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Self Harm

Discussion in 'Perspectives' started by Shikamaru-sama, Mar 1, 2005.

  1. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    hey, im posting this in here as its probably were the most intelligent people hang (bar myself :wink) so compliments to you all.

    Truth is, im worried and stuck :huh

    I found out that my girlfriend self harms when she gets angry, and she is always angry. She cuts her wrists with razor blades and knives and other assorted objects.

    thing is, she hates herself for doing it, because she thinks she is wrong, and she hates the scars and stuff.

    its not something i understand or can relate to so i really dont know what to do to help her, talking about it doesnt really work because she hates herself, and ive tried telling her how beautiful she is but she doesnt beleive me.

    ive honestly considered trying it myself just so i can understand that little bit better, but truth is, im scared shitless, and im scared that she is going to seriously hurt herself.

    any ideas/comments would be greatly appreciated.
     
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  2. xenex Mindless Student

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    Can't really help you with physical harm. I'm more of a screw myself over mentally person. If she's really concerned about it, there's always professional help, but I doubt most people would consider it.
     
  3. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    shika sama here's a thread that might help you

    Self-Injury / Cutting
     
  4. falconmain pocket pussy

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    its a self destructive cycle. pain tends to bring chemicals that compensate for the pain. In a way its a drug type relationship. kinda like some people need a smoke when they get tense. It is a very bad thing and I would try to get her to some professional help right away. That type of behavior can lead to suicide rather easily. on top of that it seems even without the hurting herself part she doesn't really like herself. I don't think hurting yourself is going to help if anything it might in a wierd way justify it to her. You want to stop the behavior so don't do it with her that will just make things worse. Alot of people hooked on drugs hate themselves for taking them but when they hate themselves for doing it it makes them want to take drugs even more to escape. I would try to get her to understand that she is a good person to stop punishing herself and start to accept and love herself. but most of all I would try to get her to get some professinal help. It could be because she is chemically unbalanced and that medication will get rid of this problem (though its not really that simple but you get the point). Hope this helps :) good luck bro.
     
  5. falconmain pocket pussy

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    thanks moe I don't know about that thread. :)
     
  6. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    this is the first time my memory was of good use, im glad i recalled where that thread is :)
     
  7. chojisama Kouromaru's Buddy Iba!

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    i understand her complety and all i can tell you its worse than a drug cuz it hurts
     
  8. Seraphim Immortally Insane

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    This usually occurs with the mentally unstable.
    People do this when they feel worthless and hurt. They use pain as a relief to replace what they feel inside. I should know, I have my own collection of scars.. well away from the wrists and neck mind you. (And that was a long time ago >_>).
    If she is going so far as slashing her wrists though its no wonder you worry.
    I feel she should seek some professional help and emotional support.
     
  9. laorquidia Love is.. over rated

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    I would suggest that your girl get some professional help, see a clinical psychologist or liscensed social worker. I don't know if that is something she would be willing to do, but if you are in college there are usual mental health services available, which are covered through your tuition. if she doesn't have insurance, there are other support groups which might be free. I think self-harm is a cry out for help - much like suicide. It would be better if your girl got help now before she hurt herself (either intentionally or unintentionally) fatally. You say she doesn't want to talk about it, but it might depend when or why you are bringing it up. For example, if you bring it up right after she's done it in a confrontational way, she probably isn't likely to want to talk about it. I know getting professional help is easier said than done, but if she is depressed then you might not be able to handle the situation by yourself.
     
  10. Mizura Meh

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    I really don't know these types of things well... However, if she cuts herself as a way of expressing agression, maybe you could try to get her to find another way to vent? Maybe have her take up boxing or some some other types of sports. Keeping oneself busy physically can be good against depression sometimes.

    Mostly though, she probably needs therapy...
     
  11. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    yeah, you all say proffesional help, but how do you help someone who doesnt want it? shes embarrassed and disgusted with herself for doing ity, and it took ages just to get her to promise that she wud tell me everytime she is about to do it.


    laorquidia, yeah youve got a point, and its soemthing im aware of, when i try and talk about it, its in a 'i just want to understand way'. i havnt told her to stop, in case she does it to spite me, and i havnt told her its wrong, because i hate the way she looks when she feels like that.
     
