent? I think your story would have benefited from being a tad more explicit. Overall, it had a nice tone to it and good pacing.

    Score: 5/10
     
  3. Island In the Sun

    Messages:
    7,298
    Likes Received:
    341
    Trophy Points:
    463
    Reputation:
    @Fedster

    This piece's connection to the theme was tenuous. I don't have much room to talk, of course, but I feel like yours was an even bigger stretch than mine. You're talking about islands in the respect that they're surrounded by something undesirable, but again, I feel like it's a stretch. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. I thought the piece was creative. I don't think I'd ever have thought to do something like this.

    It's adorable too, though I feel like I didn't "get" much out of it. It gave me some warm fuzzies, but I feel like you could have taken it a step further.

    5/10

    @shit

    You get points for being the only one to write about a literal island. The piece itself wasn't bad, but I feel like there were places where you could have benefited from showing instead of telling and vice versa. I feel like I would have been more invested in the story if there was a more vivid description of fog and the protagonist's fear. I also think this could benefit from a stream of conscious narrative: shorter sentences and thoughts jumping around, that kind of thing.

    It's not a bad piece, but it sorta feels like a first draft. I also don't know what I was supposed to get out it. It was a little too tell-y for a horror/thriller piece, IMO, so while I suspect that's what you were going for, I didn't really feel it.

    4/10
     
  4. shit shit is the ne plus ultra

    Messages:
    20,274
    Likes Received:
    606
    Trophy Points:
    818
    Reputation:
    @Fedster
    I like the moral and plot, and you do an alright job making the perspective interesting. I particularly liked the bit where he hears the giggle and then searches that bathroom arduously and then discovering what we already knew. I don't think it's right to characterize Todd as unable to be unsupervised when he's clearly the most obedient child; that description seems wrong in my opinion. Also the sentence including "towards the fire, which light caused the shadows to ebb and flow at the edge of the circle — much like waves on a shore" is kinda terrible grammatically, though I like the description.

    @Island
    I like that the main character has a definitive personality, and I like the sci-fi trappings of the story. I don't know if the facts of the story really jive together. If it only took around a year to send 20,000 colonists to this planet, then the Earth could do quite a bit more than shake its finger harder at a petulant interstellar governor. I do get that you're comparing interstellar colonization to colonial times, with colonists searching for a freer society in the new world. It's a very interesting idea for a story, though you could've focused more on the details of why they're similar times, for my taste. Even for focusing solely on the captain like you did, I would've preferred a more intuitive look that let us gleam in what way she was capable enough to lead 20,000 colonists in the most ambitious journey in all of history.

    fed - 5
    island - 6
     
  5. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

    Messages:
    13,093
    Likes Received:
    2,611
    Trophy Points:
    1,743
    @Fedster

    This was a pretty fun take on the theme, but it came off a little dry. It's not easy to fit all the events in 500 words, but on the occasion of invoking this type of plot/setting I would've liked you to use these events as vessels to build on the setting or the characters. That would've fleshed out the short narrative a little better and given it some flavor. Nonetheless, you wrote this with elegance, and it was a solid take on the theme.

    6/10


    @Island

    I love your interpretation of the theme here, and I must admit I'm a sucker for star-gazer stuff. You put a good amount of respect for this piece intellectually, though you conveniently (and understandably) left out the gritty sci fi logistics that allow your plot to exist under a believable reference frame. You included a little character development, politics, worldbuilding and so on in this short narrative which I appreciate, and your prose - while a tad shaky at parts - was on point and fun to read. If I were to nitpick I'd have revised some of the overly dramatic phrasing, maybe turning them into more hard hitting but less overt descriptions, but this is fairly trivial when it comes to something like space exploration so eh. Good job overall.

    7/10


    @shit

    You kept my intrigue during a fairly esoteric sequence of events, that are hard to describe effectively without too much exposition, which is a big plus. Your take was unique and engaging, and I trust you had a thought in mind about why this was all happening, though it's unclear to me as the reader. The prose was mostly acceptable, aside from some shaky word choices and repeat descriptors (ie; bitterly), and managed to convey your desired scene without getting purple or jarring. I would've liked for you to bridge the gap between your vision of this short narrative and how a reader can come to understand it with the little information available. You don't have to give it away, but at least a minor hint of what's going on would've helped appreciate the dream-like (bingo?) events happening to the main character.

    6/10
     
  6. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

    Messages:
    13,093
    Likes Received:
    2,611
    Trophy Points:
    1,743
    1. Island - 6
    2. Fedster - 5.33
    3. shit - 5

    Points will be updated in the Prize Nook shortly. Awaiting the next theme from @Island .
     
  7. Island In the Sun

    Messages:
    7,298
    Likes Received:
    341
    Trophy Points:
    463
    Reputation:
    Let’s do wanderlust as the next theme.
     

Share This Page

Loading...