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NF Fanfic Contest - Official Judging Thread

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Spectrum, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. Spectrum

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    This is the official judging thread for the Naruto Forums Fanfiction Contest. All entries for said contest will be posted here, and any and all discussion about the fanfics, the judging, or the contest itself goes here. This thread is solely for the judges to post their scores and reviews.

    Judges - Remember to use the following format when posting your scores:

    Title of fic:
    Style: (score from 1 to 10)
    Creativity: (score from 1 to 10)
    Characterization: (score from 1 to 10)
    Use of theme/prompt: (score from 1 to 10)
    Total score:


    Any comments/criticism can be posted either after each of the 10-point scores or at the end of the whole thing.

    Everyone else - Remember, you're not allowed to post here at all. :p Use the official discussion thread.

    Good luck to all the fics. :)
     
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  2. Spectrum

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    Thread unlocked so the judges can start doing their thing. Remember, if you are not a judge, you are not allowed to post in this thread. Stick to the official discussion thread for any and all comments you'd like to make.
     
  3. Spectrum

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    My scores for the first three:

    Title of fic: Ephemeral
    Style: 7
    For the most part this was solid, but there were a few errors here and there, and the tenses seemed to get confused in places.
    Creativity: 4
    I have to give this a relatively low score because I've read dozens of "Sasuke reflects on Team 7 after the Valley of the End" fics, and it's not really much of a leap to make with the prompt. Not that I didn't enjoy this; it just didn't break much new ground.
    Characterization: 9
    I'm picky about Sasuke characterizations. This hit him dead on. The conflict between needing to leave everything behind and at the same time regretting it so much was done beautifully. This could have been canon.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Again, it wasn't particularly creative, but even so, the entire fic reflected the theme in just about every aspect, so I have to give points for that.
    Total score: 29/40

    Title of fic: Capturing Emotions
    Style: 5
    This could have probably benefited from a few more read-throughs; there were a number of grammar errors (mostly pluralization), and a few awkward sentences that could probably have been worded better. There were also places where I wasn't sure whether it was Sakura or Sai speaking, and I had to go back and piece it together. There were some parts I really liked, though--my favorite line was Sakura wishing Sai took as much care in choosing words as he did when painting. That was a nice comparison. XD
    Creativity: 8
    SakuSais are fairly rare in my experience, so this gets some extra points for that alone. And, well, there's a freshness about this that's hard to describe--maybe because the dynamics of this pairing are so different from most of the others in the Naruto verse.
    Characterization: 7
    Sai's a very hard character for me to judge, because I'm not very good with his voice myself, but this sounded pretty good to me. Sakura as well--the way she tried to sneak peeks of what Sai was drawing, her surprise/delight when she saw it was her, her annoyance every time he calls her a hag--not much to complain about here.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    It's hard to go wrong with a "slice of life" prompt, but nonetheless, I thought this was a nice interpretation.
    Total score: 28/40

    Title of fic: Voice-an impression of a sign-

    Style: 7
    There are a few errors, and the beginning of the fic doesn't seem as strong as the latter part, but I like the way it flows, and how each section sort of mirrors the others but in different ways. The ending was great, too.
    Creativity: 7
    While I have to drop a few points just because it's another fic about the broken-but-not-quite Team 7, I like how the fic deals with Sasuke's birthday, and the "twist" at the end--that went a long way toward helping this not to feel like something I've already read.
    Characterization: 9
    While Naruto and Sasuke were also IC, Sakura's section outshone them both. Every line of that part felt absolutely like her--her hopes, her doubts, and the way she presses on because she wants to see her team united again. This captured her perfectly.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Team 7 is a natural theme to go with for the "bonds" prompt, and this pulled it off very well. The last line was also a good reminder, and a nice way to tie in the theme once more.
    Total score: 31/40
     
  4. Rhaella

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    Hmmm, I had to decide exactly how to handle the scoring, so I’ll share quickly so you know what I’m looking for:
    • I care about the general flow of the story much more than grammatical precision (though that’s usually necessary to get the flow down). So well used literary devices grab my attention more than perfect spelling.
    • You won’t get over a 7 in creativity if you don’t “wow” me. Layers of meaning, new interpretations, and other surprises are the way to do that.
    • I’ll get around to judging anything with Akatsuki more quickly, since I devour Akatsuki fics. XD



    Title: Ephemeral
    Style: 5/10
    This story could definitely flow a lot better than it does. The lack of commas is noticeable, especially in the first paragraph. At least once a semi-colon is misused. The random switching between tenses was also rather awkward; there’s a lot of shifting between the past and present, and at least once into the future without need.
    Creativity: 3/10
    I have to say that I don’t think there’s really much here that I haven’tseen before, even though I seldom read Sasuke. XD
    Characterization: 9/10
    I’m not really a specialist on Sasuke, but I think the conflict of that moment is captured well. The only thing I wouldn’t necessarily agree with is that he self-reflexive enough at the moment to be aware of his own fall to darkness, but I won’t take off for it.
    Use of Theme/Prompt: 8/10
    I liked how obvious it was that this story was about bonds and relationships without the author actually striving be make it obvious by inserting the word “bond” over and over again.

    Total Score: 25/40





    Title: Capturing Emotions
    Style: 7/10

    For the most part, I really like how this story flows. In parts it was mildly hypnotic, I thought. I’m partial towards present tense stories, though. There are a few places where a bit of awkwardness starts to ruin the effect, however. For example, switching to the past tense for “didn’t care” in this line:
    There’s also a bit of simple awkward sentence structure that's most apparent in quotes like that also. I think the author may be trying a bit too hard in places to achieve the desired result, and thus almost sabotaging it.

    Creativity: 7/10
    I’ve never read a Sai fanfic (though more artist ones than I can count >_>), so I don’t have much to compare it against. I don’t think there was much that was absolutely aweing about it (I kept on wanting some sort of deeper meaning to appear somewhere, but I don’t think it ever really happened), but all in all I liked the play of emotions during an artistic scene.

    Characterization: 7/10
    I don’t know Sai too well (and I don’t think Kishimoto does either, which makes this extremely hard), but I do have a bit of difficultly deciding whether this Sai takes place before or after meeting with Sasuke. Sakura seemed fine to me, though.

    Use of Theme/Prompt: 9/10
    Just very good. XD

    Total Score: 30/40






    Title: Voice-an impression of a sign-
    Style: 8/10

    The voice of the story really serves well in setting up a nice atmosphere and breaking up some of the angst you’d expect. There are some problems, like here:
    …where I think “they” is probably the wrong word. XD

    Creativity: 6/10
    I haven’t seen anything like that before (the focus around the birthday), and I thought it was nice. :3 Cute, but it didn’t leave me with anything I considered spectacular.
    Characterization: 7/10
    Sasuke seems fine, though I haven’t really noticed much insecurity in his character since Part II started. It’s still nice to think it might still be there. Sakura was more than a bit weaker than I’d have liked, since I think she was driven enough to gain power in her own right before the timeskip. Naruto seems fine.
    Use of Theme/Prompt: 6/10
    In part because of the last line, I got the feeling that the story was overly contrived just to fit the prompt.


    Total Score: 27/40





    Title: Kaleidoscope Eyes
    Style: 8/10

    There are some stylistic decisions here that I really like. The repetition of the phrase “I’m alive, and he isn’t,” for example, followed by “Sasuke was alive, and Itachi wasn’t.” It really portrays the shock of the moment and… Sasuke’s obsession, as well. There are a few word and grammatical choices that I would have done differently, but pretty good, all in all.
    Creativity: 8/10

    I hadn’t thought it that exceptional at first, but the achievement of the Mangekyou Sharingan at the very end did strike me as a very nice touch, and kind of made me think about the whole piece differently. XD When I reading back, I found this line striking:
    There are a lot of implications of loss that I at least see running through the whole piece that are also a nice touch.

    Characterization: 10/10
    You reminded me of why I once liked Sasuke. Enough said. Really, I agree with the interpretation fully.
    Use of Theme/Prompt: 7/10
    Well, I think the constant usage of the word “bond” made it a tiny bit forced. A bit more subtlety (and I definitely noted some subtler moments as well) all around would have been better. Other than that, though, very good.

