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My first fanfic *some spoilers*

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Poof, Oct 9, 2006.

  1. Poof it's like magic

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    I haven't been on the forums for a while. Now I'm back with a fanfic I made today. It's about Hinata. There's some spoilers too. I wouldn't mind some criticism but try not to make it too harsh. I might make another one if I feel like it.

    Thoughts To Myself

    I woke up early this morning to catch the sunrise.

    I've been doing it more often since Naruto came back. I would always catch him outside training for his new jutsu. I have no idea what it is or what it does. I would try to figure it out from watching him everyday. So far, I still haven't gotten any clues.

    Naruto has been hanging out a lot with his new team. Kakashi and Sasuke are not there anymore. They have been replaced with Captain Yamato and that artsy cross-dressing guy. I think his name is Sai. I'm not sure. Sakura is still there. She has gotten more prettier in the past 2 years. She finally took some fashion advice from Ino.

    I have also changed my look. Ever since my body has been growing more mature, I decided to cover up more. I was never used to boys staring at me, especially my own teammates. Sometimes older men stare at me which makes me even more nervous. I changed my hair too. I think it looks lovely.

    Naruto doesn't pay attention to Sakura much, even with her new look. He doesn't care about my new look either. Not even my lovely hair. His mind is always on Sasuke or on his new jutsu. Speaking of Sasuke, I heard about his sexy new look Oro gave him. Perhaps Naruto is thinking about that?

    Well, it's time to go to training. I wouldn't want to be late again. I'll be back tomorrow.
     
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  2. Ramensensei Cookie-chi ~

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    If its supposed to be like a diary entry, then you've got the layout pretty good, and I can't see many errors in your spelling and whatnot.

    But I think you should try and use a variation of sentence lengths, they all seem really short. And while that's good once in a while to grip the reader...I think you've over-used them in this; so instead of looking short and snappy they make it look like a lack of detail...which there is.

    I also think, consdiering its Hinata...it's fairly OOC, I don't think she'd use the term 'sexy', nor say her hair was 'lovely' what with her low self-esteem. And I doubt she'd make that fashion advice statement either...

    And just 'prettier' is better than saying 'more prettier'. Anyways, I'm not trying to be harsh or saying it's bad, but I just thought I'd give ya some pointers. ^_^
     
  3. chishio-kun likes strawberries.

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    good one, keep it up! and upper if you could :amuse
     
  4. InoSakuShine Sakura's Inner

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    NOt bad, It as pretty good, but my pet peeve, it was kind of OOC, unless Hinata takes on some kind of new attitude after the time skip. (Ireally wouldn't know. The spoilers in your fic make me edgy but I'll still read it)
     
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