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The Pervert Ninja: An Epic Tale

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Foxtrot Neji, Oct 21, 2005.

  1. Foxtrot Neji Her Majesty's Pain in the Ass

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    This is the first Naruto fic I?ve ever written. Unfortunately for you all, FF.net has the damn wait time before I can submit the fic, plus I kinda like it here ? so I guess I?ll place it in this forum first. Updates come often, so please check back often and tell your friends (or hated enemies if you like).

    The story takes place immediately after Gaara?s revival in the manga (chp 280). Even if you haven?t read the manga, as long as you have a general understanding of Naruto, it shouldn?t be too hard to follow. Enjoy

    The Pervert Ninja: An Epic Tale

    PART I

    Prologue ? Disturbing Revelations! Kankurou is up to Something!

    Near midnight in a desert canyon, miles away from Hidden Sand Village?

    Kankurou turned and confirmed he was the only lifeform in the jagged wasteland. Who would even waste time in a dump like this, he thought. They were all busy celebrating the return of Kazekage Garaa back at the village, too excited to bother with Kankurou?s ?sudden need for urination? as he had put it. Only Hyuuga Neji had raised an eyebrow but had not followed. The rest of the village and the Konoha guests would be absentmindedly partying the night away. No one had asked why he needed to bring Karasu along, or why he couldn?t use the village restrooms and instead insisted on walking miles out into the desert for a leak.

    Well, enough of that. He couldn?t get his jollies on worrying about inconsequential crap. The Jounin took off Karasu?s strap and opened a hidden compartment. Various objects leaked out ? medical tape, poison cartridges, kunai?Where the hell did I put it??ahhh! Here we go?hehehe

    At the same time, on a cliff overlooking the canyon?

    A Byakkugan blazed brightly as Hyuuga Neji stood silently observing the scene. Puppet bastard?I knew something was up, he thought to himself. He had already seen the various weapons dispersed from the secret puppet compartment, but what really got on his nerves was the wind, carrying Kankurou?s malicious laughter through the canyon. ?Hehehe?? He hated that laugh, and knew there were no pleasant intentions attached. Neji turned, knowing what he had to do. A windmill shuriken appeared from his robe interior as he slowly descended the cliff.

    At the canyon bottom...

    ?Hehe?now this is the LIFE!?
    Kankurou sipped a beer as assorted items lay strewn around the makeshift campfire. He reached an arm lazily into the pile and with one hand, pulled out what appeared to be a brand new magazine, the other placed firmly somewhere in his pants.
    ?Karasu, check. Sand Village rations, check?Naughty Ninjas volume 25, you better check that, Kankurou, you stud!?
    He began to leaf through the magazine, salivating at the pictures.
    ?Ooo, there?s Katsuragi-san?Ayanami again this month??DAMN, another fine pic, Miss Asuka, WOOF WOOF!!!! Damn I?d like to-?
    His loud, loud monologue was cut off by a sudden ?Ahem.?
    ?What the hell are you up to?? asked Neji.
    ?Uh?? Kankurou stuttered, thinking fast and still holding the mag. ?I-am-a-pup-pet?Kan-ku-rou-is-not-in-the-vicinity-he-is-taking-a-major-piss- ?
    ?Then why are you doing the robot??
    Kankurou stopped moving his limbs mechanically. Thinking was never his strength.
    ?Neji, is it? Well?what are YOU doing here?! Eh? And with a shuriken no less!?
    Neji coughed.
    ?Ten Ten gave it to me as a birthday present last year.?
    ?Riiiight, right?like I?m supposed to believe-?
    Neji slammed the shuriken into the ground, sending specks of sand and dirt everywhere.
    ?Cut the stalling. What are you doing here? And what?s that in your hand?new invasion plans? Didn?t you learn from ?last time???
    ?For the love of?they aren?t those kind of plans, it?s top secret?now get the hell away from me!?
    ?You?re not getting away that easily,? Neji replied. Out of nowhere, Hyuuga hands shot out towards the magazine.
    ?GIVE?ME?THE?DAMN?PLANS!!!?
    Kankurou tugged it back fiercely. ?Over my dead body!?
    ?If it comes to that, so be it!? yelled Neji.
    ?AARRGGH!!?
    ?AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!?
    And just like that, the magazine flew up in the air, falling to the canyon sand. A single, clear image at the back of the issue stared back at them. Kankurou?s eyes widened as he backed away from the horror.
    ?AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!?
     
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  2. Foxtrot Neji Her Majesty's Pain in the Ass

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    Chapters 1-4

    Chapter 1 ? Unknown Pictures! The Secrets Behind the Chuunin Exam!

