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We Are In Love With Words

Discussion in 'Music Department' started by mow, Jan 18, 2005.

  1. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Well i have to take this skeleton out of my closet, I love writing poetry and songs. For quite athe period of time , I was seriously consdering becoming a song writer, I used to write songs on a very daily basis, when evrr the muse hit me so to speak. Well eventually I just ran out of ideas plus the fact my laptop crashed with over 30 decent songs Ive written didnt help one bit. Anyhow I feel that The muse is knocking on my dor again and Ive been writing semi-okay lyrics recently.

    Oklay i blab alot. Basically this thread is for you to post YOUR lyrics, YES YOU!! *points at him/her/it* You THE PEOPLE. Honeslty just post anythign you write down here. Share with us how the magnificent person you are functions in your own words. Dont worry, no one will flame you or joke at you, and if anyone attempts to, they will seriouly get punished. (Trust me I will personally lookout for you). Being the music addicats we aall are, Im sure you all experinced that guilty pleasure of changing the lyrics of your fav song ans adding your own (come on now, admit it, i saw you doing it through your balocny last night!)

    So post! POST POST POST!
     
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  2. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    From here out the terms song and poem, or any variations there of, are synonymous.

    How this will work:
    1. Songs will be posted and reviewed by members of the forum.
    2. The review will be focused on a spesific aspect of songwriting.
    3. Any questions/arguments or any general talk about the review and/or song will be held in the community thread as not to clutter this one. (this will make it easier to find the newest song)
    4. As soon as a song is posted, a different member may post a 'save' spot. After two days they may edit in their song and review. In the 'save' post they may list the song they intend to review.

    Rules:

    1. NO FLAMMING/RIDCULING , im never angry but this will seriously tick me off :D
    2. No spamming or posting other than reviews or 'save' spots. (discussion can be held in the community thread)
    3. Reveiws should follow the standard format

    Format for reviews:
    Writer
    Title of piece
    (link to any legal audio clips if you have one)
    The specific focus of review (what you want us to concntrate the most on)

    The song itself (this should be in italics)

    The review. (some people like to crit after each verse or stanza and this is also acceptable, but remember to make only the song italics)
     
  3. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    okay to prove to you all that this is simple, Ill be the first to post a song here, feel free to be as harsh and brutal as could be, but remember thats for me, some ppl dont like the words "YOU SUCK BIG TIME YOU MORON" shoved in their faces, I on the other hand dont mind it as long as go gove a valid reason :amuse
     
  4. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    oh its okay mate :amuse , even if you havent written before, if you evr do, even if it was just one line, post it, you never know, it might inspire someone to write a song invloving your line. Ofcoruse if that cas ever happens guys, do gibve the original author the credit :)
     
  5. Cut Thru Me Hominis.

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    Let me get this right, your using another melody, but your own lyrics? Didnt really get it :)

    Edit: Ok now i get it.

    The song is nicely built' and you connect the different messages in the song really well.

    Only one thing is bothering me, "i'll also be cut in two", i wanna hear more about that! What is it, perhaps it's just me who does'nt get it cause my english isnt the best.. But do tell me :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2005
  6. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Yeah in Lullaby i did that, The music from that song was just too damn good, i was insomiac and the words just came to me as I heard the melody, BUT that doesnt have to be the case for your lyrics or poems, you can just have a poem posted with now music, in my case the music fits the lyrics perfectly if i may say so :amuse
     
  7. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Glad you enjoyed it man :amuse .

    Well. basically the line "cut in two" is about the heartbreack, you know how they always say "my heart will be broken into two from sadness" in songs? well that to me was garbade, when it comes to feelings, i always felt that hearts are more like piece of paper that can be easily torn, not hard pieces of rock. The was i was going about it was to show how fragile and weak we are.

    Hope that clarify things

    now ppl post!!!! or i KEEL YOU!!
     
