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The Legendary Bloodline [Manga Spoilers]

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Caitlyn Jenner, May 31, 2007.

  1. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    Its about time for me a to make a new FanFic...AMIRITE? But this one isn't a love FF, its more of a Action FF.I know there hard to write but thats why I looked at other people's FF's writing style.So I changed my writing style a lot.

    I'm going to make a few OC's(Orignal Characters) because...I always wanted to make my own Ninja :)

    Heres my first one
    Spoiler:
    Character one (Main OC)

    Name: Hugo

    Gender:Male

    Race: Kinda tan...mixed colored.

    Age:16

    Height:5’10 (size close to Naruto’s)

    Weight: 180 pounds

    Personality: Very lad back.

    Appearance: He has black spikey hair that’s in a pony tail. He has a dark red half - sleeved shirt. (imagine a white-tee without one sleeve). Really baggy kind of pants. He wears a Leaf Ninja head band with a cross through the leaf around his waist.

    To help you imagine my character.

    The first guy

    History: I will tell his history in the FF because I don’t want to spoil

    Bloodline/Clan: will tell in story.

    Jutsu Type: Fire/Earth but uses mostly taijutsu


    Second one.
    Spoiler:

    Name:Taichan (Tay - chan).

    Gender:Male

    Race: mixed colored.

    Age: 56

    Height: 5'7 (Hunched over back)

    Weight: 140 pounds..

    Personality:A wize old man...lol.

    Appearance:A very old looking man that wears black colored glasses.Always has a smoking pipe in his hand. He's bald, he has a gray mustache and a long beard.A wears a long monk like shirt but white, like Neji's.Under his long shirt is black pants and brown sandals.

    History: Not a really important character to have a History.

    Jutsu type: Earth

    -Important-: He's the Kage of Earth Village.
     
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  2. Vance Banned

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    Hmm, it sounds alright let me see chap 1 before commenting on it.
     
  3. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    i already have chapter one done though, but typed it at my school.So tomorrow i gotta send it to my e-mail,so chapter one will probably be up tomorrow.

    But i thought i sent it to my email...
     
  4. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    first and last bump.

    Chapter 1 will be here tomorrow.

    I demand a celebration.
     
  5. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    Chapter One: The Mission

    Chapter one:The mission​


    Spoiler:
    A Beautiful day in the Leaf Village. It was sunny and hot out, the birds was chirping, the streets was busy.Every ninja was out doing something.

    Naruto being Naruto was eating his every day ramen.But Naruto didn't get any missions lately.He's starting to think that he's becoming no use to Konoha.Sakura was always doing stuff for Tsunade and only God knows what Sai's doing.But still, Sakura and Sai still felt the same because they too haven't had missions.

    Kakashi and Yamato was doing Jounin stuff.Kakashi had recently did a B-ranked mission solo.Yamato was researching on the first Hokage's jutsu's.

    Naruto picks up strings of ramen from his bowl and says:
    "Damn, where is Pervy-sage when you need him.I'm soo bored i'll even do a D-ranked mission!".

    The owner of the ichriku ramen saw Naruto complaing."Whats wrong Naruto? Is somthing bothering you?".

    Naruto sighed."its nothing really, I just haven't got any missions lately." Naruto said.

    The old man smiled."Well if it makes you feel any better, I can give you a second bowl of ramen....for free."

    Naruto smiled and started to drool."Oh really? Your awesome old man!".Naruto grabbed his bowl and put it to his face.

    "Can you stop calling me old man? I makes me feel like i'm actually old". As soon as the old man was about to pour Naruto's second bowl of ramen Sakura showed up.

    "Hey Naruto, I have some good news!" Sakura said happily."What is it Sakura-chan?"

    "We finally have a mission!" Sakura said cheerfully.

    "Finally!" Naruto jumped out of his seat and started to run to Tsunade's office.

    The old man interupted."So asume you won't be having a second bowl?" the old man asked.