    3 years ago, a Chuunin exam was held to determine whether or not genins from the major shinobi villages of the world were deserving of promotions to the next level. The third task of the exam prompted two genin to do battle in front of thousands of potential clients. Needless to say, many of them were impressed. Some wanted to hire the genin right away, some spoke in excessive superlatives about the amazing crop of young talent that year, and some were just left plain speechless. However, when the curvacious Temari of the Hidden Sand stepped into the stadium, the crowd response was zombie-like and unaninimous.

    ?Legs!?
    ?Leeegs?
    ?LEGS?
    ?L-l-legs?
    ?Her legs?oh my God?
    ?LEEEGGGSS?
    ?Legs...?

    After the battle, throngs of top modeling agencies flocked to her, asking her to be the face of their company.
    ?Dammit fools, don?t you know I got a village to destroy in 5 minutes??
    ?But Miss Temari, your legs?gah, I?m hypnotized??
    ?WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??!!?
    ?AAAHH! Please don?t hurt me??
    ?And you pay ZERO attention to my rack??
    ?I know, I?what??
    ?And my ass, too, I can KO steel with that-?

    Suffice to say, she overaggressively declined. Three years later, unbeknownst to Temari, several naked pictures of her surfaced in Naughty Ninjas, the number one incredibly perverted magazine choice of hyperactive Hokage-wannabe genins, though no one knows how they got there. Now it?s only a matter of time before the whole world finds out?

    Chapter 2 ? Making Good Use of Byakkugan! Akamaru?s New Hidey Hole!

    Rock Lee sat next to the tranquil pond, gazing not at the sparkling fish, but a magazine, and firmly gazing indeed. On the back read Naughty Ninjas, volume 25.
    ?Lee, there you are!?
    No answer.
    ?LEE!!!!?
    ?
    ?LEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!?
    ?What, what is it, Gai-sensei?!?
    ?Get ready for your mission with the other Leaf shinobi, you?ll be taking off any minute!?
    ?O-okay, Green Lantern ninja,? Lee answered in a faraway voice. ?I?ll be ready in the springtime of youth and all that junk-?
    ?Dammit, Lee! Concentrate! Remember, your youthful sensei won?t be with you on this mission!!!?
    Gai flashed a dazzling smile, gave Lee a giant thumbs up and sprinted back to the village, passing by several ninja along the way.
    ?What?s up Lee??
    Naruto, Neji, Sakura, and Kiba waited for an answer.
    ?YO!? Kiba yelled.
    Lee turned around, and went back to flipping through the pages. Half of his face was bright red.
    ?Oh?you guys.?
    Sakura frowned. ?Hey, what happened to the curry-crazed, sugarhigh Lee? We?re about to go on a serious mission you know! You shouldn?t be wasting-?
    Naruto cut her off.
    ?Oooo, dattebayo!?is that what I think it is? NO KIDDIN, volume 25, SWEET!!! Oooh, nothin gets better than nekid blondes and my tons of testiclosterone, hehehe?? Naruto ripped the magazine out of Lee?s hand, pages of naked girls falling everywhere as the boys started crowding around him. ?Come to Kyuubi, baby?oh yeah??
    ?Am I the only one who finds this UTTERLY REPULSIVE?? Sakura shouted.
    ?Byakkugan! I love my bloodine...?
    ?Oh, the green beast?s beast is gonna explode anytime now!?
    ?Okay, I guess so.? Sakura tossed her pink hair defiantly. ?Those girls can?t be ninjas ?cos their boobs weigh them down so much, you know. There?s no sense in ogling-?
    ?Boobies??
    ?BOOBIES, dattebayo??
    ?Byakkugan! Oh ho, yes?bigger boobies??
    ?Good God.? Sakura looked at Kiba, surprised. ?What the?why aren?t you getting turned on by this? Oh don?t tell me ? your clan doesn?t have to get castra-?
    Kiba shook his head.
    ?Nah, that?s just for the dogs.? He was looking at the pages like the others, only he didn?t seem to have much interest. ?They?re just like any other shinobi to me.?
    Lee eyed him suspiciously.
    ?Then what?s that balloon-sized thing swelling on the front of your pants??
    ?Do we even want to know??
    ?I?m definitely not Byakkugan-ing that??
    Naruto cleared his throat.
    ?Ahem?I believe the correct term is that our friend Kiba here is experiencing what we intelligent and mature ninja refer to as a bone-majigg??
    ?Pervert!? yelled Sakura, sending him flying with her fist. She turned around to face Kiba. ?Closet pervert!!!?
    ?Geez, relax guys.? Kiba began to unzip his pants?
    ?For the love of Byakkugan!?
    ?as Akamaru bounded out of his crotch region barking happily.
    ?Well, that?s a relief,? said Naruto, rubbing his temple. ?At least we know Kiba here?s missing his balls-?
    Sakura looked revolted. ?That is so incredibly disgusting, I can?t finish this sentence-?
    ?Hey! It?s just Akamaru?s new hidey-hole, is all.?

