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Naruto:A Love Of A Ninja

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by o_O_Naruto_O_o, Oct 4, 2006.

  1. o_O_Naruto_O_o

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    Konichiwa!Naruto here,just a little info on my fanfictions...they are good,but sometimes I like to write yaoi...mostly SasuXNaru so dont hate me for that...but this isnt a SasuXNaru story it's well...a made up character that's based on me story XD,soo hope I get some opinions =3 oo and hope you like it too!Enjoy!

    "AHHH!"yelled a women in pain.
    "Come push honey!Push!"yelled a man,holding his wifes hand,that was giving birth.
    Across the this one little village,the same thing was happening.Droplets of rain began pouring from the late morning night.At the same exact time...2:45 a.m. two babies were born.
    "Congratulations!It's a boy!"
    "Congratulations!It's a beautiful healthy baby girl!"
    And that night...two powerful fow demons...were sealed inside the newborns.A flash of thunder boomed,and yet,the two babies slept peacefully.Their names...Naruto and Joyce.Four years passed.A young boy was wide awake.He glared at the ground,as his raven black hair covered his cheeks.He slowly got up and walked quietly to the door.
    "Mitchel...?"asked a sleepy girl,opening one eye slowly.
    He blinked and turned to look at his sister.
    "Joyce...go back to sleep."he whispered,giving his sister a soft smile.
    Joyce now fully awake,sat up on her bed,gripping her stuffed panda.
    "Where are you going brother?"she asked.
    "I'm thirsty..."he responded,"just gonna get something to drink."
    She smiled,"Can I come?I don't like being alone."she said,hugging her stuffed panda tightly.
    Mitchel warmly smiled."Hmm...ok."he stucked his hand out.
    She grabbed it,and walked next to him.Both slowly crept downstairs.Crying was heard.The two kids looked at each other.They peeked and saw thier mother on the floor bleeding,their dad...holding a kunai.
    "B itch!"he yelled at her.
    Both of the young kids gripped each others hands tightly.
    "Please...stop..."she said,tears running down her soft golden-brown eyes.
    "No!"he yelled louder.
    The father slashed the woman with his kunai.She endured the pain.
    "Heh...that's right b itch!I've found another women!"he said chuckling,he wiped his cheek that had blood.
    "You worthless b itch."he spat at her.
    He walked out the house,slamming the door behind him.Joyce felt warm tears run down her eyes,touching her whiskered face,and falling like raindrops down to the floor.Their mother crying silently.Not knowing her young children were watching her.

    Four more years passed after that.Children glared at the two siblings.Well...at Joyce.Mitchel became popular,wanted.But yet he was silent and always in thought.Joyce not wanted.She was hated...detested by the villagers.She always was the class clown.All she wanted was...to be noticed.She had cuts and brusies by some villagers who threw rocks or glass at her.She had also gained a special chakara...knowned as...the Sharingan.Seven horrible years had passed.And this....is where the story begins.

    [yes it suxs I know,but I tried,so please comment and tell me how you liked it plz,and I'll keep writing more.Thankies!

    ~Naruto-kun]
     
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  2. chishio-kun

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    I will tell you my rating for it later, it might cause problems.

    Ok, I know you are tired, but just to be sure, I have "for starters" tips for you:

    1. Dont rush through it if you are tired, find some time when you are interested in writing and there you can write. Rushed fics are so much worse than leisurely-made ones

    2. Dont rush through the story in like that,it is really annoying if you skip through the details, or at least turn it into an prologue.

    3.Dont use american names on japanese fanfics. It sounds really weird, and I am sure that is the first thing our fellow readers have seen in your story.

    4. Divide paragraphs, it is easier for the reader to read.

    So if I was a writing doctor I prescribe you to do this in your leisure time, so you can think more clearly. Sorry if I busted your bubble, I hope you take my constructive criticism nicely :amuse

    P.S.: NICE sig, Oops, sorry to get off-topic
     
  3. NarutoFanGurl911

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    its a good drama but u must hav experienced some serious shit.it freaked me out a bit ...... my b-day oct 30 ill be 12 yay me!!
     
  4. InoSakuShine

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    Ytry skipping lines. It hurt my eyes to read. And...Joyce? Avoid American names. Otherwise, good idea.
     
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