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My original fiction

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Magi of all, Jun 3, 2007.

  1. Magi of all Member

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    This is a short story I wrote for a contest. That actual contest version is shorter due to word limit, but there basically the same story

    Forever Dark
    The darkness of the forest was overpowering, enveloping, suffocating. The normal glow of the moon weaved between the trees, casting eerie shadows of dark magic and darker men. Glowing eyes peered from the undergrowth, promising pain and death to those who intruded into their sanctuary. The darkness hid all from the prying eyes. Only the strong survived in the darkness. The weak ones lived in the day, protected by their precious sun. It was only at night that the powerful emerged. Only they knew of strength, wit, cunning, and danger, only they new of truth and fairness. They judged with their own minds, believing in only what they could conclude. The witless beings of day depended on others, looked to leaders, to their light, for guidance. They knew nothing of the dark, and the freedom it brought. Instead they lived in invisible shackles of light, bound to the whim of the daylight ones, slaving in freedom. He chuckled at the thoughts he once had, when he too was bound in the light.

    The sun peaked in the sky, its glorious blaze beating down on the people. They went about their business as usual, carefully minding the time, ears alert for the sound. At thirty minuets to noon the bell sounded its note pure, clear, and perfect. The last of the shops closed their doors and dimmed their lights. It was the last call. Soon, the midday, holiest of times when the sun was at its apex, would be here. The people filed into the temple, their heads bowed in reverence. The walls of the temple, coated in gold and covered with depiction of righteous sun god destroying the foul demons, glowed with a blinding brightness. None dared look at the sacred carvings for fear of the sun gods wrath. None but Elior Dougal.

    A stout muscular boy of sixteen, Elior looked the part of blacksmiths apprentice. His hands were large, his arms larger. He had a hardened look on his face and a thin bit of stubble on his chin. Only his eyes displayed the youthful boy within. He worked hard to keep his mind sharp and his tongue quick. A joke or quip was never far from his reach and many a villager had fallen victim to his pranks jibs. The adults found his exploits shameful. They believed he should spend his spare time in prayed and meditation. The children were a different story. They found his exploits amusing. The children were his best friends. If there was one thing he adored most in this world, it was children. It was to them he was the most open, only they truly heard him laugh. Whenever he went out, children swarmed around him, their small eyes begging for tiny sweets or amusing tales. They were his captive audience, always hanging on his word and ready to follow him in adventures.

    ?Boy, quit yer gawking and bow yer head in respect. This be the house a god.? The rough command startled Elior out of his daze. He quickly did as his master told. Garrick Tenzen was a well respected and he did not want to blemish his master?s name. He was lucky Garrick had taken him in. Many in the village found him insufferable and would have beaten him several times over for insolence. Elior had felt the sting of Garrick?s hands several times, but never for something as wide spread as insolence. Garrick preferred to punish with shame. Elior would rather feel the stinging lash of a whip than know that he earned Garrick?s shame. He taught harshly, with compliments few and far between. His honest made him seem harsh, but beneath his gruffness lay the heart of great man. Plus he had a sense of humor if you looked hard enough and struck the right places.

    ?Yes sir, sorry sir? Elior replied to the command, his head now bowed low. He still snuck glimpses of the carvings when he thought Garrick was distracted. Not that Garrick wouldn?t notice, the blacksmith was far more observant than most people gave him credit for. It became a game after a fashion, Elior would look at the carvings and Garrick would try to catch him. Elior looked forward again just in time to stop before hitting the person in front of him. He looked towards the podium in anticipation. The sooner this commenced the sooner it would be over with. The elderly priest hobbled toward the alter, a look of reserve on his face. Bony hands stretched out from under the loose flowing robe that covered an equally bony body. The wrinkled skin on his face looked like leather and showed stress of several years in power. Elior could tell by the old mans demeanor that this would be a long ceremony
    ?People of Kohinoor, I come before you with much sadness in my heart. For even though the suns holy light shines down upon us this noonday, we must mourn. One of our own has fallen from the light. She has consorted with dark magic to bring misfortune and pain on others. She has refused to give up herself for the sake of others. She is guilty of the highest crimes and must be punished. I present to you now the absolute proof that evil roams our land. Infallible proof that children must be taught reverence from an early age. Guards, bring forth the sinner.? From the curtain behind the priest a small girl was brought forth. The clothes were dirty and torn, with signs of a struggle. Her hair was tangled and matted, dried blood clear as day in contrast to the blond curly locks. Elior?s breath caught in his throat. It was Idril, one of the girls he frequently gave sweets to. Their must have been some mistake. He had been with her the day before, telling stories of great adventure. Tears filled his eyes as he thought of her smile, alive with delight as he told tales of halflings and elves. Garrick?s hand on his shoulder was the only thing that kept him from running forward. He waited, anxious but ready to listen. Perhaps this day, justice would be done.

    ?Just yesterday, this girl was heard wishing pain and death on the Abram?s, respectable farmers.? The priest paused, letting the shock of the claim sink in. To wish death on another was evil of the highest order. ?She was not seen for the rest of the day. The Abram?s, thinking they had nothing to fear from a little girl, decided to forget the whole incident. Then, that night, while returning from the privy, master Abram fell and broke his right leg. No stump, root or rock was seen in the way. This girl?s dark magic must have caused it. The Abrams will not yield such a good crop this year with the master?s leg broken. They must hire on help that will take their money. Their children may starve in the winter. This girl has brought death on another family. For this crime, the only punishment is for her to pay with her own death.?