    Chapter 3 ? White-Haired Morons! The Last Bit of Sanity Men Have!

    ?Hidey-hole?? coughed Neji, as the dog bounded around chasing mosquitoes. ?Now I regret stuffing myself on sushi before missions??
    Naruto shook his head and laughed. ?I don?t get what?s the big deal. The important thing is?BOOBIES, dattebayo!!!? He began to pick up the scattered Naughty Ninja pages off the ground as two serious-looking white-haired ninja appeared.
    ?Oh, thank God you?re here Kakashi-sensei,? said Sakura.
    ?Sorry folks?today I got lost on the path of OHMYGODGIVEMETHAT-?
    Kakashi viciously grabbed what was left of the magazine out of Naruto?s reach, and stared it down intently.
    ?And there goes the last bit of sanity men have,? croaked Sakura helplessly, shaking her head.
    ?Now Sakura,? Kakashi replied, without even looking at her. ?You know I?m going to confiscate these inappropriate materials right away?these?very?very inappropriate pictures?of?hot?hot young?girls??
    The white-haired man behind him knocked the crowd over like bowling pins.
    ?Did someone say HOT YOUNG GIRLS??!!! Only the master of super perverts, Jiraiya the Horny, can handle such a delicate situation with such care!? He proceeded to do a funky dance, somehow accompanied by unexplained Chinese opera music.
    DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!
    ?Where?s that music coming from?? asked Kiba. ?And is it just me, or does that girl in that pic right there look like that kunoichi with the fan, whatshername??
    ?Hmm.? Lee looked it over carefully?and sweatily. ?K-kind of d-does?but why is she asleep, and the place is so dark? I almost can?t see her-?
    ?Who CARES, dattebayo?! She?s NEKID!!!? yelled Naruto happily, high-fiving Jiraiya. Sakura stared at them.
    ?How can you all be such PERVERTS!!! Jiraiya-sama, how can you drool over girls FORTY years younger than you??
    Jiraiya eyed her closely and let out a booming laugh. ?My my, you have much to learn my delicious - I mean?young Sakura. What a foolish question unbefitting of a Chuunin! If one can do it with frogs, one can certainly do it with teen girls!?
    DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!
    Everyone stood there for what seemed like an eternity. It was Neji who broke the silence.
    ?I really regret the sushi now.?

    Chapter 4 ? Attention Big Fans of Universe! Super Fantastic Mission To Invade Unknown Facility 11 Followed By Incredible Action Inspection of Crazy Number 12 Facility!!!! No One Dies, But Action to Maximum Are You Ready For Supreme Excitement Explosion?! Why Japanese Use Long Titles Me Not Know

    Kakashi hastily tried to change the subject.
    ?Now folks?we have a mission at hand. I?ll be the temporary holder of these illicit pornographic documents.?
    ?Over my fat, frog-smelling dead body,? muttered Jiraiya.
    Sakura yanked the papers out of their hands and tore them to shreds.
    ?THERE?I hope you?re all happy, cos I know your privates AREN?T.?
    The men stared at the scene, aghast.
    ?Sakura!? boomed Jiraiya angrily. ?This immature act deserves severe consequences! Head for my motel room at once with a see-through skirt and three beers - here?s my room key??
    ?No way! We?re going to accomplish this mission as we were told!?
    ?Who gave us this mission by the way, Kakashi?? asked Kiba.
    ?If I remember correctly, it was direct from the Hokage?s office. I?m sure you?ve all been briefed.?
    Everyone nodded their heads except Lee.
    ?Uh, I was sidetracked by some personal issues, Kakashi-san.?
    ?More like self-pleasure issues,? Sakura snorted.
    ?Then I?m only going to repeat this once,? sighed Kakashi. ?Straight from the office?:

    To Jiraiya-Sannin,Hatake Kakashi, Hyuuga Neji, Inuzuka Kiba, Haruno Sakura, Rock Lee, and Uzumaki Naruto:

    You have been ordered to inspect two warehouses, Facility 11 and Facility 12, in close proximity to the Hidden Village of Sand. As the current Kazekage is still recovering in the hospital with the village?s best ninja at his side, their scout and reconnaisance forces are limited. The Sand have agreed to allow us access to these two facilities, placed about 85 miles southeast of their village in a large oasis. Word has it that they are producing illegal weapons against the Sand in need of immediate removal. Unconfirmed reports indicate the compound is led by one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. Mission success will result in 50,000 per ninja, and free Ichiraku coupons.