  12. falconmain pocket pussy

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    yeah the problem is that your very attached to this and anything you do has an impact on you and the person you care for. It is easy for us to say get help but to you your thinking about how would she feel if I tell her she needs help. its a completely different situation. All we can do is say what is obvious that she needs some help to stop a destructive behavior. What we can't do is tell you how to tell her since the only thing we know is she hurts herself. you know her better then us. It seems to me she is a reactionary just by how your talking so there are two options where you go in alone or you go in with a bunch of people that all care about her. Now this also depends on her relationships with other people. if its just you and her parents it might not work as well and you and a bunch of her friends. these are some thing to think about. In general at some point down the line you have to come with terms with what is actually happening. She is harming herself and most likely leading down a path that is very bleak and we can worry all we want about her feelings but if you never do anything that is not going to help anything.

    Maybe baby steps maybe an intervention these are things that I don't think any of us are really qaulified to tell you. maybe you should talk to a counselor that deals with these things. Ask them for advice but don't tell the counselor her name right away. I hope this helps.
     
  13. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    What your saying makes a lot of sense, and i know she needs help, but she wont even admit to herself what shes doing.

    Unfortunatly her parents and friends are 60% of the problem, so there is no help from there.

    the only thing i can think of is doing it myself, shock tactics kind of thing, and hope she sees what she is doing to herself.
     
  14. Hitomi_No_Ryu Lost in UkeNaru fantasies~!

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    A friend of mine does the same thing but she's getting help. Just stick by your girlfriend no matter what. The idea of someone out there caring about her well-being does a lot of help. Don't assume that this WILL lead to suicide. A lot people do this not to commit suicide but just to ease emotional pain.

    Remember that where she cuts her body is a factor you should look out for. Though she should get help professional help right now as it is...if her cutting lead to places where vital organs are located, its a lot more serious problem then you can handle by yourself.
     
  15. Kuresu Orochimaru's Son

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    So exactly what was that post about??

    ANyways, i knew a girl like that once.

    She didn't want to go to a psychiatrist either.

    She ended up doing so.

    but i for one knew why she started in the first place.

    Does she have some good friends, she has to hang out with people that love her for who she is. Prolly the most essential thing.
     
  16. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    wow, the many thread deletions has to be a record, cheers OU

    i talked to her earlier and shes refusing to go to councilling

    i really dont know what to do
     
  17. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Just be there or her (as I know you will). The fact she opened up and spoke to you about it is the first step to find a soluton for this problem. I dont know anything about this topic sadly and Ive never knew anyone that hurt themselves when they are angry. But when I am angry I try to shift my focus on smething else, take a jog, listen to music, write a song etc, anything to shift my focus. She needs to find something else to occupy her mind when she is enraged.

    and once again, my opinion might seem retarded as I have no prio experince in this matter, but I hope it might help
     
  18. Mizura Meh

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    ^ Well yeah, as I've said, maybe you can try to find her another way to vent her anger, like some combative sports of the likes (punching a bag should do her less harm than cutting herself...). If she's stressed, maybe you could try to find activities that would help her reduce the stress, maybe have her go to a few massage sessions or other relaxing things like that, anything to make her less angry.

    I'm sorry I can't help more... But it's admirable how you stick up for her when she needs it.
     
  19. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    thanks guys and gals, you really are helping me to understand it a bit more

    but now im even more worried, we agreed that she would tell me everytime she did it, and she just told me she did it again.

    this time there was no reason though, no anger or pain or need, she just had the blade and did it.

    im out of ideas
     
  20. biznotch New Member

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    You being there is helping in itself. I'm srry to say, i personally can't relate to this topic. However, like everyone said, there is professional help, I know there are plenty of help groups out there that deal with cutting. As for her refusing coucilling, maybe you should contact a help group, if there is one located near you, or a some sort of counselor and ask for some advice on how to convince her to get some help. Like falconmain, i'm not exactly qualified for this. But if i personally knew someone who inflicts self-harm and refused help, I would try contacting a counselor and get some advice on dealing with this experience, and on getting your girlfriend some help. I'm srry if this kind of repitive, but this is best advice i can give. : \
     
  21. xenex Mindless Student

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    It's a habit now. Like biting your nails when you're nervous and then just doing whenever the opportunity presents itself, although it doesn't compare to her case.
     
  22. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    now its becoming a serious problem, she is doing it just out of habit (or so t seems) I really recommend going to a counsler, YOU by yourself that is, eet with a counsler and discuss this issue with somone proffesionla who deals with this matter
     
  23. Swirlyeyedsamurai wOOt for hangovers!

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    I have to put in my two cents I've been in her shoes many times before and I hate seeing someone else where I always hated to be. Okay, so she cuts herself and feels ashamed, so she won't get counseling. Nor is she going to stop by her own will, because quite frankly, that takes way more inner strength than most of us have. I don't know if you can use all these suggestions, but I've got some ideas for you. Things I/my boyfriend had to do last semester to get things under control. . .