    The people cheered the priest?s words. Elior trembled under his master grip. Fists clenched in fury of the accusations. Was there to be no trial, no defense of Idril, no help for the girl? How could the sun gods allow this? It was just not right. Without warning, he wrenched himself from Garrick?s hand and made a break for the alter. Years of hammering metal gave him the strength to push aside the adults. Shouts of indignation followed him to the podium on which the alter resided. He stopped in front of steps, looking up at Idril. His eyes locked with hers. With all his might tried to comfort her. He could see what she really was. Not a dark witch, but a scared little girl only seeking comfort. He looked at the priest, venom in his eyes.

    ?She has done nothing wrong, she was with me all afternoon. I went to market with her to buy her some sweets. She said nothing about the Abrams at all.?

    The priest looked down at Elior, contempt written on his face. ?Why should we believe the words of an undisciplined trickster boy with no respect for authority. I bet you assisted her in summoning the demon that broke Master Abram?s leg. Master Abram was often a victim of your foul jokes. Last month he took a whip to you in public and you swore revenge. This is it, revenge on him and all his children?

    ?We did no such thing! After the market she returned to the shop to watch me work.?

    ?Work your evil magic. If you have begun to work such blasphemies then shall I assume the Master Garrick has done so as well? It would not surprise me if you could turn even such a devout man to the side of darkness.?

    ?STOP TWISTING MY WORDS YOU OLD BASTARD!? A collective gasp resounded from the crowd at his words. The priest looked down with malice. That outburst had sealed his fate.
    ?Enough of this savagery. We shall test you with the holy light. Guards, bring them to the alter.? Elior did not resist the guard?s hold. It was pointless, unless he had a weapon he would not be able to overpower them. He may be the strongest youth in the village, but the guard had no equal. He became dead weight in their hands as he was dragged up the stairs. The priest began to recite the terms of their trial ?If a cloud does not move over the sun in five minuets, then you will both be pronounced guilty.
     
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  2. Magi of all Member

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    Continuation of story

    Elior did not bother to hope. There was not a cloud in the sky that day. There never was. He instead focused his mind on find a way to prove that Garrick was innocent. As he thought he reached over to comfort the girl next to him. She winced at his touch. He could see bruises on her skin. He hugged her gently as she cried into his shirt. He whispered sweet nothings into her ear, trying to comfort her. They both knew death was coming, it always did. Briefly he saw her parents in the crowed, their faces stone cold, disdain evident. He found Garrick soon after, the old mans face a rehearsed stone. If he showed any emotion he would be pronounced guilty as well. Sorrow played across the old mans face never the less. There was nothing he could do.

    ?Your time has ended boy. You and the girl are clearly guilty. Death is to good for you heathen.? The priest grin was evil incarnate. ?Now, on to the subject of Garrick?

    Elior?s quick tongue reacted just in time. It wasn?t the best plan, but it was the best he had. ?Garrick, you fool. I lead you on this whole time. You had no idea I was using you and your shop as a base to summon demons. Looks like I get the last laugh.? He threw back his head and cackled relentlessly. The priest turned to him, a look of murder twisting his face into a grotesque image.

    ?Guards, kill the girl, I must exorcise the demon in this boy.? Elior could only look on in horror as, right before his eyes, a little girl, innocent of all crimes, was sliced in half. The crimson life splashed on the alter, running rivulets along the ground. Some got on him, but he was too shocked to wipe it off. It was not the brutality that shocked him, he was use to it. It was the cheers of the people. Cheers of joy at the destruction of innocence. Cheers of happiness. Cheers that included her own parent?s voice. In his shock, he registered the priest leaning close, whispering in his ear.

    ?Just between us, the girl was delicious. Her screams were so high and shrill, they pleased my ears so. If only you could have been there.?

    Elior could take it no longer. Red filled his sight and instinct took over. Instinct that included punching the priest jaws clean off. Blood sprayed around him panic and chaos overtook the crowd. He looked at the guards. Their faces were frozen in horror. They didn?t know what to do. He did. Reacting quickly he dove for the guards sword. Pulling it free of its scabbard he whirled to face the other guard. With wild abandon he lunged, slicing someone open at the stomach. He whirled again, this time finding himself sounded. Thinking only of escape he dove off the alter. He searched the surroundings, he scanned for the way out. The window, the opening to freedom he dove through it, the shattering glass reminiscent of his faith. As he fell from the building, his body rolling limply, a cloud passed in front of the sun. That was the day he descended into darkness. To think, all that time spent in their world. All he had to do to be free was open his eyes. Now that he had, the darkness was there, forever.

    END

    So, tell me what you think. Give me tips, criticism, flames, or pointers. Anything that can help my writing would be greatly appreceated
     
  3. Sasori-puppet#111 the best story ever. My story

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    exelent... did you win the contest... and if not what place did you come
     
  4. Germscout Teh Noob Pwner

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    soo cool thumbs up
     
  5. Neko Beautiful

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    That was Really Good smile-big
     
  6. Magi of all Member

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    Never got entered. My creative writing teacher said it was to dark and morbid. She didn't think the judges would like it. Which, for her, was a nice way of saying she didn't like it.
     
  7. Sasori-puppet#111 the best story ever. My story

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    lol my story's kidda dark too... it's about 2 or 3 threads down from this... mines longer but i'm not intending it to be a full length story not short...
     
  8. byakugan_warrior Protector of the Main Branch

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  9. Kuchiki Rukia No ♪MUSIC♪ No LIFE

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    yeah it soo good! i love it! nice job
     
  10. Thelast1 Xeno

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    Nice job! I like it. You should realy think on making this a long short.
     
  11. chidori282 New Member

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    nice job really good story
     
  12. Hemino Hyuuga .Symmetry is Key.

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  13. uncanny_sama Que Veux-tu

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  14. Passport New Member

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    Nice job with that.
     
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