    As Naruto was running with Sakura he replied:
    "Yeah, I'm sorry old man!"

    Naruto and Sakura arrived at Tsunade's office.Sai was already there.Along with the two jounins, Kakashi and Yamato."What took you too so long?" Tsunade asked.

    Before Tsunade the two could answer, Tsunade started to talk about the mission.

    "Your probably why I brought all five of you here.This mission i'm about to assign you mgiht be one of the most dangerous." Tsunade said.

    Naruto,gasped then Sakura then everybody started to gasp in fear of this dangerous mission.

    "Is this an A-rank mission?" Kakashi asked.

    Tsunade answered:
    "Yes this is an A-rank mission........" Tsunade was interupted by the pink haired ninja Sakura.

    "Hold on Sakura! I was about to get to that.I recently got a letter from Earth Villages Tsuchikage.I says that they were attacked during the night."

    Tsunade hands the scroll to Kakashi to look over.Tsunade explains the mission.

    "Oh no...." the Hatake said.

    "What is it Kakashi-Sensei??" Naruto asked.

    "It says they say they might of been attacked by one of the.......Legendary Bloodlines"

    Sai, Sakura and Naruto look at each other in confusion.

    "A Legendary Bloodline?" Sakura asked.

    "The Bloodline is called Hikuga.Hikuga was the most powerful clan ever in clan history." Kakashi said

    "What happen to the clan Kakashi?" Sakura asked.

    Kakashi replied."They got eliminated......well not all of them"

    "What do you mean not all of them?" Naruto asked

    "Long ago when the 3rd was alive and the Hokage of the Village the Hikuga clan was the strongest clan in our Village..They worshiped a Gorilla God..."

    "Gorilla God?" Sakura said in his mind.

    "The Gorilla God was a statue.There God gave them enormous amount of chakra.But there chakra was different than any other chakra.There chakra was green and almost stronger than the nine-tails chakra.The third got woried that the clan could destroy this Village.So the third was gonna eliminate the whole clan.But then the Kyuubi attacked our Village and eliminated the whole clan...." Kakashi explained.

    Naruto looked down at his stomach, then grabbed it.

    "But there are rumours that one survived and left the Village" Tsuande said.

    "So what your trying to say that the one who survived, attack the Earth Village?" Sai asked.

    "They said there not sure."

    "He must be strong if the Earth Village needs our help."

    "This is why I you guys need to get down to the Earth Village quickly" Tsunade looked at the clock.

    "Right now its 9 AM, it takes 3 days to get to the Village.If you leave now you can get there around 7 PM." Tsunade said.

    "You five will stay in the Earth Village for four days, If your not back until then I'll send reinforcement"

    The five left Tsunade's office, and gathered items they needed for the mission.Once they all got there items the all met at the Konoha Gate.

    "Is everyone here?" Kakashi asked.

    "It seems like it" Yamato said.

    Jiriaya was also at the gate."Why are you here ero-sennin?" Naruto asked.

    "Naruto, whatever you do...don't let the Kyuubi take over." Jiraya told Naruto.

    Naruto looked down at his stomach then grabbed it "Why me?" Naruto thought in his head.

    Jiriaya looked at Naruto, then smiled "I'm sure you'll be alright." Jiriaya walk towards Kakashi and Yamato. Jiriaya put his hand in his pocket than pulled out 2 seals.

    "Use this if Naruto gets out of control." Jiriaya told the Jounins.

    Both of them nodded.

    "We should get going now" Sakura said.

    The Team started to walk the path.Naruto ran pass everyone.

    "Earth Village.. Here we come!"


    Next Chapter:The Mysterious Shinobi
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2007
  6. Vance Banned

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    Seems rather interestin, though some of it was rather rushed.


    I felt as if the transfer from the ramen shop to Tsunade's dwelling was sort of rushed. Maybe adding a scene where Naruto looks at his rmane, then at Sakura, and keeps looking at both. It'd be humorous, but not really necissary.