    This mission has been rated A. Good luck.


    ?Ooo, Dattebayo!? Naruto grinned. ?More free ramen, that?s the next best thing to being NEKID!!!?
    ?Just how long can you last on that stuff, Naruto?? laughed Kiba. Akamaru barked in agreement.
    ?What, nekid boobies??
    Kiba smacked his forehead.
    ?Class A, huh?? Neji smirked confidently. ?With all these skilled ninja, it?ll be a cakewalk.?
    ?Hmm?Class A opponents are always a hassle, eh Kakashi??
    The copy ninja nodded. ?Always, Jiraiya-sannin.?
    ?Oh please,? laughed Naruto. ?Whether it be learning Rasengan or getting laid by Sakura, it?s just another easy step in my quest to become Hokage!?
    Sakura punched him in the face again. ?If only I had a nickel everytime I heard that??
     
  3. Foxtrot Neji Her Majesty's Pain in the Ass

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    Chapters 5-8

    Chapter 5 ? Objective Sighted! A Ninja?s Plan!

    Seven ninjas and one dog leapt through the dense forest between the two allied villages.
    ?Hey, Kakashi let me out on the way.?
    Oh, sorry Pakkun. Okay, seven ninjas and two dogs.
    ?WOOF WOOF! The legendary frog-hermit likes what he sees flying high above women?s dresses!?
    Okay, three dogs.

    At midnight, they arrived at the edge of the forest, where the land turned to sand, and unforgiving miles of dark wasteland. They did not have to stray out of the trees to find the target. A quarter mile away from the forest edge lay a large oasis, glittering in the desert. Two small warehouses lay next to each other uncomfortably, as if they had been forced upon the location against their will.
    ?What a beautiful place,? whispered Sakura.
    ?Don?t even be comparing it to the beauty of 18-year-old hips,? Jiraiya scowled.
    ?Neji? Do you find this location a little too?inviting??
    But Neji did not hear Kakashi?s words. He was focused instead on the two dozen muscular shinobi guarding the compound?s only door, on the side of Facility 12.
    ?What do you think of this, Akamaru?? Kiba asked.
    The tiny pooch gave an uneasy bark and popped his head back under Kiba?s waistline.
    ?Hm, Akamaru? You smell ?evil perfume???
    Naruto snorted. ?I think your dog?s been spending too much time in your crotch.?
    Kiba gave him the finger.
    ?Look?when my dog is whimpering and scared shitless, it always means the same thing. He?s warned me of Gaara?s power, he?s warned me of Ukon and Sakon?s abilities, he warns me of Lee?s daily sake-induced naked rampages??
    ?Uh, could I borrow that dog when we get back, Kiba?? Neji interjected.
    ?Could we sort that out some other time?? muttered Lee angrily.
    ?Whatever, perverts. Let?s get back to the mission.?
    After everyone had done their preliminary scouting, Kakashi and Jiraiya motioned them together, agreeing on a plan.
    ?Remember,? said Kakashi. ?We are here to inspect as ninja, not fight as ninja. Once we?ve scouted our objective, we will return to Konoha. Now, Jiraiya will ? wait, where?s Naruto??
    About a quarter mile away, a lone ninja rushed towards the facility guard.
    ?You BASTARDS! I?ll kill you ALL!!! DATTEBAYO!!!!!!!!!?
    ?NO!? yelled Jiraiya, as the rest followed quickly. Battle was now inevitable.

    Chapter 6 ? Frightened Jiraiya! The Worst Opponent!