    Final Score: 33/40
     
  5. Harlita

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    If I go into detail on each one, I'll be here all week :amuse therefore I will score on each and give feedback/praise/review where I think it might be helpful. Well for now - I'll have points awarded for each by the time the points are required to be in. Which should be once it's over. But for now, here's the ones that have WOW'd me.


    Title: Break the Limit
    Style: 10!
    Creativity: 10!
    Characterization:10!
    Use of theme/prompt: 10!
    Total score: 40!!!

    Judge's Notes: WOW. I really loved reading this. Great concept, for one. And well written! I have no constructive criticism to give other than, please link me to your fanfiction or adultfanfiction account! I'd love to read more of your work!


    Title:Dosu's Shattered Throne
    Style: 9!
    Creativity: 10!
    Characterization:10!
    Use of theme/prompt: 10!
    Total score: 39!!!


    Judge's Notes: I had never ever thought of that scenario. I had never considered Dosu's history or how he came to be with the Sound and with Orochimaru. This was such a fun read, that I would like to recommend you turn this into a full fledge story - going into more detail and really embellishing the readers with a new take on an old character. WELL DONE!

    The only constructive criticism I can give here is to break up the conversational parts from paragraph form into spoken sentences. It almost has a run-on sentence feeling the way it's put now. However, it doesn't detract from the story at all for me. So keep up the good work!



    Title: Third Time's the Charm
    Style: 10!
    Creativity: 10!
    Characterization:8!
    Use of theme/prompt: 10!
    Total score: 38!!!

    Judge's Notes: WELL DONE. I had a lot of fun reading this as well, and dammit I love the ending!! *squueee* . I'd love to see more of your work as well, if you have it. The only constructive criticism I have for then is that I wish it was longer. :nuts

    Title: Kaleidoscope Eyes
    Style: 8!
    Creativity: 9!
    Characterization:10!
    Use of theme/prompt: 10!
    Total score: 37!!!


    Judge's Notes: Extremely well written. You write in a style that is perfect for this sort of storyline. It delivers immediately to the reader - the situation and all applicable emotion of the character. There is a difference between fandom writers and fanfic writers- and I believe you clearly know the difference. The only constructive criticism I have for you is the topic. In other words, when I was judging on Creativity and Style - I was looking for innovation and imagination. The scenario you wrote about wasn't too unique, thus the scores 8 and 9 in those categories. However, you wrote them in such unique quality, that it definitely placed your story in my top 4. GREAT JOB!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2007
  6. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Caught red-handed
    Style: 4

    Spelling errors (or obvious grammatical errors) really detract one' pleasure gained from his/her reading experience. Be it many or even one, the error stands out to the mind. This story have two spelling errors: "them-selves" and "him-self". The correct spelling of the words are "themselves" and "himself". The story really takes a blow for such errors.
    The diction is quite basic, and the narrative very straight-forward. In fact, I find that the latter is too straight-forward, stifling interest instead of inspiring it. The first two sentences of the story is a clear indicator. I imagine that seasoned readers would not be interested or motivated to continue, even from such an early point in the story. In terms of detail and description, I find both to be quite lacking. Overall, I held little to almost no interest in reading.
    Creativity: 6
    Exploring the romantic bond (I presume that it is romantic, in accordance with your story) between Shikamaru and Temari: the two at Temari's place, with Kankuro having stumbled upon them in an inappropriate moment. The settle Kankuro, and, having ran out of time, appreciate with what has already accomplished.
    The idea is not common. However, I did not find anything fresh or original in the story. Points are awarded on account of the former.
    With regards to the sibling bond between Temari and Kankuro, the idea serves well for story substance. The brother stumbling upon his sister making out with her aforementioned boyfriend? Points for that, but not much. There's nothing else original or fresh about the story concerning the idea.
    Characterization: 5
    There's quite a bit I can get into here, but I'll keep it to a readable length. Some lines in the story are what I expected from the characters of Temari, Shikamaru, and Kankuro.
    Other lines, I can't envision them even thinking along those lines.
    Kankuro stumbling upon Temari and Shikamaru , I'd expect him to threaten Shikamaru and carry it out immediately while berating Temari. Loudly exclaiming, "OH MY GOD!" would be off-character.
    "Troublesome lady?" Shikamaru's last line is too romantic for the character.
    A blushing Temari? Twice is pushing it. She'd probably be more flustered.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Kept to the "Bonds" theme, and doubly so.
    Total score: 23/40

    --

    Title of fic: Kaleidoscope Eyes
    Style: 7
    There are a few awkward lines in my reading of the story, and the tense confusion didn't help. Diction is alright, but not as smooth as it could be.
    Creativity: 4
    Nothing new, really. Even with the achievement of the Mangekyo Sharingan at the end.
    Characterization: 9
    The only thing that I can think is missing from here is mention of Naruto in terms of the brotherly bonds. Although the story is about the bond between Sasuke and Itachi, I believe that Sasuke would have thought about his bond with Naruto, even if it was briefly. The bond between the two is something that Sasuke can't entirely dismiss.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    There's nothing really original, but you adhered to and explored the "Bonds" theme well.
    Total score: 29/40
     
  7. less

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    Spoiler: First two fics judged.

    Title: Ephemeral

    • Style
    Spelling’s all good, and so is the grammar, for the most part. The sentence “He'll be there to see if Naruto is still the same idiot who has surpassed it (although he would never admit it).” is terrible even before adding the potentially confusing parenthesis (who would never admit what?), but with it crosses the line to downright atrocious. It’s the only atrocity here though, so I’ll overlook it as a goof. The style as such is pretty sound, albeit with a few minor annoyances, such as overuse of line changes and unnecessary semicolons, as well as repetition of the phrase “and to” in the second sentence. I’d go after the adverbs (such as the blatantly unnecessary “longingly” in the ninth paragraph) but since this is the first fic I’m judging I’ll save my adverb rant for now, expecting way worse in the future. Also, the title is a cliché among clichés.
    5/10

    • Creativity
    Not very creative, is it? At all, I mean. In fact, I might go as far as to say that this isn’t so much story-writing as it is putting into words what is just inferred in the original story. Then again, that might be what fan fiction is supposed to be.
    2/10

    • Characterization (are the characters portrayed true to the series?)

    Sasuke is spot-on. Everything is right about his characterization. I was going to give an 8 here because I didn't think Itachi ever smiled, but then Vervex dug up a screen where he did, so ten it is.
    10/10

    • Use of theme/prompt


    Entirely satisfactory.
    6/10
    ----
    23/40 total

    --------------

    Title: Capturing Emotion

    • Style
    This one is in dire need of editing. There is some literary talent present (as demonstrated in the lovely use of the title), but it’s very unfocused, and ultimately, as a consequence, wasted. There is a shitload of stuff to comment on, but I’ll confine myself to this rock solid trio of ways to annoy the living hell out of me:

    Too many paragraphs. Please have enough faith in the reader not to think he’ll stop reading unless the paragraph is constantly about to end. A paragraph has a literary function as well as making a story easier on the eyes.

    Too many adverbs. Please have enough faith in the reader not to think they’re autistic and need to have every nuance of emotion explicitly stated (in its own paragraph, no less), lest they’ll miss some crucial part of the reading experience. Adverbs are crutches and should be used as such; only when you damn well have to. The reason for this is simply that the human mind is empathic by nature, so that a reader will conjure up nuances all of their own if you don’t mention something. By hammering on with adverbs one is actually taking away some part of the mental conjuration in reading, thus making the story read more awkwardly and less emotionally. I bet that wasn’t the intent of the author.

    Too much flowery language. Not always a bad thing, flowery language, but I have to admit that when I read “The woman's emerald orbs look up and bore right through him in annoyance, for his words echoes of the past, but he really didn't care.” I wondered if I was reading a parody of pretension. The author’s inconsistency of style actually works in her favour here, because if every paragraph was to contain emerald orbs and phlegmatic men, I doubt I’d be able to read it all the way through.