    You seem to not add a space after each "." For example, it should be like this.


    Naruto fiercely grasped the kunai with his bloodied hand. *space* He smirked, exchaling, trying to breathe normally. *space* Then, he slowly slipped off a branch he was holding with his other hand. *space*


    Not Naruto fiercely grasped the kunai with his bloodied hand.He smirked, exhaling, trying to breathe normally.Then, he slowly slipped off a branch he was holding his other hand.


    Use some more details, and give more personality info, Sai and Yamato said nothing the entire story, which was very short. Only 818 words, and 4,041 characters. Not too impressive. Try and extend each to 1,500 at the least.


    I would also like to understand how ninjas with such great chakra were easily defeated by the Kyuubi when yo said they were "nearly as strong as the Kyuubi" All in all, it was marginal, but I would like you to strive for "Excellent"


    Definately check out Kyon's Guide called "Writing Tips" You'll have a great fic within a matter of minutes. Also, how old are you? Kind of curious.

    Whoa, stay up all night dude, and I'll help you write the story...
     
  7. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    :wtf

    Vance posted, thx for advice.
     
  8. Vance Banned

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    No probs man. Waiting for the next chapter. I will be up all night, so uh... :beer Cheers man.
     
  9. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    I'll change chapter one a bit.
     
  10. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    I changed it a bit but only the Jiriaya scene.

    And is no longer a bear god, i changed it to a gorilla god. lol
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2007
  11. Vance Banned

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  12. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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  13. Vance Banned

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    ......Owww....
     
  14. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    im going to do part of chapter 2 today and other part tomorrow.

    I will try to make it 1k+ words
     
  15. Vance Banned

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    Cool, I'll be up all night to help ya out.
     
  16. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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  17. Vance Banned

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    Yo, I might make an OC fanfic too...
     
  18. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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  19. Vance Banned

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    I dunno, might not eve make one...
     
  20. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    ill hopefully have chapter 2 today.
     
  21. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    Chapter Two:Mysterious Shinobi

    I did really good on this chapter.It was 1.4k words and I also added a lot of details...much better than my first.

    But i still want to hear advice.

    Chapter Two: Mysterious Shinobi

    Spoiler:
    Team seven and Kakashi just reached the woods.They jumped tree to tree at a good pace.Well except for Naruto of course.Naruto was ahead of everyone,then came Sakura then Sai and Yamato at the end.It was quiet at the moment until Sakura had a question for Kakashi.

    "Hey Kakashi-sensei, what makes the Hikuga clan so special? I always thought the Hyuuga clan the best in the village".

    Kakashi turned his head and looked at Sakura."Well the Hikuga clan was a annihilated by the Kyuubi remember?"

    "Oh yeah that right" Sakura said.She only asked that question to get a answer for the question she wanted to ask.Sakura didn't want to admit that she was rather scared because of all of the things she from Kakashi and Tsunade about this clan.Sakura had the courage to ask the question she wanted to ask.

    "...So what if we meet with this person who has the the legendary bloodline?"

    "Well... We fight." Kakashi said.

    "Oh yeah I knew that..." Sakura's sadden as soon as he said that.Kakashi saw her sadden face.

    "Was you not expecting this...Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

    Sakura lied to Kakashi "Yeah I was..Just making sure".

    The conversation stopped between Kakashi and Sakura.It was quiet again like it was before.

    The group already was half way to the Village.So Kakashi being well planned thought they should rest for awhile.Usually Naruto would disagree with Kakashi, but he didn't. Sakura had a feeling why Naruto didn't disagree.Maybe he's afraid of they meet up with the person who has the bloodline.

    They all landed on the ground and everyone started to put up a tent.But something felt weird.Everyone had a weird feeling...a feeling when someones following you.

    Naruto heard rattling noises in a tree above him. "I gotcha!" Naruto said as he through a kunai at the bush.....A squrriel fell down with a kunai in its stomach.