    Naruto stood fiercely across the entrance doors of Facility 11.
    ?C?mon, you muscleheads! Why don?t you be real men and face me?!?
    One of the guards waved a pink handkerchief in reply
    ?Oh my gosh Brad, I?m like, so scared!?
    ?Yeah, my high heels are quaking, boo hoo.?
    ?Hun, do you even know who you?re dealing with??
    Suddenly, all the color went out of Jiraiya.
    ?What?s wrong, Jiraiya-sannin?? asked Sakura, worried.
    ?I?I forgot something at home?I have to go back?my frogs need care??
    ?Dammit,? Kakashi muttered. ?They must have known he was coming, so they prepared accordingly.?
    ?What are they?!? Neji demanded as his Byakkugan blazed. ?I?ve never seen these ninja before.?
    ?Jiraiya-sannin?s worst opponent, the only ninja he has never defeated ? the Mascu-nin.?
    ?That?s right, sweetie,? replied one of the guards. ?We?re gonna treat you boys right!? Jiraiya ran away screaming into the forest.
    ?Sparkly no Jutsu!?
    ?Homosexy no Jutsu!?
    ?Ugly Man-icure no Jutsu!?
    ?Steel Worker Outfit no Jutsu!?
    ?Richard Simmons no Jutsu!?
    Within moments, Lee was covered in stinging perfume, Neji had grown enormous lips and breasts, Sakura sprouted nails the size of tree limbs, Kakashi was surrounded by shadow clones of a sweaty man in overalls and nothing else, and Kiba was getting molested by Akamaru, who had turned into some kind of energetic half-ape, half-man who kept repeating exercise mottos.
    ?What do you think of us now, doll?? asked one of the Mascu-nin, smiling sweetly. Naruto felt a flicker of fear but stood his ground. Think Naruto, think, dattebayo! There has to be a way!
    And then the answer came?so simple, so obvious! Too bad Neji was the one who thought of it.
    ?Naruto! use Sexy no Jutsu!?
    ?Of course! Thanks Hinata!?
    ?It?s Neji, dumbass.?
    ?Right, Neji!?SEXY NO JUTSU!? And with a POOF!, Naruto transformed into a sultry, naked blonde, blowing seductive kisses to all the guards. The mascu-nin screamed in agony.
    ?A?n-n-naked?g-g-g-irl! They?re using super forbidden techniques!?
    ?Their power is like, SO beyond ours?come on boys, let?s shoo.?
    ?Oh my gosh, they scratched my man purse! I?m outta here!?
    As the last of the mascu-nin fled into the forest, Naruto pumped his fist in the air.
    ?Yes! Way to go?uh?dude with no irises. Of course, Sakura could?ve just taken off her clothes and saved us all the trouble-?
    ?Would you shut up? I?m already trying to dispel these jutsu effects!?
    Neji scowled. ?We still haven?t accounted for the Mist swordsman yet.?
    ?And look who?s on cue,? said Kakashi, pointing towards the warehouse.
    Two enormous figures emerged out of the entrance doors. A deep, dark growl of a voice answered the leaf ninjas.
    ?Enough. It...ends?NOW!!?

    Chapter 7 ? A New Foe! The Unique Swordsman!

    ?Someone explain to me why EVERY damn Mist ninja has a huge-ass sword, a nasty attitude, and an affection for kids who I don?t even know are boys or girls but would die for them for no reason??
    ?Calm down, Naruto,? Kakashi warned. ?You are facing Itadari the Flameshadow. That second shadow there isn?t a person?it is a sword.?
    ?CORRECT!? boomed Itadari, holding the majestic blade high in the air. ?WHO NEEDS LUSCIOUS LITTLE BOYS WHEN YOU HAVE THE MIGHT OF FINE STEEL!?
    Sakura?s mouth flew open.
    ?W-what?? shouted Lee, amazed.
    ?It must weigh well over two hundred pounds!? gaped Kiba. Akamaru growled under his pants. ?My bad, three hundred. Three HUNDRED!?
    ?AH, SO YOUR PENIS TALKS TO YOUAS WELL?!?
    ?The sword,? continued Kakashi, trying his best to change the subject. ?Is the Oni blade, Kazuhime-?
    ?Hmm, so he is unique for a Mist dude,? cut in Naruto.
    ? ?which he forged with the help of his 12-year-old boy lover Akinori.?
    ?Never mind.?
    ?AKINORI!? boomed Itadari. ?WHAT A GREAT CHILD?IT IS TRULY SAD THAT HE HAS NOT SURVIVED TO WITNESS DAYS SUCH AS THIS.?
    ?Hmm, looks like a fight is unavoidable then,? Kakashi chuckled, as he lowered his headband protector.
    Lee put up his fists and readied into combat stance. ?The beautiful green beast of Konoha is ready for anything!?
    ?You won?t be getting past us!? yelled Sakura, adjusting her gloves.
    ?No one can stop my path of becoming Hokage!?
    ?Akamaru and I are gonna enjoy beating the crap out of you!?
    ???
    ?Neji? What about your battle slogan??
    ???
    ?NEJI?! Hey man, what?s wrong with you??
    The Hyuuga stood still, gaping at Itadari.
    ?You?re?what happened to your skin?? he finally asked.
    ?WHAT ABOUT MY SKIN? THE LITTLE BOYS LOVE IT.?
    Slowly, the others began noticing.
    ?What an odd clan he must be from,? wondered Kakashi.
    ?Yeah, I?ve never seen that condition before,? said Sakura, fingering through her pocket medical dictionary.
    ?WHAT?S THE MATTER WITH YOU LEAF MORONS? HAVEN?T YOU EVER SEEN A BLACK MAN IN KONOHA BEFORE??
    His comment was answered by mumbling and head shakes.
    ?Not really, can?t say I have.?
    ?What?s a black man? You look more brown than anything??
    ?Yeah I agree?he must be an ALIEN, dattebayo!?
    ?Does that mean you?re black inside then? Whoa, wait till Tsunade-sensei hears about this!?
    ?SHUT THE HELL UP FOOLS! IT?S TIME TO GET IT ON!!!? The Mist swordsman pounded the sword in the ground, emanating rivers of white hot chakra from the blade as patches of dirt and sand flew into the air.
    ?Jump now!? yelled Neji.
    ?HA! IT WILL NOT BE THAT EASY.?
    Suddenly, the chakra rivers attached themselves like solids to the pieces of airborne earth. The white hot chakra engulfed the dirt and sand, and, with one murderous swing of Kazuhime, were sent flying in the direction of the shinobi.
    ?NOBI NO JUTSU! (Flame field technique)?
    Within seconds, the leaf ninja lay on the ground, most of them with heavy burns.
    ?ARROGANT FOOLS. LEARN TO FIGHT SOMEONE YOUR OWN PITIFUL SIZE FOR A CHANGE??
    ?Would that be me??
    DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!
    Itadari turned his head and took an unconscious step backward. Jiraiya had returned.