    Some people might enjoy this style of writing, but they are wrong.
    2/10

    • Creativity
    Not bad. It’s a proper little story with a beginning and an end, and while it’s not exactly a work of creative genius, it’s at least original work. I’d give extra points for the insane language, but I’m not feeling that charitable.
    5/10

    • Characterization
    Sai is hard to do, because he doesn’t show his emotions, even if he has them, which he might not even, if you catch my drift. In this tory, he shows a lot more emotions than usual, not only in the drawing, but in his words and actions, although that might be excused since the theme of the story is basically “Sai having feelings”. Sakura’s a bit too tender, and unless this story is set in some kind of way strange future where Sasuke came back, hooked up with Sakura and then died, describing him as her “former lover” doesn’t really work.
    6/10

    • Use of theme/prompt
    How can anyone conceivably screw up a “Slice of Life” prompt?
    6/10
    ----
    19/40 total
     
  8. Ruri

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    Title: Ephemeral
    Style: 5

    I didn?t understand the sentence ?He?ll be there to see if Naruto is still the same idiot who has surpassed it (although he would never admit it).? What does ?it? refer to? Also, although I understood what you meant in the parenthesis, the use of ?it? again adds to the confusion. I also thought the sentence ?He?ll be there, smiling secretly as Naruto does another attempt to steal Kakashi?s book? was odd; the flow was awkward, and I?d change ?does another attempt? to something else. Otherwise, I?d suggest avoiding changing tenses so often.
    Creativity: 3
    Angsty fics centered on Sasuke?s emotions when leaving Konoha have been beaten to death. ^^;
    Charcterization: 9
    This was well done. You did a great job characterizing Sasuke exactly as he is in the manga.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    The fic was definitely about Sasuke?s bonds, and you remained focused on that throughout.
    Total score: 26/40

    Title: Capturing Emotions
    Style: 6

    The first sentence made me pause, as it?s somewhat odd wording to say ?and all he did was her.? It?s nice that you used more varied vocabulary, but I think you went overboard many times (ex - ?her pale amaranth colored hair?). There were some inconsistencies in tenses as well.
    Creativity: 8
    I thought this was a very creative piece, as I haven?t come across many SaiSaku fics, and moreover I enjoyed the way in which you mixed romance and art.
    Characterization: 8
    It?s difficult to say how accurate you were with Sai since he reveals so little of his thoughts in general, but I think you did well in portraying his difficulty in expressing emotions. Sakura felt a little off, though. It could just be me, but I don?t see her hugging Sai as she did Sasuke so early in the relationship.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 31/40

    Title: Voice-an impression of a sign-
    Style: 5

    In general, there were far more commas than needed throughout. I wondered what you meant by their values not being as insecure as he thought. I also didn?t see the point in putting the last sentence in parenthesis. It?s the line that is tying the fic together and would have much more impact if not added as an afterthought, as if to remind the reader what the theme of the story is.
    Creativity: 4
    While not terribly creative (the bonds of Team 7, before and after the timeskip, are always favorites), I liked how it revolved around Sasuke?s birthday.
    Characterization: 7
    It was hard to believe that Naruto would go search for Sasuke only to leave a birthday present for him. Also that he was able to find the place within a few months of Sasuke?s departure is unrealistic. I?m not sure Sasuke would put so much emphasis on his birthday either, particularly once he?s made up his mind and gone to Orochimaru. Sakura was written well, though.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    If you want to write about bonds, you really can?t go wrong with Team 7. =D
    Total score: 25/40

    Title: Bleed the Soul
    Style: 5

    Before I give any other critique, I have to say that the overall style of putting big gaps between each sentence detracted from the story itself. I think that, when used more sparingly, that kind of stream-of-consciousness can be very effective and dramatic. However, in this instance it just became tiring after a while. ^^ Many words could also still retain their impact without being italicized. Some minor points: Why is the emptiness in her smile ?alluring?? You might want to try varying your words in some areas (?awfully? was used too often, imo) as well. I did like how you mixed the past with the present, though; it was interesting to see the story grow as you learned more about each.
    Creativity: 7
    SasuIno is a more creative choice than the usual pairings, so good job with that. The story itself was kind of clich? as a typical fic about Sasuke?s death + ensuing sadness, but it was still written in a creative style, and the quotations added to this.
    Characterization: 6
    Naruto and Sakura were handled well. I don?t see Sasuke knowing Ino as well as was implied by ?You always had?bad timing, Yamanaka.? Given how little Sasuke and Ino had interacted before he left, I?m also a bit skeptical that Ino would be as deeply affected (or more?) by his death as Naruto and Sakura.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    This was very much about the past.
    Total score: 27/40

    Title: Caught red-handed (ShikaTema)
    Style: 4

    There were quite a few errors in grammar and punctuation. One thing that bothered me was the lack of commas in certain sentences, most noticeably in lines such as ?Pouting Temari? and ?Smirking Shikamaru?. Without commas between the words makes it seem as if these are their titles, rather than faces they?re making.
    Creativity: 6
    ShikaTema is a very popular pairing, but it was still a creative way to show the dynamics between the two during the beginning of their relationship.
    Characterization: 5
    This was a comedy, so I?m not going to be too harsh, but I honestly couldn?t see any of the characters saying or doing what they did sometimes.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Total score: 23/40

    Title: Kaleidoscope Eyes
    Style: 10

    I really liked this fic. The style was perfect, and the repetition of key phrases was great to really draw the reader into Sasuke?s emotions.
    Creativity: 7
    I have read fics about Sasuke finally defeating Itachi, but I loved how you wrote this one. The way you emphasized the bonds between the two brothers, and had Sasuke attain the MS at the end, was great.
    Characterization: 10
    Everything was spot-on for Sasuke.
    Use of theme/prompt: 10
    Total score: 37/40


    Title: Life Appreciation
    Style: 7

    There were a few typos and grammar errors, but they didn?t really detract from the story. All in all it was well written.
    Creativity: 7
    I thought the fic was very creative in its character choice and plot. Ten-ten?s change from envying normal teens to being pleased with her life style was interesting (although I think you could have emphasized the change at the end a bit more; it was a rather abrupt ending).
    Characterization: 6
    I have to say that ?Ms Chip? just sounds out of place in a world where nearly everyone else has a Japanese name and speaks Japanese. In the same way, it?s slightly odd that they study English. =D
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    It?s very hard to go wrong with a slice of life theme. ^^
    Total score: 29/40

    Title: Wish I Could Understand
    Style: 7

    It would have been easier to differentiate between dialogue and narration/inner thoughts if you?d used quotation marks rather than dashes. There were a few times where you forgot to end a spoken line with a dash, which made it harder to understand. Also, the sentence ?And sure they were.? was confusing.
    Creativity: 7
    With a ?Bonds? theme, the most obvious choice would have been to write a Team 7 fic, but it was nice to see it tackled from Gaara?s perspective instead.
    Characterization: 7
    I think all of the characters were fairly accurate, and I can?t think of anything that really stood out as an inconsistency. (it would have been awesome to see Lee say ?Mada mada dane, btw [/prince of tennis fan] XD)
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 30/40



    Title: Dosu?s Shattered Throne
    Style: 8

    This was pretty solid throughout, and the only suggestion I have is to not refer to Dosu as Dosu all the time. Within a sentence or two, as long as the pronouns are clear, ?he? works well and adds some variety.
    Creativity: 10
    This is the first Dosu fic I?ve read, and I have to give points for coming up with a plausible backstory for him.
    Characterization: 8
    It?s hard to judge this, since we don?t know a whole lot about Dosu, but nothing felt glaringly off either.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 35/40

    Title: Third Time?s the Charm
    Style: 8

    I think the story could benefit from condensing some of the smaller paragraphs into larger ones. As it is, the flow gets disrupted from so many visual breaks. Also,
    I?d definitely break that sentence up into two.
    Creativity: 9
    A Sasori fic! \^o^/ <333 Really, though, Sasori is not the most obvious choice to write a fic about, and I?m glad you did.
    Characterization: 9
    I really enjoyed reading this fic (Sasori bias aside XD). It was very frustrating to see Sasori die without having so many questions concerning his past answered, but I think the way in which you showed how he finally brought down the Sandaime Kazekage was very interesting.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 35/40