    "NARUTO, YOU KILLED A SQUIRREL!!" Sakura yelled angrily at Naruto.Sakura curled her fist and punched in the head.

    "OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!! SAKURA-CHAN!"

    Sakura ran to the squirrel and took the kunai out of its stomach.It was barely alive.Sakura started to use one of her medical jutsu but Kakashi stopped her.

    "Sakura don't waste your time......We have company" Kakashi said nonchalantly.

    A Ninja jumped from the tree he was hiding in.He wore a gray mask of a bear but you could see his spikey hair behind the mask.He alsp wore a jounin vest like Kakashi and Yamato wore. "So you found me...Kakashi" the ninja said in a deep voice.

    Kakashi was surprised that he knew his name but he didn't show his emotion. "How do you know my name?" Kakashi asked.

    The ninja giggled a little. "I know a person, that knows you..."

    Yamato joined the conversation. "And what exactly do you mean by that?"

    The ninja didn't answer Yamato's question. "How about we stop the chit-chat and start this shit." The ninja said while he was withdrawing his sword.The sword wasn't big, it was a double-edged sword, like any ordinary sword.

    "You must have guts to take on all five of us" Yamato told the shinobi.

    "tch...you two talk to much". The Ninja charged towards Yamato.The mysterious shinobi swung his sword at Yamato.Yamato dodged then jumped back. "...He's fast..." Yamato thought in his mind.

    The ninja was surrounded by Kakashi and team seven.It was like a half circle, Kakashi was on the left, Sai,Sakura, Naruto was north from the ninja and Yamato was on the right side of him.

    The mysterious ninja was looking towards Yamato then turned his body and looked at Naruto.Then he pointed his sharpy pointed sword at the yellow haired ninja.

    "Your Naruto huh? The kyuubi kid". Naruto eyes widen. "How does he know my name?" Naruto said in his head.

    "..Just who are you?" Kakashi demanded a answer.

    Kakashi didn't wait for his answer, instead he ran towards the shinobi full speed.

    The masked ninja put hia hands together and used unknown hand seals that Kakashi wasn't familar of."Earth Style: Earth Shield Jutsu!"

    A huge that was shaped like an actually shield but sqaured rised from the ground.The rock shield almost hit Kakashi but he jumped over the shield.Now Kakashi was hovering over the ninja in the air.The shinobi jumped and quicky swung his sword.Kakashi quickly took a kunai and protected him self agaisnt the sword.The kunai and the sword clashed, you could hear a huge noise of it far away.

    Kakashi jumped back.He looked at his kunai and saw a part of it was chipped. "..He's strong" Kakashi thought in his head.He dropped the kunai and grabbed a new one from his small bag of projectiles.Kakashi ran towards the ninja with full intent of killing him.

    "Same attacks don't work on me twice Kakashi" The ninja said as he was also running towards his opponent.Both of them was running at the same speed, the speed was quite fast.So fast if they clash it would look like one of them was going to die.

    Kakashi and this mysterious ninja was close enough to talk to each other."Me...neither" Kakashi told the ninja.Under the mask of unknown ninja he was confused because he didn't know what Kakashi meant.The bear masked shinobi swung his sword fast in a weird way.Kakashi couldn't predict where the sword was going to hit him.

    The two clashed and made a loud ripping noise.A noise you would hear if someone gotten slashed by a sword.

    "Kakashi-Sensei!" Naruto yelled. Naruto couldn't clearly see the two because of the dust they made.

    Finally the dust cleared.Kakashi was behind the shinobi and the shinobi was behind Kakashi as if they ran right past each other.Kakashi was holding his kunai in his right hand and the ninja was holding his sword in his left hand.

    A gush of blood came from the back of Kakashi. "Hahahaha..I expected more of a fight from you Kakashi." The mysterious ninja said in evil matter.Kakashi collasped to his knees.