    Chapter 8 ? Old Rivals Clash! Neji?s New Ultimate Technique!

    ?JIRAIYA! WE MEET AGAIN, AND FOR THE LAST TIME!?
    The Sannin leapt into the charred desert battleground.
    ?That you are correct on, old friend. Let us fight man to man, like we always have!?
    ?LIAR! YOU HAVE ALWAYS USED THAT DAMN FREEBASING FROG TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK!?
    ?Say what??Kuchiyose no Jutsu!? In seconds, an enormous toad with a blue robe and pipe appeared behind Jiraiya. He yawned and took a step back. ?Okay Gamabunta, I?ll give you more Sake and cocaine once you beat him, I?ll be taking a nap, good luck.?
    The toad turned around and shot him a sleepy look.
    ?Jiraiya-mon, that ain?t gonna fly wit me mon, I feel like hazy mon, gimme a couple dem mystery brownies an? I sees what I can do, pretty white boy-?
    The giant toad continued to slur incoherently, raised one foot?and then promptly crashed to the ground with a huge *THUD*
    ?Huh?? Jiraiya scratched his chin. ?Oh right, right?another toad ODing, huh? Better take it easy on the drugs next time ? Kai!?
    The frog vanished in a wisp of smoke. Suddenly, Itadari charged Jiraiya.
    ?NOW I SHALL FINALLY GET MY REVENGE FOR WHAT YOU DID!?
    ?Hold up, what did he do?? asked Naruto fervently.
    The giant swordsman stopped and stared him down. ?HE WAS THE ONE WHO TURNED MY PRECIOUS AKINORI AGAINST ME!?
    Jiraiya snorted.
    ?Come on, all I did was ask him to look up ?pedophilia? in the dictionary.?
    ?AND THEN HE TRIED TO KILL ME! I WAS FORCED TO BEHEAD MY BELOVED APPRENTICE!?
    ?I wouldn?t exactly call a kid who served you tea and ricecakes in his underwear an apprentice.?
    ?FOOLISH OLD HERMIT, I SHALL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF FOR THOSE WORDS!?
    ?You would die before your stroke fell!? yelled Neji, getting in the way.
    ?No, Neji!? Kakashi shouted. ?His chakra concentration is in the sword, not his bod-?
    ?I?m going to finish this troll right now with my new Hyuuga clan ultimate technique. It will be over soon ? this is my destiny!?
    Lee gasped. ?Not that technique, Neji-kun?!?
    ?HAHA, PHYSICAL ATTACKS ARE USELESS, MISSING-IRIS BOY!!!?
    A giant yin-yang circle suddenly formed under Neji.
    ?Hakke?Ichiorukujuuhachisou! (Eight Divination Signs, One Hundred Million Palms of the Hand)?
     