    Title: Life as a Medical Shinobi
    Style: 5

    There were quite a few grammar and spelling errors, and I think the fic would have been better with more revision. It?s not a huge deal, but it would have been easier to read if there were spaces between each sentence. ^^
    Creativity: 7
    The plot is reasonably creative, and I liked the way in which you compared the two characters.
    Characterization: 6
    I thought Ino?s resignation at being useless as a medic was out of character. I?d expect her not to give up so easily and resign herself to working at her mom?s flower shop. Sakura was fairly good, though. Although, what did you mean when Sakura said ?the day I died by then got revived by Chiyo??
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    I felt that the bond between Sakura and Ino could have been made more clear.
    Total score: 24/40
     
  9. Ruri

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    Title: Break the Limit
    Style: 6

    You had several run-on sentences and commas could have been added/removed in many sentences to make them clearer. As with some other fics, I think yours could be much better if you condense some of the smaller paragraphs into larger ones.
    Creativity: 7
    You addressed the subject of how Naruto could possible come to terms with the Kyuubi in a way I hadn't considered before.
    Characterization: 7
    Overall the characters were believable, but it felt a bit odd seeing the Kyuubi being so wise and philosophical.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Total score: 28/40

    Title: Snared by Duty
    Style: 6

    There are some problems with tenses and an overuse of semicolons. Some of the phrases used were also a little too wordy, as in “…pierced his foggy heart with a glimmering arrow of hope.” I felt it ended too abruptly, and wanted more elaboration on how exactly Naruto had changed Neji’s outlook.
    Creativity: 6
    I’ve read fics about Neji with this general premise before, but the prophesy was something new, and I enjoyed that section of the story the most.
    Characterization: 8
    You did well in showing Neji’s contempt for Hinata and the main family. This line stood out to me:
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Total score: 28/40


    Title: Cry
    Style: 8

    I really liked the way you broke up the fic into sections. It made the story feel more episodic, and I could clearly see it in my mind. You could try to vary your word choice a little more, and maybe shorten some sentences, but overall it was nicely done. =D
    Creativity: 9
    I have to give points for writing about Sasori (<333), since he’s not an extremely popular choice. Also, as I already said, I thought the way you presented the story was very creative.
    Characterization: 9
    Great job. I can easily imagine a younger Sasori just like the one you portrayed.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 35/40


    Title: Is That What This Is?
    Style: 7

    I liked the concept, but I think the way you presented it was too confusing at times. With the constant change from Naruto’s thoughts to 3rd person narration and back, it was often difficult to tell who “he” was. I really liked the way you ended the fic, though - really tied the fic together.
    Creativity: 6
    While you did go beyond the usual broken-Team 7 fic mold, it was still very similar. It also felt like you were writing a fic on Shippuden’s Nagare Boshi ending theme. ^^
    Characterization: 7
    Naruto was done well, but this line felt off:
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Total score: 28/40
     
  10. less

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    Three more:

    Voice-an impression of a sign-

    Style:
    The simple prose of this one is kinda refreshing, actually. ?When unsure, keep it simple? is a good rule for writing (and for most other things, as it were). There are a few simple errors around, such as the odd misspelling (thought =/= though) and wrong pronoun use (feeling = ?it?, not ?they?), but the text largely holds up ok. The little coda helping the judges to see how the story relates to the prompt was quite unnecessary, though.

    One thing that irked me was all the ?then?s. When you?re describing the actions of a character, especially in the present tense, as it is done here, any sane reader will automatically assume the actions take place in the order they?re written down unless otherwise is stated. For example, in the sentences ?Sasuke can?t help and be nostalgic about it. And then, he wonders if leaving them was the best thing to do.?, the and then is completely redundant and adds nothing to the text but a vague feeling of ?four year-olds telling you all about their day?. Not as big a problem as the size of this paragraph might suggest, but annoying all the same.

    Also, I can?t make heads or tails of the title.

    4/10

    Creativity:
    Just like the last one; an original story, but not particularly wowing (or well thought out, as I?ll get to in a minute).

    4/10

    Characterization:
    Sasuke is all right, Sakura is downright good, but Naruto is way off, which leads me to my biggest problem with this entry, and also the reason why I took a point off the base creativity score. If Naruto knew where Sasuke was two months after he left Konoha, you can bet your ass he?d barge in there in full suicide mode to get him back. True, Naruto is dumb/brave enough to try and break into an ex-Akatsuki?s base to deliver a parcel if he was so inclined, but with Sasuke there it?s no way he?d settle for delivery work. Also, if he?s known where Sasuke is for a month, why hasn?t he told the Hokage so she could get started planning a proper assault? Surely not even Naruto is that short-sighted.

    5/10

    Use of prompt:
    I?m starting to realize that the prompts used for this contest is so vague and varied that it?s nigh unto impossible to use them either very well or very badly. Unless someone screws up royally or does something downright brilliant later on, I can?t see how it?d be fair of me to give anything but a 6 in this to anyone.

    6/10

    Total: 19/40



    Bleed The Soul

    Style:
    The style of this entry has been the only positive surprise so far, so for once I?ll start with the bad:

    1) The title is awful, and by ?awful? I mean ?such god awfully poor advertisement for the fic that I had to have a couple of drinks to work up the guts to even read the damn thing.? After ten minutes of deliberation, I have come up with one single concept where the title ?Bleed The Soul? might work, and that would be a story about ghost vampires who feed off life essence instead of blood, and even then it would be a horrible clich?. This fic is not about ghost vampires who feed off life essence instead of blood.

    2) The return of the emerald orbs. What the hell is up with describing Sakura?s eyes as ?emerald orbs?? This is the fourth fic I?m judging, and the second to use that exact phrase. That?s an emerald orb frequency of 50%! I brought this up in the fanfic contest thread in the modlounge, and to my horror and disbelief a way more seasoned fanfic-reader than myself said that ?emerald orbs? is a pretty common way to describe Sakura?s eyes among the fanfic community. I have thus written down a list of three arguments against the usage of ?emerald orbs? that I hope everyone writing fanfics will read and kindly reflect upon (If you?re the author of ?Bleed The Soul?, please realize that you are in no way singled out here. This little tangent I?m going off on is directed at you as well as the author of entry #2, not to mention anyone else out there who?s ever used that phrase. I?ll get back to your specific fic in a minute, promise):

    A) Emerald:
    ?Emerald? is the single biggest clich? in the history of the English language when describing the colour green by any other word than ?green?. In fact, it?s so overused that I urge you never to use it ever except when describing the actual gem. As if the clich? part of it wasn?t enough, Sakura?s eyes are not emerald, not even close. Emerald is a much, much richer hue of green than Sakura?s pale turquoise-ish eyes are, so it?s not only a clich?, but a downright exaggeration.

    B) Orbs:
    Ignoring the bulge of the retina and the optic nerve, eyes are orbs, I agree, but only when pulled from their sockets. The mind?s eye vision of an eye is not an orb, but rather a widened slit with an eyebrow and an iris and all that jazz. Imagine an eye right now if you don?t believe me. See an orb? No you don?t. You see an iris, sure, but an orb is three-dimensional and the image of an iris is not. Describing eyes as orbs makes them sound as if they?re floating in mid-air, like Gaara?s sand eye.

    C) Emerald orbs:
    Even conceding the fact that ?emerald? is a clich? and an exaggeration, and even conceding the fact that Sakura?s eyes are floating in mid-air, the actual orb is white, not green. Only the iris is green, see? Enough with the quarrelling, though, I?ve saved the best argument for not describing Sakura?s eyes as emerald orbs for last: It makes you sound like a pretentious tit.

    Now that that?s all cleared up, back to the style of ?Bleed The Soul?.

    Sticking to my promise to begin with the bad I will note that at certain places, though not a lot of places, there are some awkward sentences and redundant adjectives/adverbs. A good example is the sentence: ?But she raised her face to the sky upwards, allowing the rain to wash away her tearstained face?. First of all, if she looked to the sky she obviously looked upwards, so there?s no point mentioning that. Secondly, the rain washed away her face? I sure hope the face in question is a euphemism for her make-up.