    One thing I'd try is getting as many sharp objects out of her immediate reach as you can. I assume that she's cutting herself either in her room or in the bathroom. So what you should do is get all the sharp stuff and put it somewhere out of reach, like someplace that when she's upset she'll have to work to get the razor blades/knives/whatever. Maybe if they're not in immediate reach, it won't happen as often. Another thing would be to try to find a safe spot in her room where she can't get ahold of anything to hurt herself with and ask her (or tell her, if you have to) to sit there when she feels like she needs to cut. That's something I forced myself to do whenever I started feeling the urge. I wouldn't let myself leave my bed until I'd calmed down. See if you can work something out with her.
    Maybe even ask her to start calling you before she cuts, when she's getting upset but hasn't acted yet. It might take some patience and work on your part, but if she calls you faithfully each time, you'll eventually be able to talk her out of it. Since she feels ashamed of cutting, if she's talking to you and can hear how concerned you are, she'll probably realize that by cutting herself, she's hurting you. And I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt you.
    What she really needs is to get some counseling. I know she refuses to go, but you've got to try everything you can to get her to go. One thing that might work is to go in by yourself first and have a session, and then the next time ask her if she'd come with you to your session for moral support. Tell her you're going to counseling for your own problems and that you'd like her to be there, that maybe it would help you if she knew everything that was bothering you. If you can get her in there with you, and talk to the counselor about how concerned you are about her, how much you love her, and how powerless you feel (and so forth), she'll see how you're hurting. And if she hears all this, there's at least a chance that she might stop and realize what she's doing to you and your relationship and maybe then she'll want to get some help.
    My final suggestion is a last resort kind of thing. If it gets to the point that you're scared she's going to take her life and you know you can't do anything to stop her, take her to the hospital and get her committed to the psych ward. She may be very angry at you at first, but if you bring her there, she'll be safe and watched over. And they'll require a psych evaluation and probably some counseling, which would be good for her. If after doing the evaluation they decide that she's a threat to herself, even if she wants to leave, they'll commit her. In the long run, it will be good for her, even though she'll be pretty upset about it at first.

    I don't know if that's any help to you, those are just all the things I went through last semester and the ways we dealt with them. I wish you the best of luck with her. Hang in there. You guys will get through this eventually. Keep us updated.
     
  24. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    wow swirly, that advice is brilliant, as is all the advice in this thread, i dont know how to thank you guys.

    i hink we might have had a breakthrough tonight, i made her promise to phone me before she cuts herself, like you suggested, and she promised. Then she actually did phone me! i was so proud of her.

    i asked her why, and her parents have suddenly announced that they want to move to Cape Town (wtFuck?) and that she was really angry and was going to do it. i asked her not to and she told me to hang up or she is going to do it on the phone.

    which she did.

    it was so hard listening to it. hearing her reaction as the blade went into her skin, and as she dragged it to make the cut, and her reaction to it when she saw the first drops of blood.

    but its a step forward right? i mean, afterwards we were talking about it and she cried and i cried and it she told me it felt good that she ahd someone with her through it.

    another interesting thing was that it was harder for her to do it knowing i was listening.

    maybe i should explain something i forgot to say by the way, me and my girlfriend live quite far away from each other, i live in Hartlepool, England and she lives in oxford England, thats a gap of about 3 hours.

    that just makes it harder though, because i cant help but feel that if i was there, she wouldnt do it, or she would do something different.

    still ruled out counselling though
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2005
  25. Kuresu Orochimaru's Son

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    The girl i knew did it in class once.

    Its a great thing that she tells you whenever she says it.

    But ask her if she can call you whenever she WANTS to do it.
    If you can talk her out of it. You'd be the man.

    Also, if you know someone from your family who are psychiatrists, then talk to them about it. Do it for her.

    EDIT: Hmm, i should have red swirleys post, it was so long.
    But i just basicly repeated her from a guys point of view as you can read.
    Sorry
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2005
  26. liz luvs u!!!

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    :nerve
    Not too sound offensive but what she's doing is a pathetic attempt to get people's attention. Your attention. Are u the only one who is helping her get through this? What about her family n friends? Do they have any part in this? I'm surprised that u r so willing to go through this with her n has not given up. Admirable reli. She's one lucky girl. :amuse

    I also have a friend who cuts herself n complain about how she is unhappy with her life n that nobody loves her. Stupid thing was that she is drop dead gorgeous, damn popular n smart too. In her case, a lot of people knew n we would all be extra nice to her, telling her to stay strong n blah, blah. But lately, I'm getting sick of it since she doesn't change at all. Today she will be like "Thank u everyone for being nice to me. I guess life is not so bad." but then 2morow she goes back to wallowing for self-pity. :nerve This has gone on for almost 4 years so don't blame me for being impatient. :notrust

    Maybe your girl needs to know that she's not the only one suffering. Counselling doesn't reli work from my experience but her own common sense should.
     