  4. Foxtrot Neji Her Majesty's Pain in the Ass

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    Chapters 9-10

    Chapter 9 ? Itadari?s One Weakness! The Future Hokage Saves the Day?Again!

    ?No, Neji!? Kakashi shouted. ?His chakra concentration is in the sword, not his bod-?
    ?Hakke?Ichiorukujuuhachisou! (Eight Divination Signs, One Hundred Million Palms of the Hand)?

    30 minutes later

    ?24,544 strikes! 24,545 strikes! 24,546 strikes! Feel the BURN!!!?
    Naruto yawned as everyone watched Neji literally tickle the hell out of an amused Itadari.
    ?Yo Lee,? asked Kiba. ?I thought everytime Neji did a round of palm strikes, he doubled the number.?
    Lee shook his head.
    ?He thought it would be cooler to show off by doing one strike at a time. I admit he?s pretty good, but I honestly don?t get this.? He stood up and walked over to Neji?s swirling form. ?Sorry Neji?Konoha Senpuu!?
    Neji fell to the ground and rubbed his chest. ?I almost had him, Lee!?
    ?Yeah, yeah, only a couple million more hours,? muttered Naruto. ?Let the pros handle the amateur!?
    Silence.
    ?Uh Nejo, got any more ideas?? asked Naruto hastily, as Itadari pointed his sword at him.
    ?It?s Neji, dumbass.?
    ?Bah, I don?t need you! Think Naruto, think quick, dattebayo!?
    And then, like a lightbulb turned on, the answer came, maybe not as simple or obvious as Sexy no Jutsu, but it still came. It came from Kakashi.
    ?Naruto, use Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!?
    ?What? Oh?right! TAJUU KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU! (Mass Shadow Replication)?
    Within moments, thousands upon thousands of Naruto clones appeared in the battlefield. And as expected, Kakashi?s ploy was genius.
    ?OH MY GOD! SO MANY BOYS! SO MANY PREPUBESCENT, LUSCIOUS-?
    ?Ewww?? Sakura choked.
    ? -BOYS! I SIMPLY CAN?T GET MY HANDS ON SO MANY OF?GAH?CHEST PAINS?NAUSEA?IS THIS HEAVEN??ARGH!??
    Itadari fell to the ground, unconscious.
    ?Go get some rope, kids,? sighed Jiraiya. ?Lots and lots of rope.?

    Chapter 10 ? Dealing with the Devil! The Secret of Facility 12!

    When Itadari finally came to, the first thing he saw was his sword in the corner of Facility 11, guarded by Jiraiya.
    ?YOU DAMN BASTARDS!!!?
    ?Alright, who wants to interrogate him,? asked Kakashi.
    ?Ugh?I?m not dealing with the devil, Kakashi-sensei,? Sakura answered.
    ?Yeah, my stomach isn?t feeling too well either??
    ?Alright. Lee and Sakura, please wait outside and secure the warehouse entrance.?
    ?Yes sir.?
    ?Okay, Kakashi-sensei.? Sakura and Lee left the room.
    ?Now then.? Kakashi turned back to Itadari. ?How about you answer some questions??
    ?HELL NO, ONE-EYED MAGGOT!?
    ?If you don?t Idatari-san, we will break your sword into pieces.?
    ?NO ONE POSSESSES THAT MIGHT!?
    ?I will ask Kiba and Akamaru here to tear it up.?
    ?Grrrrr!?
    ?THOSE PUPPIES CAN?T DO JACKSHIT!?
    ?I?ll force Naruto to make more boy-clones.?
    ?DONE, WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW.?
    ?First off?and I hope you?re noting this down, Jiraiya-sannin-?
    ?You know I?m not, Kakashi-san.?
    ? -Who hired you??
    ?A NINJA WHO WOULD NOT GIVE HIS NAME. HE WAS TALL, WORE LOOSE CLOTHS AND HAD A SUSPICIOUSLY IMMATURE VOICE.?
    ?Hmmm?okay, that?s not very helpful. Where did your meeting occur??
    ?HE CONTACTED ME IN THE HIDDEN VALLEY OF SAND DURING THE KAZEKAGE?S RETURN.?
    ?And you went along with this??
    ?OF COURSE. HE GAVE ME AN OFFER I COULDN?T REFUSE.?
    ?Gee, I wonder what that was.?
    ?Quiet, Naruto!? Kakashi continued. ?What was this offer??
    ?ALL THE NAKED PHOTOGRAPHS OF LEAF SHINOBI I WANT.?
    Kiba grimaced. ?I think I?m gonna join those two outside, Kakashi-san??
    ?Go ahead, Kiba. Where are these photographs, Itadari??
    ?IN THE OTHER FACILITY.?
    Kakashi turned to Neji, who nodded immediately and turned to the wall dividing the two warehouses.
    ?ByakkugAHHHHOHMYGOD!!!!? Neji grabbed his eyes as if they were on fire.
    ?What did you do to him?!? demanded Kakashi.
    ?I DID NOTHING, KAKASHI-SAN.?
    ?Jiraiya, Naruto, go take a look.?
    ?Sure thing. Let?s go, Naruto!?
    ?OK, dattebayo!?
    The two ninja smashed through the dividing wall and found?boxes? Hundreds and hundreds of wooden boxes, stacked one on top of the other. All were labeled with a name of a leaf shinobi.
    ?Careful, Naruto!?
    They took down one of them ? on it was written Usumakki Naruto.
    ?Ready??
    ?Yep, Ero-sennin.?
    Slowly, they removed the cover?