    When I first saw this fic entered, I dreaded reading it, not only because of the title, but because of the format. Loose, centered text with machinegun paragraphs, a quote about lurve at the beginning and a flower glossary at the end? What have I done to deserve this? (Dumb question on my part, really: I?ve volunteered to judge a fanfic contest, that?s what.)

    Then, as I started reading, I realised it wasn?t a poem but a stream-of-consciousness, which is good because as hard as a stream-of-consciousness is to pull off, free-form poetry is even harder. As I read on, a second pleasant surprise came as I realised it was actually quite readable. I never had any trouble understanding what was going on, the changes from past to present were no problem (italics are handy like that), and what?s more, the author actually seemed to know how to use brevity of description to enhance the mental picture of the action. Hallelujah! This entry contained more emotion and imagery than the last three combined, and that?s not because it?s about such a sad and heavy-hitting theme, but rather because the author knows to trust that the reader will read into it, not just read it. Bravo.

    7/10

    Creativity:

    An original story, a wee twist at the end, and a minefield of a format pulled off without blowing up. Not bad.

    5/10

    Characterization:

    Sakura and Naruto gets very little time, but nothing in their actions is inconsistent with their characters. Describing Ino in this situation isn?t very hard, she pretty much reacts the same way most people would. Sasuke is the real gem; the way hints of romantic intentions are downplayed to the point where it might just have been Ino?s wishful thinking. The ambiguity of his second to last line is especially Sasuke-ish, and pretty much makes the fic as far as I?m concerned.

    9/10

    Use of Prompt:

    Like I said, all 6'es until something freakish appears.

    6/10

    Total: 27/40



    Caught red-handed

    Style:
    The real bitch about this fic is that any half decent editor would have cleared this mess right up. There?s no single huge thing wrong here, but rather a myriad of small ones. A sampling follows:

    Meaningless inconsistency in tenses (paragraph 4 vs. 3 and 5, for example).

    Wrong punctuation (you?re supposed to put a question mark after a question, hence the name).

    Too much punctuation (you either put a question mark or an exclamation point, not both and certainly not two of each).

    Too many adjectives and too much adverbs (I?ve been over this before; adjectives that are already inferred by the context are bad and adverbs are only to be used in the direst of circumstances).

    Too much clutter around the dialogue (Lots of dialogue is all well and good, but you don?t have to state who says what every time, especially not when only two people are talking. When three people are talking things get clumsier, but there?s still no reason to tag on an entire sentence to each line when all the reader wants to know is who?s talking).

    Dashes where they don?t go (?Themselves? and ?himself? are both perfectly good words. No need to dissect them).

    Too few pronouns (No need to state their names all the time. In the last sentence of the 11th paragraph, for instance. Why not just write ?he kissed her??)

    And so forth.

    2/10

    Creativity:

    Not very.

    3/10

    Characterization:

    Since when does Temari call Shikamaru ?Shika?? When he became her boyfriend, I suppose. Kankuro seems a bit too easy-going but still decent enough. Temari and Shikamaru are both pretty good. Even the strictest women is soft to the guy she loves and all that jazz.

    7/10

    Use of prompt:

    Yadda.

    6/10

    Total 18/40
     
  11. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title: Is That What This Is?
    Style: 6
    A few minor grammatical errors here and there. Despite this being a POV reflective narrative, the diction doesn't flow as well as it should -- it feels as if the story is constantly chopped up, really detracting from one's experience in reading.
    Creativity: 6
    Just a reflective piece on Bonds, in first POV. Nothing new in the story, really. Writing is somewhat original.
    Characterization: 5
    This being a POV story according from Naruto, I find it very hard for him to think like this. It's not so much as what he thinks about -- but rather, how he thinks. The diction of his thoughts is really unlike that of Naruto, too advanced for him. This kind of consciousness doesn't feel like Naruto at all, when reading through the story.
    Sakura's characterization, no complaints.
    Kakashi's? Not so much.
    Ino? Checking up on Sakura is a bit much.
    Use of Theme/Prompt: 8
    Adhered to the theme, through reflection.
    Total Score: 25/40

    --

    Title: Ephermal
    Style: 5
    Few, but glaring grammatical errors that really, really stood out while reading. Confusion of tenses doesn't help. Some sentences in terms of syntax were a pain to read. Really advise a read through and revision, by yourself, by another, and outloud as well.
    Creativity: 3
    Nothing creative, really. Just a reflection on one of the events of the manga.
    Characterization: 10
    Pretty much Sasuke.
    Use of Theme/Prompt: 9
    Definitely explored the Bonds theme.
    Total Score: 27/40
     
  12. Splintered

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    Forgive me for the lack of detail. I scored these awhile ago, and I just finished off shaking a fever so... I'm also no English major so bear with me

    Caught Red Handed:
    Style: 3/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 21/40

    As someone who've read romance stories in many different fandoms, your story really offered nothing new. You could also benefit from another read-through/proofreading before you submit it to avoid grammatical/spelling/and tense mistakes. It was a story that very much relied on dialogue from Shikamaru's and Temari's interaction but even that wasn't very strong. The only character that seemed to be his own is Shikamaru, the rest of the characterization seemed iffy but not enough to say OOC.

    All in all, it wasn't horribly written, but mistake riddled and a very cardboard cutout story that has been used throughout fandoms. With a little more time and effort, it could have been pulled off.

    Kaleidoscope Eyes:

    Style: 10/10
    Creativity: 7/10
    Characterization: 9/10
    Theme: 10/10
    Total: 36/40

    I loved this story and it ranks as one of my favorite. It was a strong piece despite being so short. I like your capture of Sasuke's character and his relationship with Itachi. Even if the story isn't really new in terms of "plot," I think the execution is just as important as ingenuity. I loved your description of Sasuke achieving the Mangekyou most of all; it was highlight of the piece. Well done.

    Ephemeral

    Style: 6/10
    Creativity: 2/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme: 8/10
    Total: 24/40

    The first thing that popped into my head was "average," just in type of story, style, imagery, how well it is proofread, and characterization. I've seen Ephemeral a hundred times over in different ways. There is nothing wrong with the story, but there isn't anything great either. Your strongest point is Sasuke's characterization and insight, which makes sense since this is a character piece, but everything else was so normal it almost seemed bland. You have good enough skills, but Ephemeral is a dime a dozen.

    Life as a Medical Shinobi

    Style:
    3/10
    Creativity: 6/10
    Characterization: 5/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 21/40

    I like stories that view the same situation through different eyes. I thought the way you played Ino and Sakura off each other was well done. I found, though, that I disliked your style. Your beginning paragraph is suppose to capture the attention of your audience and I found it lacking, consisting of mostly short and boring sentences. You'd also probably benefit from another read through to get all your spelling and grammar mistakes out of the way before submitting. Sakura's characterization was well enough, but Ino fell short, in my opinion. She's the kind of character that is very hard to angst.

    You've got a good foundation for a decent story, just take more time with it and try making your opening stronger.

    Voice-an impression of a sign-


    Style:
    5/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 9/10
    Total: 26/40

    Voice is a very simplistic and nostalgic story. There was nothing that really left an impression but there was nothing wrong with it; it's a very warm read. I thought you did Sakura's character well, but Sasuke's and Naruto's were "yeah that's them, but meh." There are a lot of Team 7 bond stories so it's wasn't that original, but I gave it extra for having an underlying theme of Sasuke's birthday.

    Wish I could Understand

    Style:
    2/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 24/40

    99% of the time when you write dialogue you use quotation marks. I don't know what the other 1% is, but this story is not covered by it. You will lose the majority of your readers with this format. The actual content itself was not bad, but it wasn't enough to keep from being distracted by your dashes. Other than that, you characters are pretty much themselves and your theme was present. I think the most redeeming quality of the story was the end when everything comes full circle.

    It would be a decent story with a good twist if not for the glaring mistakes. Your best bet is to get a beta reader from somewhere. There are multiple places, like some lj communities or forums that focus on fanfiction writing, that offer a beta service. Even getting a friend to proofread your story would do you well. After you overcome those mistakes, it will make your stories much more enjoyable to read. Keep those problems in and it becomes a chore to read.

