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Flashfiction #33 Rating Thread

Discussion in 'Reader's Corner' started by afgpride, May 13, 2018.

  1. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    Critiques for #33: Wanderlust


    Entrants:
    Sequester
    afgpride

    -Reviews must be at least 50 words per entry and accompany a rating to qualify for reward points.
    -Entrants who do not give full reviews will be disqualified from reward points.
    -Non-entrants/lurkers who participate in the rating process will be awarded 1 point for their feedback (updated in the Prize Nook).


    Deadline is Tuesday.
     
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  2. Sequester Lacking in Luster

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    @afgpride

    You seem to have gained a solid grasp on conveying the story you want to tell within the confines of 500 words; which isn't as easy as I initially thought it'd be. I have come across you mentioning you primarily expose yourself to non-fiction, it shows, perhaps more acutely to someone like myself who is the opposite. You have simulated this adventure of John's rather well, I found myself recalling some marginally similar experiences of mine while reading.

    I understand what you meant here, and how this sort of thing happens.

    I will admit that I wasn't quite sure what you meant here at first, with my fantastical tastes I immediately assumed John was a traveler from space who was mentally chastising himself over landing his spaceship on top of someone who was under his tutelage. That is, until I finished the thought. I reread the part and understood he was talking to the sun. Not really a fault of yours, more of a statement on my reading comprehension skills. I actually quite like this part and think it was well done. Honestly, the more I read your entry the more it has won me over, I have a very childish mind that has been spoiled by fantasy and the like. It is difficult for me to focus without some unrealistic hook, but with my attention tethered by the need for an analysis, I can appreciate your wordplay.


    Again, the last sentence took multiple viewings to fully appreciate. At first I felt a more impactful ending would have been for him to wake up to his ring missing, leaving the suggestion that the locals who gave the directions did so with the intent to lead him into a trap. I was wondering why you decided to end things off with mentioning his ring at all, but after I read the entire thing over I saw it was a callback to how John manages the loss of his wife, Linda. Good way to bring her back into the mind of the reader without being ham-handed.

    As much as I would like to be more critical (as I feel that is more useful to someone's growth) I really enjoyed what you managed to do with this story in so little words. Hopefully someone with greater insight than I can help you further.

    Perhaps it is because all my attempts at being critical were thwarted, but I can't bring myself to go lower than a 7/10. But I will personally rate it as a 8/10 because I was able to find flaws within myself while trying to pick out yours.
     
  3. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    @Sequester

    I thought this was a strong opening, nice use of literary tools here to set the mood.

    A bit offbeat of a sentence to read, the idea is there, just the wording/puctuation could use fleshing out.

    This was a really effective piece of dialogue to me. It's deliberately awkward/cliche, but it doesn't overswing, and that subtlety really helps the scene.

    The latter half of this sentence is slightly redundant. Just by using the word "bitch" it's implied that her tone is spiteful, and brevity/elegance tends to make better prose. I tend to struggle with this often. It's a minor nitpick, but these are usually what help people grow as a writer. Perhaps be more conscious of what information you're giving just through the dialogue alone prior to the descriptions, since the latter should supplement rather than reiterate it.

    There's a lot of good stuff going on here. The way you wove together the confusion of the main character after their blunder, and then had it end up with a kiss is a believable response in that context, and works really well.

    The narration going on here would potentially be over-descriptive in other stories, but it serves an obvious purpose here, and the last line brings it all together.


    This final part feels a bit cliche. Like a soliloquy in a play or soap opera. Maybe this is a consequence of not really knowing who the main character is, where they came from and what motives drive them, since they're not a human. Are they an alien? Are they a spirit? Why did they give anything up, and why were they interested in humans? Without this information this part comes bland and doesn't complete the piece as well as it should.


    All in all, this was a creative take at the theme. I was impressed by the way you wove together literary themes, and your dialogue was and exposition was effective. Character development, world building, plot progression were all included, which is hard to do in 500 words. Good stuff. We didn't get a lot of participation this time around, but as a writer I think you'll find good utility sticking around. 500 Words every 2 weeks or so isn't much of a commitment, and getting consistent practice writing a brand new narrative and getting feedback on it is a useful resource. Looking forward to your next entry.

    7/10
     
  4. shit shit is the ne plus ultra

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    @Sequester Overall I like the story a good bit, but I have to say this first: your first paragraph doesn't fit with the rest of the story in my opinion. It tells of a storm coming, but the warning and also the tone it establishes is quickly discarded and makes it look completely out of place. There's no storm coming at all, and it seems like you made that bit before you figured out what the story would actually be about. Beyond that it's a very good piece, and I think you pull off the POV well. The drama you set up is more than juicy enough to fill the word limit, and you don't overextend yourself too much that you leave anything dangling. I like the way you leave it, with the right questions that make me want to know about the situation rather than just what's next. I like the horror element to the story idea as that appeals to my personal taste.

    @afgpride This is a great piece. I see you waited all these weeks until you really had something to write, which is totally not fair of you. I like that you did a simple piece that felt rich, with great character moments that felt like something worth saying rather than flowery language that could've been left unsaid. This also seemed to get better and better, which I think was due to the character getting richer and richer. If I had to criticize, I would've liked you to have come up with a realer name than "John" for a character like this. Beyond that I got nothing, and I'll close by saying that the call back in the ending left me with a smile on my face.

    seq 7.5
    afg 9
     
  5. afgpride Moderator Moderator potato chip eater

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    1. afgpride - 8.5
    2. Sequester - 7.25

    As usual, mod is exempt from points. Congrats to @Sequester . You get to choose the next theme. Either let us know here or in the FF discussion thread and tag me so I can start the thread.

    Special thanks to @shit for his guest critiques.

    Points are updated in the .
     
  6. Sequester Lacking in Luster

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