  27. Kuresu Orochimaru's Son

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    Theres difference between girls you know.
    Some do it for "the attention", while others do it because they really feel miserable. You can usually tell the difference.

    Shika cares for her and thats simply kudos.
    Stick with it to the end. If you can helpher stop and succed.
    Then there are no words for your achievement, respect and care for those that are dear to you.
     
  28. Shikamaru-sama Been here too long

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    okay, im being very being very careful not to flame or get angry, because you have your own views that can only be shaped by your eperience.

    i said earlier that her friends and family are a large part of her problems, for various reasons im not particularly interested in discussing, so your answer is no, she doesnt have anyone apart from me at the minute.

    there are a lot of differences between her and the girl you described.

    1) she has never once complained about her crap her life is, she is always smiling for other people and pretending to be happy so as not to offend them

    2) shes not overly smart :ninja

    3) she doesnt have anyone telling her to stay strong blah blah blah

    4) she doesnt wallow in self pity, she hates herself for what she is doing

    It took a LOT to get her to talk about this, and as such, i find it hard to beleive she does it to seek attention. She has all the attention (from me especially) that she needs.

    and your 'pathetic attempt at getting attention' was extremely offensive to her. dont judge her because of your friend.

    its not a case of common sense, its a cas eof a girl who has been through so much (and trust me, it is a lot) at the young age of 16 and doesnt know what to do anymore.

    so i would aprreciate it if you would recognise that not everyone is the same as your friend.

    *edit*

    thanks Kuresu :)
     
  29. Kaylani The Quiet Lurker Over There

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    I've been having a lot of trouble with friends suddenly seeming to be mentally unstable lately. I've had some luck convincing two of them to stop, but it all depends of their personalities.

    A slightly younger friend of mine used to cut her self because she was upset over her fathers death, which happened years ago. Typically, she's a happy person who loves to joke around and hold competitions on who can eat more ramen in one sitting. However, every now and then she'll suddenly stop talking and close herself to the world. Those are the days I have to pay close attention, because normally, she'll come back to school the next day with thin red lines on the sides of her neck. On those days, I try to do as many things as possible to make her happy and keep her distracted. Every now and then she goes the school's guidance office for counseling.

    Another friend tends to be much more difficult. She's very moody, and likes to beat on her friends a little on her bad days. She didn't have a bad past, but doesn't get along with her family. She enjoys being the center of attention, and sometimes cuts herself just to get people to feel sorry for her. Unlike my other friend, she sometimes proudly shows her scars. If you talk to her about them in a negative way, she'll either get upset or scratch you. Once, she clawed my hand and left marks that didn't fully go away till a month later. With her, my best luck has been talking about other things, as she rarely talks about stuff like that with me now days. Her parents have threatened to send her to a phyciatrist, but they always end up losing the arguement with her that ensues as soon as they annouce that to her. (Sadly, one of the main problems with her is that she honestly believes , or used to at least, that she is a wolf demon reincarnated, and that only blood can make her happy... I still have no clue what to do about that problem)

    Lately, I've been worried about a very close friend of mine. She used to plan on being a phyciatrist or a movie director, but lately, she's been acting odd. Unlike most of the other friends I worry about, she's in a bunch of honors classes with me, and is really intellegient. However, she constantly feels that she is nothing compared to her brother, and has some trouble with her parents. She was trying to tell me something all day today and kept holding the spot right above her wrist, but would always say that she thought too many people were around and that she would tell me later. I plan on figuring out what to do as soon as I find out exactly what's up.

    Basically, I think that what you have to do depends on the person. With some, a long talk might do, but with others it can be a lot harder. From what you've said it sounds like she's doing it because of mental anguish, not for attention. If I were you, I'd try begging her on my hands and knees to take up some kind of activity or something, as that can relieve a lot of stress and take your mind off of things.
     
  30. Kuresu Orochimaru's Son

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    I would actually try and avoid public activities.
    If we are talking sports and such, she may reveal her scars and seeing as you don't know the people there.It could end up with the person being left out of the group because of her problems. Worst case scenario would be them making her go nuts on them.

    Though if she is willing. I honestly suggest yoga or tai chi, its relaxing, it puts her thoughts into something else and she can cover up her arms with a long sleeved shirts.
    Join her, even if she doesn't ask, you should ask. You have to let her know that you are there for her. And it will make her feel better and more secure if theres a reliable person with her.
     
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