    Capturing Emotions


    Style:
    7/10
    Creativity: 7/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 26/40


    I have no problem with ornate writing. Despite some awkward mistakes, it was well done. The problem is that you went a bit overboard with your language. English can be a pretty language naturally but try too hard and it loses its appeal. A lot of your wording tripped over the greater meaning of the sentence.

    As far as characterization goes, Sakura is Sakura, and Sai is still decidedly ambiguous so I'm much more lenient with his character (though someone had pointed out that Sai was more pre-Narutobitchslap in this story than he is as a character shown presently in the manga.) The story seems fairly normal for a romance genre, but I liked how you brought it about with Sai's painting so I have extra points to creativity.

    In the future, don't let your language compete with your story. I don't think you should change your style, just tone it down a bit. And if it makes it easier to catch awkward mistakes, when you read through your story after you finish it, trying reading it out loud.

    Life Appreciation

    Style:
    4/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 21/40

    There's really no impact in this story so I can't remember it too well. There's not much to comment style wise. There were a few poorly chosen words and awkward sentences, but nothing that glared horrible. Tenten is a vague persona so there's really no wrong way to write her, and both Kakashi and Hinata were in character.

    Snared by Duty

    Style:
    6/10
    Creativity: 3/10
    Characterization: 9/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 25/40

    This story reminds me of Ephemeral in that it is very average. It's a standard issue Neji insight story, focusing more on character than creativity or story. You have some grammatical problems, the most obvious being that you spam semicolons.

    Cry

    Style:
    7/10
    Creativity:6/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 27/40

    I've seen the Shinobi Rule #25 pop up a lot in fanfiction, but I think it's always more interesting when we see it accompanying a villain, especially one like Sasori, who is not emotionally or physically capable of breaking the rule. Even though fics about emotions and crying are everywhere, the fact that you paired it with Sasori's past gives it a slight twist. I had no job seeing the picture of younger Sasori you painted.

    Bleed the Soul


    Style: 7/10
    Creativity:5/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 8/10
    Total: 28/40

    Your story was well written in general. I had no problems with the style of writing; for the most part it was constructed clearly and was an enjoyable read. I'm not a big fan of the fact that every sentence was a new paragraph. While it made the story more broken that it complimented the character's state of being, it still made me a bit iffy.

    Rare pairings do not a creative story make; I've seen "character X struggling to get over character Y's death" a lot. I couldn't really say it was anything new, though I gave it extra points because it was sort of interesting to see Ino's relationship with Sasuke.

    The one problem with characterization in angst is that it paints your character in a corner, there's only so much Ino can be as boisterous and loud as herself in a story she's suppose to be mourning. Giving some leniency because of that, plus you pay homage to her "regular" character in a few snipets, and the rest of the characters seem to be intact.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2007
  13. Splintered

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    Break the Limit

    Style: 4/10
    Creativity:8/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 25/40

    Out of all the stories on the first page, this one was the most dynamic, as in it had dialogue, monologue, and action with varied settings. With that much going on, though, you have to be careful, otherwise your reader will be lost. For one, you did not mark a POV shift distinctly. There was a clear end of Kyuubi's thought, but it would still be nice if you somehow flagged the reader before they went from first person Kyuubi, to third person Naruto. Especially at the end, it's either more shifts in povs or unmarked Kyuubi thoughts but either way it doesn't remain consistent. There are also some other grammatical mistakes so I'd recommend you sleep on the story a day, then come back to it and proofread.

    Kyuubi and Naruto fusion stories aren't rare, but the part that gives this creative points is execution. You thought out how they would do so and gave Kyuubi's consent through his own eyes so it sheds a different light on the matter.

    Naruto and Kyuubi are pretty much IC. However, despite Kyuubi's bloodthirsty demon qualities, he was a bit off. There was a lot of... modern phrasing. For example
    The thought of Kyuubi saying this makes me shudder. You have to distance your writing and your characterization from your own natural colloquialisms, otherwise you run the risk ruining a character or setting.

    Your theme is in place, though I thought it wasn't a very good fit with the story. It felt like you had an idea that was loosely based on a theme, ran the story away, and then awkwardly try to bring it back by giving Kyuubi a long speech that didn't really seem that well connected. But you touched on it enough so *shrug*

    Dosu's Shattered Throne

    Style: 3/10
    Creativity: 10/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 8/10
    Total: 27/40

    The first thing you immediately catch is the bad formating, and that is not the first impression you want to give to your readers. You have to split up your dialogue into different paragraphs, it makes for much easier reading. There are other problems with spelling, grammar, and awkwardly structured sentences.

    This story, if nothing else, is very creative. I can honestly say I've never read one like it. Dosu's a unique character to write about to start with, but writing him as the leader of Sound is something refreshingly new (of course there might be a reason for that. I'm pretty sure it is stated that Orochimaru was the founder of the Sound village, but it is 2 AM in the morning and I don't feel like looking up the information or docking points on a technicality). Despite the formatting problems, it was a very interesting piece to read. I'd recommend you get a beta or read it through again, because this could have been a great story with some tweaking.

    Third Time's the Charm

    Style: 8/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme:6/10
    Total: 30/40

    This is another piece I really enjoyed. For the most part, the story and style was solid, though you might want to use one sentence paragraphs sparingly. I thought it was a creative piece that gave me a solid feel of Sasori's obsession and calculation. Nice job.

    Is That What This Is?

    Style: 7/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme:8/10
    Total: 26/40

    For some reason I'm oddly attached to this fic. There's nothing quite remarkable about it, but it's a rather sad but peaceful stream of thoughts from Naruto that make it endearing. Naruto's character, though, is the problem. I wouldn't say it's not Naruto, but you could have replaced him with anybody from anywhere, it was too general of a view to give it a good characterization rating.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2007
  14. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Life as a Medical Shinobi
    Style: 2
    I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Spelling errors (or obvious grammatical errors) really detract one' pleasure gained from his/her reading experience. Be it many or even one, the error stands out to the mind. This had such glaring spelling and grammatical errors that it was quite hard to stomach and read through. Proofread, revise, consult a dictionary, please!
    Creativity: 6
    Reflecting in a hospital among suffering patients. Not bad, but not unique though. Can't comment much more.
    Characterization: 7
    Sakura's characterization is alright, but Ino's is a bit off. I don't see her as the type to angst and give up so easily. With her kind of spirit, she'd eventually resolve herself to do better.
    Use of theme/prompt: 5
    The story did adhere to the bonds theme. Sakura with Ino, and vice-versa. But there could have been a lot more between them to explore, bond-wise.
    Total score: 20/40
     
  15. Splintered

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    Bonds you Have Broken
    Style: 5/10
    Creativity: 3/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 22/40

    The Cunning Fox
    Style: 6/10
    Creativity: 4/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 24/40

    To Never Be With You
    Style: 6/10
    Creativity: 4/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 23/40

    The Twilight Destiny
    Style: 2/10
    Creativity: 6/10
    Characterization: 5/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 19/40

    Uchiha Story
    Style: 4/10
    Creativity: 6/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 22/40

    The End
    Style: 4/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 4/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 23/40

    Slipping Away
    Style: 7/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 27/40

    Karma
    Style: 8/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 8/10
    Total: 30/40

    Reciprocity
    Style: 6/10
    Creativity: 7/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 6/10
    Total: 26/40

    Tobi
    Style: 6/10
    Creativity: 7/10
    Characterization: 6/10
    Theme: 5/10
    Total: 25/40

    Where We Stand
    Style: 9/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 31/40

    The Little Things
    Style: 7/10
    Creativity: 5/10
    Characterization: 7/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 26/40

    Sharp Teeth
    Style: 7/10
    Creativity: 8/10
    Characterization: 8/10
    Theme: 7/10
    Total: 30/40

    Will get to the comments after I finish the rest of the fanfiction. Maybe. >_>
     
  16. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Little Things
    Style: 6
    Style here is not bad, but does need work. Some sentences read very awkwardly, due to run-on and misapplication of punctuation. One example is the third sentence. Grammatical errors are present, which could have been eliminated through a thorough proofread. The diction is alright, but is just hampered down by the things I've commented earlier.
    Creativity: 7
    For a quiet moment concerning bonds, the idea is alright, but it doesn't scream out originality.
    Characterization: 8
    I'm no Sakura expert, but I can see Sakura behaving in such a situation. Naruto was handled well, in my opinion. Though boisterous and outspoken, he does have his quiet, doubting moments, which is not farfetched for the character, considering his past.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    It adhered to the Bonds theme, yes. However, I felt that more could have been explored in the moment between Sakura and Naruto.
    Total score: 29/40

    Countless Database Errors and 500 Internal Server Errors prevent me from reading Masked.
     