    Still clutching his stomach, Kiba wandered outside the warehouse, looking for Lee and Sakura. Akamaru popped out above his shirt and gave a low bark.
    ?What?s that Akamaru?? he whispered back. ?Something I don?t want to see or hear?!? Suddenly, he heard two familiar voices?
    ?Come on Sakura-chan, just this once?I won?t get messy, I promise??
    ?I already told you Lee-san, get away from me!?
    ?But I can?t restrain myself?PLEASE, JUST ONE TIME!?
    ?For the love of-?
    ?I promise it?ll be quick and painless?my springtime of youth DEMANDS it!?
    ?Dammit, I told you, I?m not letting you use my lipstick!?
    Kiba cleared his throat.
    ?So what are you guys up-? He was cut off by Jiraiya?s voice from inside.
    ?PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS NARUTO!!!?
    Jiraiya was holding up a naked photo of a certain snoring leaf ninja.
    ?I?that?s?what??
    Jiraiya dropped the picture. He focused on the box right next to Naruto?s, labeled The Fat Guy w/ White Hair.
    ?Ooo, I hope a lady took these pics,? he mused, rifling through an assortment of naked photos of himself. Neji got to his feet shakily.
    ?I saw mine?my name?but I didn?t want to?damn Byakkugan?I can?t believe this?? he stuttered.
    Kiba, Lee and Sakura ran through the gaping hole in the warehouse wall.
    ?Aren?t ninja supposed to operate QUIETLY?!? barked Sakura.
    Naruto whimpered.
    ?What?s wrong with you?!?
    He pointed to the various boxes in the room.
    ?HEY! These boxes have our names on them, cool!? said Kiba. ?Let?s take a looksie inside-?

    An hour later, the shinobi of leaf looked like petrified statues of agony.
    ?All I can say is,? quaked Naruto. ?We need to find the loser ninja behind this?and tell him to print kunoichi photos only.?

    END OF PART I
     
  5. Foxtrot Neji Her Majesty's Pain in the Ass

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    Well, it's obvious now that this forum isn't too keen on fics. I just put up the completed chapters on . Please send any reviews or hate mail there
     
  6. Hokage-of-my-hood Please.

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    Lol, dude, hilarious, and I'm the first one to reply, hilarious. I love it. hope ya get part 2 up soon. I guess I'm about the one of the few who goes on this forum.
     
  7. -RavenHeart- ChaosMan

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    lol

    This stuff is awesome. Im really amazed. Wish I could write like this..
     
  8. Jensei-kun White Fang II

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    Haha, nice one man, keep it going
     
  9. Therahedwig Parodie Nin

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    It was great!

    Pity enough it was a bit messy, but I kep laughing throughout the whole mascu-ninja scene...
    And great idea about the black thing! The only thing that could've made it more hillarious was to make the him speak like Mister T.
     
  10. adeptusastartes2007 New Member

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    LOL Nice Fic. I liked how you made fun of Orochimaru and MJ at the same time.
     
  11. Tsunade's Apprentice Schein des Mondes

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    Thats great! please keep writing - its so funny it had me laughing so much!
     
  12. toxicxkisses everybody loves teh chocolates

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    lol great story! very hilarious...ahh the joys of parody
     
  13. Nihongofreak Ero-Sennin

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    hilarious, cant wait for part 2 *reps*
     
  14. Bananna why do my pics shrink? DDD:

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    Heehee. Have you read Discworld novels? Death also TALKS LIKE THIS.

    Good fic, it was quite funny - and disturbing at the same time. O_o
     
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