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-Make Out Paradise-please! read

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by sakura san, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. sakura san Member

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    Ino was sitting in her home wondering what could do that would be exciting and fun"ugh missions are boring its to cold for the beach training just plain sucks ugh!....i know i'll invite a few friends to the bath house", and on that note,Ino called everybody she knew to come,even if they were friends or enemies,Ino quickly got her things and ran as fast as she could to the bath house,"oh boy!i get to show sasuke how i changed so much *//*",she said thinking about sasuke kissing her chick,when she got there she saw sasuke naruto gaara Yemari Tenten Hinata,she stopped as if she was puzzled,"wheres Sakura?is she running late?!"Ino said panicking,"i dont care just tell the people to let her in",Sasuke said in a cool tone which made ino forget about Sakura,when they got to the bath Ino declared that,"the girls get in first then the boys",but nobody listened they all just jumped in at the same time Ino sighed and got in then Gaara asked,"Why dosent this bath house have a men and an women side?",Gaara was about to continue speaking but he heard the door open,Everybody turned there attention to the door to see,"hi guys sorry im late i got my hair caught in every door i passed ^_^",Sakura said as she rubbed her hair that was against her chest then she said,"i'll just remove my robe and get in",Sakura started to untie the robe,then she slowly started taking it off,but before she could finish the slammed open to reveal....to be continued
     
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  2. sakura san Member

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    [YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE] heh heh i dont get it =B
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2007
  3. Eureka Redeem the law of the game...

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    No offence, but this really, really sucks!

    Wanna know your first problem? It's all one frikkin sentence! Heard of PERIODS before?

    Second problem: It's all in one incomprehensible block of text. Please at least make linebreaks, or indented paragraphs, but oh wait a minute, you don't have any paragraphs since its ALL ONE SENTENCE! And please, do NOT get me started on your grammer.

    If you are serious about making a good fic (Which I doubt) there are several things you need to do!
    A: learn how to do commas, and periods.
    B: Think of an actual story!
    C: Get everything spellchecked.
    D: Do NOT add emoticons in the text!
    E: Learn word combinations that make sense. This story made no sense at all, I have no idea what happened.
    F: you have no characterization, making everyone totally OOC. (OutOfCharacter)
    G: I, as in I love you, is allways spelled with a capital I. not i!
    H: Add descriptions, and things that help the reader visualise the situation.
    I: Learn how to do dialogue. Dialogue should allways be on a new paragraph, and between the paragraphs there should be a line of space, to make it easier to read.

    So basically, if you are not serious about improving, or writing this: Please DO NOT continue. There would be no point.

    Oh, and whats the point of bumping your own thread the same day you posted it with pointless spam?
     
  4. HudanTatshi The Grass Dragon

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    yea better to use Word or something to write if your lazy to make capital I's and when more people are talking make their text have their own paragraph. Also always decribe the emotion never ever ever ever ever make little emotion pictures in the text!

    EDIT: check out fanfiction.com for good examples...or the story in my sig which is mine...
     
  5. molten Unranked and dangerous;Shoichi

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    Paragraphing helps. Read through it for spelling and other mistakes. Start with that first.
     
  6. Dogma word....?

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    If anything, I got the uh... "story."

    Ino called some friends, to a bathouse.

    For some reason, she invited enemies too. (Which is a great idea, I mean sure we might kill eachother tomorrow, but would like you to scrub my back? :sarc)

    She wanted to show them how she changed.

    ...Some drabble about Sasuke.

    Co-ed Bathing.

    ...Some drabble about Gaara. (Wait... Why was Gaara or Temari there in the first place?)

    ....Some drabble in general.

    Robe.... To be continued.

    You should take a glance or two at the writing tips as well as a few of the othe stories. I'm sure if you give it alittle more time, and a good rehaul, it will turn out well.
     
  7. molten Unranked and dangerous;Shoichi

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    I hope we didn't scare her away. =S
     
  8. sakura san Member

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    *sniff* well i made this out of boredum and yes i know it sucks like a vacuum *crying*
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2007
  9. molten Unranked and dangerous;Shoichi

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    Read the writing tips, its a sticky. Or just follow our advice. Paragraphing is the real issue here.
     
  10. sakura san Member

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    ok,but really im not gonna continue this one just gonna write my other one
     
  11. Vance Banned

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    Wow... little girl, go back to sucking lolipops (I mean loli, meaning little kids) and staying away from normal people like us, please.
     
  12. sakura san Member

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  13. Vance Banned

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    lol, you negged me, wow. *negs*
     
  14. Sho Minamimoto The world is garbage!

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    Take my advice and never neg V-man. His rep powa will break you apart.
     
  15. Vance Banned

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    Neg him Asylum, he negged me with no name, he shall pay.
     
  16. Sho Minamimoto The world is garbage!

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    I prefer to stay on my own side. I hate being mean and I hate being nice too.
     
  17. Vance Banned

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    K, the story sucks, though
     
  18. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    hakanamis every day posts is longer than this.
     
  19. Raizen .

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    Lol Weezy. What the hell is this shit? It's far worse than trash.
     
  20. Revan Lets Get Ready to Suck It!!!

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    Damn this is...NOT pure win,its kinda weird, use things like this: Example.

    He walked in without trouble

    On the other side of the door was his enemy,both didnt know who was aproaching

    Understand now?
     
  21. Vance Banned

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    lol, Revan. I destroyed Horoko-Suto, literally. I killed the forum and everything, lol.
     
  22. Revan Lets Get Ready to Suck It!!!

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    Daimn...ye good Vance i have to admit it
     
  23. Vance Banned

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    lol, I am now creating a new group.


    We travel the universe, and recruit members, lol.
     
  24. Revan Lets Get Ready to Suck It!!!

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    >.< Then you did not know the Golden Dragons on World Of Warcraft yet...damn my guild is the best :p
     
  25. Vance Banned

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  26. Revan Lets Get Ready to Suck It!!!

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    nevermind...i'm just abit busy with world of warcraft lately,wont be much online here and need to do school stuff
     
  27. Sho Minamimoto The world is garbage!

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    actually, we just made a new forum
     
  28. Vance Banned

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    What forum host?
     
  29. Sho Minamimoto The world is garbage!

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  30. Vance Banned

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    it's a forum host dude, lol.
     
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