  17. Ruri

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    Title: Bonds You Had Broken
    Style: 8

    I liked the way you began and ended the fic, but I think you used too many metaphors in the introduction and conclusion, to the point where I felt that it was taking away from the story.
    Creativity: 6
    Team 7 and bonds go together well, which is why it?s been done many times. Still, it was well written and very emotional.
    Characterization: 7
    I think you did a great job with Naruto and Sakura, but Sasuke seemed too willing and eager to give up on his dream of killing Itachi. I just think his resolve to avenge his clan is stronger than his desire to go back to Konoha and his friends.
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    The story literally had ?bonds? written all over it. =D
    Total score: 30/40


    Title: The Cunning Fox
    Style: 7

    There were quite a few errors with commas that made sentences unclear. This sentence was also confusing:
    Overall it was still well-written, though. I just wish it were longer, to develop the story more.
    Creativity: 5
    I?ve read far too many fics about this same prompt, I?m afraid. ^^
    Characterization: 9
    For the most part this fit what we know of the Kyuubi pretty well. =D
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 28/40



    Title: To Never Be With You
    Style: 7

    You had a few errors with punctuation, and some missing words & commas that would have made some lines more clear. Overall it was pretty good, though. ^^
    Creativity: 8
    All major pairings/love triangles have been done before, of course, but I liked the way you presented Sakura and Naruto?s thoughts. The symmetry of the fic was great, and I loved how it was a simple scene on the outside, but only the reader knew what was really going on. That made it that much more dramatic and interesting.
    Characterization: 8
    Everyone was pretty solid, imo.
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 30/40



    Title: The Twilight of Destiny
    Style: 4

    First of all, it would really help if you could break up the fic into paragraphs, rather than have it as a solid block of text. Also, you used the phrase ?twilight of destiny? far too much. There were errors in style throughout, but I?ll use this quote as an example:
    The first problem is that the lines said by Baki aren?t clearly identified as his. You also really need to add some commas and periods in many places.
    Creativity: 6
    A war story between the Sand and the Rock villages is fairly creative, but to be honest it felt like a rip-off of a battle in Lord of the Rings or other stories like that.
    Characterization: 5
    I can see Gaara being a strong leader and caring deeply for his village, but, again, he seemed to be written more along the lines of Aragorn than canon-Gaara. I also don?t see shinobi villages having massive fights like this either, with two armies charging each other head on. I might be wrong, but I assumed that shinobi fought differently - more discreetly. >_>
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 22/40



    Title: Uchiha Story
    Style: 5

    In some places you could have made it more clear who was say what, even though it wasn?t terribly difficult to figure it out. There were also many sentences that could have benefited from fewer commas and more periods. This sentence was particularly confusing:
    Creativity: 6
    You already had the basic plot laid out for you by the manga, but you did a fairly good job fleshing it out, and overall I thought it was well done.
    Characterization: 7
    I couldn?t understand why Shisui think that the best course of action is to learn the secret, lure Itachi far away, and defeat him on his own? I also can?t imagine that Orochimaru would know exactly where the Uchiha secret meeting place is, and that there is a great secret there, while Itachi wouldn?t. If Orochimaru was somehow able to get that information, why wouldn?t Itachi be able to?
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 27/40
     
  18. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    The examinations are almost over, and athletic life remains as driving as ever.

    Title of fic: Voice-an impression of a sign-
    Style: 6

    The beginning of the story seems awkward, compared to the rest of the story. Its flow is alright, but really uses a lot of commas and makes use of “then”. There are bit of grammatical errors here and there. Simplistic, but I found it at a point where it’s crossing plain description, rather than prose.
    Creativity: 5
    Bonds utilizing Sasuke’s birthday. Not terribly original, unfortunately.
    Characterization: 5
    Sakura’s characterization was good. Sasuke’s is alright. Naruto is pretty much inaccurate. If he found out where Sasuke was, he’d go Valley of the End all over again. He’s not one to really reason with, or one who’s considerate enough to let Sasuke pursue his vendetta. The same would go for Sakura too, if it were reversed.
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Adhered to the Bonds theme, yes. However, when I finished reading, I found it a bit lacking. You could have explored the theme a bit more.
    Total score: 27/40

    Title of fic: Masked
    Style: 1
    Again, obvious spelling errors and grammatical errors really detract from one’s reading, especially the former. Not even past the first paragraph, and already a number spelling errors, some that could have easily been eliminated by a Word spell-check. The narration is alright, and really holds. But the sheer number of spelling errors really lowers the score, and I couldn’t ignore them as I read through. A pity, for what could have been a much higher, and really deserving score for a story such as this.
    Creativity: 7
    A love triangle: Hinata, Sakura, and Naruto. Not common, but I found this story refreshing.
    Characterization: 8
    Hinata’s character is quite accurate, as well as Sakura’s. I can imagine them conducting their conversations between them in this kind of manner, Hinata being her reserve, hesitant self and Sakura being polite and courteous. The former’s maturation at the end is a good read; I can see Hinata reacting in a similar manner were she ever to confront the end of her long-kept crush, and mature from it. Naruto’s character is alright, but him and Sakura. . . it’s not that I’m anti-Naruto/Sakura, but I find it difficult to believe Naruto would be unfaithful, especially someone like Hinata. I imagine that finding someone who would accept Naruto so completely would have Naruto being quite boisterous and responsive, since he’s been practically alone throughout his childhood. I imagine that for romantic bond, Naruto do his best to keep it intact.
    Use of theme/prompt: 10
    Really adhered to the Bonds theme. From Hinata’s perspective regarding Sakura, Naruto, and the two of them together. Bonds are compared to, explored, and broken. Great work.
    Total score: 26/40
     
  19. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Wish I Could Understand
    Style: 3

    When characters speak dialogue, quotation marks are used. That’s the norm, the standard in writing. Despite how good the narrative may be, if basic spelling and grammar are not adhered to, few readers would tolerate and continue reading. Had you employ them, Style would have received a much higher score. It’d be best if you reversed your use of quotation marks and dashes – quotation marks of outloud character dialogue, and dashes for inner character thoughts.
    The written narrative itself is good. Punctuation also suffers here and there. To improve your writing, proofread your work with someone else.
    Creativity: 8
    I especially liked your employment of the ‘lion-mouse’ lesson. The story from Gaara’s and Rock’s perspective was interesting to read, exploring the aftermath of the failed Sasuke retrieval mission. The scene from the post-timeskip as this story’s ending was a nice touch, and wraps up everything well.
    Characterization: 8
    I have no complaints about Gaara, Gai, or Rock. Sakura, I would find to be more sad with the outcome of the failed Sasuke retrieval mission. I can’t really see her telling Gaara the lesson of the ‘lion-mouse’ (or any other character, for that matter).
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    A good Bonds story. You explore it from Gaara’s perspective between him and Rock Lee, reflecting back on the Chuunin Exams, and wrapped it up with the ending. The small bonds between Sakura and Rock, Gai with Rock, and Gai and his sensei were nice supporting touches.
    Total score:27/40