    "Oh no, Kakashi-sensei" Sakura cried.Sakura took a step then stopped "I can't take him what if he's the guy with the Hikuga bloodline!" Sakura thought in her head.

    The unknown shinobi pointed his sword towards the group of chuunins."Your turn!". The ninja charged toward the group.

    "Oh no you don't" Yamato said.Yamato stepped in front of the three chuunins to protect them.Naruto surprisedly stepped in front of Yamato and started to run towards the mysterious shinobi. "I'll kill you all!" he said.

    As soon as the ninja started to swing his sword at Naruto he was stopped in his tracks.He looked down and saw a hand grabbed on his ankle....It was Kakashi's!

    "What the hell? I killed you!" the mysterious ninja said in confusion.He turned around saw the other body of Kakashi poof away.

    "A shadow clone? I underestimated you Kakashi, but you can't take me down with Earth!"

    The bear masked shinobi jumped a inch or two and pulled Kakashi straight out from the ground.Then quickly jumped back.Kakashi was in front of the rest of the group.

    "you know Kakashi...your starting to piss me off!" The ninja said in loud deep voice.Kakashi walked forward, Yamato too. "I would like to finish this fight...he's starting to piss me off also". Yamato stepped back.

    The shinobi ran towards Kakashi with his sword of his head. Kakashi went in his defensive stance with two kunais in his hand.The sword of the unknown shinobi hit Kakashi's kunais hard.

    The power of this shinobi's sword was pushing Kakashi back. "He's overpowering me.." Kakashi said in his mind.

    Kakashi stepped back and tripped over a root that above the ground.Kakashi fell on his back and dropped his kunais. "I gotcha!" the evil ninja said.The ninja's sword was over Kakashi's heart. "Your done for..Kakashi". The ninja tried to stab Kakashi's heart but he grabbed the sword.Kakashi's right hand was bloody.

    Naruto saw the trouble Kakashi was in. "I gotta help sensei!" Naruto ran towards his sensei. "Naruto stop! I can handle this" Kakashi told Naruto.

    "Confident Kakashi? You made the wrong move!" the ninja said while trying to stab his heart.The sword was getting close to Kakashi's heart.Kakashi had to think quick. "I got it!" Kakashi said in his head.

    Kakashi put the left hand up and started to do a jutsu, with one hand.Naruto was surprised that Kakashi could do that.

    "Fire style: Fireball Jutsu!" Kakashi blew multiple fire balls at the face of the mysterious ninja.

    "My mask! My mask! Its burning my face!" The ninja walked back from Kakashi trying to avoid anymore fireballs.The unknown ninja dropped his sword and fell to his knees.

    Kakashi picked up his sword and walked around the ninja.The ninja was blind so he didn't see Kakashi walk behind him.

    Kakashi quickly stabbed the sword in the back of the ninja.The ninja cried in great pain...then slowly stopped.He was dead.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2007
  22. Vance Banned

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    Hmm, the story itself was rather good, and the grammar was marginal.

    You should ALWAYS put a space after a period, comma, or basically anything, though. Much better than the other chapter.
     
  23. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    how about the fight scene?

    I put alot of tiem and thought into that part.
     
  24. Vance Banned

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    It was impressive, and it flowed rather well. I'd say this was your best writing yet, just make spaces after every exclaimation mark, period, comma, etc...
     
  25. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    I wanna have your kids Vance.
     
  26. Vance Banned

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  27. Caitlyn Jenner Nightcrawler

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    chapter 3 friday...why no one wanna read my FF :(

    people only like love shit these days...

    ..ill have to add a NaruSaku scene(not sex) in my next chapter
     
  28. Vance Banned

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    You must produce a Kankuro Temari scene. :angry Plwease? :(
     
  29. DethStryque *Murderous Intent*

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    It was pretty good i like'd the detail of the fighting.....the choice of words could of been chosen better....but i enjoyed the story could improve it a little better but all in all its pretty good
     
  30. Vance Banned

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    I agree with DS a bit as well...
     
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