    --

    Title of fic: Bedtime Story
    Style: 8

    Because the story it’s told in the style of a parable, grammar doesn’t have to be too strictly adhered to. There were times, however, that I felt that the reading flow of the story could have gone on more smoothly, for such a parable.
    Creativity: 10
    Telling a story in the form of a parable. Very few in my reading experience did anyone ever employed this for Naruto. The creation tale echoes influences from the creation tales of the Native Americans. In addition, because of how the story is told, quite a few liberties can be taken by the writer. Well done.
    Characterization: 8
    I don’t see Naruto being the kind of person to ask for a bedtime story, taking into account all the years he spent alone as a child. Even if he did ask one from Jiraiya, I imagine the Jiraiya putting up a fuss, arguing that Naruto would be too old for such things before relenting.
    Them at the ending, however, were quite spot on in character.
    I can’t say much for the animals here, but your rendering of their characters in accordance to their cultural qualities and Naruto fiction were quite good, especially the cunning and deception of the Snake and the Fox.
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    For a Slice of Life theme, this is quite unorthodox. To me, it read more as a History of Life, rather than a slice.
    Total score: 32/40
     
  20. Ruri

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    Title: The End
    Style: 7
    Creativity: 9
    Characterization: 6
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    Total score: 28/40

    Title: Slipping Away
    Style: 6
    Creativity: 5
    Characterization: 7
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 25/40

    Title: Karma
    Style: 8
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 6
    Use of theme/prompt: 9
    Total score: 31/40

    Title: Reciprocity
    Style: 6
    Creativity: 7
    Characterization: 5
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 25/40

    Title: Tobi
    Style: 8
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 6
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 29/40

    Title: Where We Stand
    Style: 9
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 8
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 32/40

    Title: Little Things
    Style: 7
    Creativity: 6
    Characterization: 8
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 28/40

    Title: Sharp Teeth

    Style: 7
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 7
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 29/40

    Title: Under The Skin
    Style: 8
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 8
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Total score: 31/40

    Title: Butterflies and the Artist

    Style: 6
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 5
    Use of theme/prompt: 5
    Total score: 24/40

    Title: Bedtime Story
    Style: 7
    Creativity: 8
    Characterization: 5
    Use of theme/prompt: 5
    Total score: 25/40

    Title: The Nine Tailed Fox Set Free
    Style: 4
    Creativity: 6
    Characterization: 4
    Use of theme/prompt: 5
    Total score: 19/40

    Title: Masked
    Style: 7
    Creativity: 7
    Characterization: 6
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    Total score: 26/40

    Title: Could Have Been
    Style: 7
    Creativity: 6
    Characterization: 7
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    Total score: 28/40
     
  21. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: The Cunning Fox
    Style: 5

    Grammar and punctuation could use quite a bit of work here. Sentences run on, and certain others are written in fragments. Punctuation is either misemployed or absent, here and there. There’s also tense confusion. As I’ve said before, such things really detract from one’s reading. Read outloud and notice how your narrative flows, according to how you written it and employ the punctuation. Having your work proofread by others, if possible, is a definite plus.
    The narrative itself is alright. Keep writing to develop.
    Creativity: 7
    A story from the Kyuubi’s perspective being trapped in Naruto. Not entirely original, but not too common either.
    Characterization: 8
    Kyuubi here is quite good in his/its characterization. Though, I’d envision him to be more sinister in thought, at least in the brief times we see him speak in the manga. There’s not much for me to comment here or compare this to.
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    This story being written for the Bonds theme, I felt that quite more could have been touched upon between the Kyuubi and Naruto. This reads more of a Kyuubi reflection, instead of a Bonds story.
    Total score: 26/40
     
  22. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Capturing Emotions
    Style: 7

    The story had a few grammatical errors here and there, as well as tense inconsistencies. A thorough proofread by yourself and another would help out in this case. The reading flow of the narrative is quite smooth, however, but was disrupted by a few awkward sentences that had confusing structures and syntaxes. In addition, there were times where your use of the language was a tad too fancy. Simplicity would have worked just as effective in those cases, if not more so.
    Creativity: 8
    Sai paints a picture of Sakura, the narrative focusing on the perspectives of Sakura and Sai respectively. Using art was a nice way to explore the relationship between the two.
    Characterization: 7
    I can’t really see Sakura being this reserved, especially when Sai calls her, “Hag”. Of the Naruto characters, Sai is one of those that I expect Sakura to exercise less patience around. As for Sai, I have no complaints concerning his emotions with regards to his painting..
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    The interaction between Sai and Sakura over a painting. Quite an interesting way to explore a slice of life.
    Total score: 30/40
     
  23. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: To Never Be With You
    Style: 4
    I?ve said it multiple times by now, and I?ll say it again: basic grammatical mistakes really detract from one?s reading. This story has quite a number of grammatical mistakes, unfortunately all that should have been avoided. Some sentences run-on and would thus benefit from the application of a comma or a footstop. A thorough proofreading from another would really help the story.
    Creativity: 5
    Sakura reflects on her loss, and Naruto reflects on Sakura. Unfortunately, I?m not reading anything remotely original here.
    Characterization: 6
    Naruto, Hinata, and Ino?s characterization, as brief as the last two are, are quite good. Sakura?s, however, is both good and difficult to believe.
    Sakura?s characterization throughout the story was, for the most part, good. However, I can not remotely see her having such clich?d romantic thoughts from the first paragraph of the story. Omitting said first paragraph, the story?s characterization would be believable.
    Use of theme/prompt: 7
    Not bad for a Slice of Life. However, I felt that more could have been written to adhere to the theme more tightly.
    Total score: 22/40
     
  24. Comic Book Guy Retired Staff

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    Title of fic: Life Appreciation
    Style: 4
    Spelling is paramount in a story and more so in fanfiction, when you’re employing the names of fictional concepts, characters, locations, etc. Already, you misspelled “Konoha” as “Kohona”.
    There are a number of grammatical errors that render quite a number of sentences in this story awkward to read through. A number of run-on sentences should have been handled with commas or an early footstop; sentences that are incomplete should be properly expanded upon. Even some basic punctuation are missing here and there. It is best to both proofread your story by yourself and another and read it outloud as means to improve your story.
    With regards to the narrative, I find the opening parts to be a bit long and unnecessary, relevant to the actual “meat” of the story. I advise you to let up a bit, and not to stall too much for the establishment of the setting of your story.
    Creativity: 6
    Truthfully, other than writing about those who decided not to become ninja, there’s not much original creativity here for criticism and comment.
    With regards to your expansion, I find the name “Ms. Chip” to be highly out of place in the setting of Naruto, considering the writing system is in characters and that almost, if not all names are Japanese-derived. In addition, I don’t see why a course on English would be taught there as well.
    Characterization: 7
    There’s not too much overt showcase of one character over the other, so there’s not much to comment on and score. There’s no long set of established material to accurately and thoroughly determine Tenten’s personality and mannerisms, so writers can be a bit liberal in her characterization.
    Use of theme/prompt: 6
    The story did alright for a Slice of Life theme, but I felt more could have been done with regards to Tenten and the untaken path, so to speak. In addition, I find her appreciation for her shinobi life to be too abrupt, too sudden. You could have adhered to the theme more if you elaborated on Tenten’s gradual appreciation for the life she now has, in comparison to the “boring life”.
    Total score: 23/40

    --

    I believe that takes care of all the fanfics under the "Slice of Life" theme.

    And yes, I will continue to judge when time allows, to the best of my capabilities and management.
     
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    Title of fic: Snared by Duty
    Style: 5
    There’s quite an abundance of semi-colons, some at places where they are really not necessary. This constitutes several of the grammatical errors and awkward syntax, the remainder concerning with the use of tenses and its consistency throughout. Overall, the reading flow of the story could have been far smoother, instead of being hampered and rendered awkward by the use of numerous semi-colons. As basic as they are, the proper use of footstops and commas can be more effective than the fancy semi-colon.
    Creativity: 5
    Truthfully, there’s nothing overly creative in this story, with the exception of the mentioned prophecy. Even then, it’s not much, and count account for many points in this category.
    Characterization: 9
    It’s a character-driven story, and it captures Neji quite well. There’s nothing more for me to criticize here.
    Use of theme/prompt: 8
    The story adhered quite well to the theme of Duty, making use of Neji’s early contempt and bitterness regarding his status of being a Branch Member and Hinata as the clan heir. No complaints here.
    Total score: 27/40
     
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