  8. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    thanks for reply aslan (even though you delted them, i restored them if you dont mind :amuse) i know, i sometime tend to build a song around a previous melody, but i try not to do it alot

    EDIT: new lyrics

    Writer:- Yours Trully
    Song name :- Scribbles on a notepad
    Music:- i always have a faint acuostic guitar in my head the momet i wrote this song, think "Iron & wine" or "elliot smith"

    hello stranger
    how have you been?
    do come in and share your tales
    been long since you put up your sails

    welcome stranger
    where have you been?
    do sit down and join us as we sing
    been long since we felt the joy you bring

    why so gloomy? why so pale?
    stop thinking of the times you failed
    its been long since uve shoot and missed
    yet all you've done is this
    punching yourself with your fist
    cos she was the one thing you had
    and now she's just scribbles on a notepad

    _________________________________________________________________

    Writer:- Yours Trully
    Song name :- Who Was the One
    Music:- umm abstract i guess, mix of low key piano and bass, that would make a good combo

    why are you looming astray
    right next to a hurricane
    where the scarlet moon shines its rays
    who was the one that let you go

    why arent you running for cover
    under a roof or behind a tree
    where you'll be safe and you wont shiver
    who was the one that made you so?

    follow my voice
    and grasp my hand
    lie just still
    without a sound
    cause slow steps
    will led you out

    who was the one that broke you apart
    your soul is shattered,lost alone outside
    who was the one that fed you lies
    your heart is blinded,cold without a guide

    who was the one who led you there
    and made you a helpless prey
    who was the one who tricked you to here
    and you followed without a say?

    follow my voice
    and grasp my hand
    lie just still
    without a sound
    casue slow steps
    will led you out

    confidence's the key
    no need to scream and shout
     
  9. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Save spot to review Cut Me Thru
     
  10. ninamori Well-Known Member

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    I haven't written any poetry for four years, but I felt like it today. This poem is dedicated to my friend Kailtin. She's been going through alot lately. Tell me what you think. I know it's not that good, I just wrote it on a whim...

    Nobody understands
    Nobody can
    This pain you are going through
    Won't let you stand

    But I'll help you up
    Even if I don't know
    I'll get you out
    I'll help you grow

    Grab my hand
    Don't let go
    I won't let you get buried
    In the deep winter snow

    Beleive in me
    Like I in you
    Don't look back
    We'll make it through.

    The storm is strong
    ...But you are
    stronger.

    No melody, no title. Just... something for her. I know... it jumps all over the place, but what can I say? I felt like writing it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2005
  11. Cut Thru Me Hominis.

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    Really glad you like it!
    I think i'll work a bit on it, add a bit of structure.
    And now looking at it, i have a few more ideas popping up.

    And actually i'm buying a bass soon, so perhaps i'll make it a song :oh
    I'll take a look at your songs, tomorrow when i'm not tired, you really write alot huh!

    PenaltyLife, Really kind of you to write your friend a poem :nodding
     
  12. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Save Spot for MOn
     
  13. ninamori Well-Known Member

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    Saved spot for moe's "Who Was the One".

    And thanks Cut Thru Me, she really deserved to have a poem written for her.

    -----

    To me, this poem is about somebody who lost a love and was acting emotionless and empty. He was having feelings (of the person) that hurt him, but wasn't stoping them. The narrator of the poem wants to help him get over his lost love, and his telling him to calm down and take little steps to get over it. Then the narrator goes on to ask who did that to him, hurt him and left him to wander without anybody to help him. The next stanza (sp?) leads me to beleive that the person he loved didn't actually love him, and was just faking it. He loved her with all his heart, and then she just said it was a lie and left. Then the narrator, again, is telling him that he/she will help him get over it. The narrator then says that he needs to look up and stop crying about it.

    I said that the person this poem was about was a male because that's easier, but by saying that, it makes the narrator easily a girl because the narrator could either be a freind helping a friend, or somebody who's in love with him and trying to get him to see her.

    So to me, the poem is about helping somebody out of a depression of losing somebody. My favorite line would have to be "why are you looming astray / right next to a hurricane / where the scarlet moon shines its rays" Because I know that 1) hurricanes are dangerous and 2) scarlet (or red) moons are bad omens. This added depth to the poem, instead of just saying "you're in danger/ with an omen" or something.

    So, in conclusion, I absolutly loved it. I loved the metaphor-like way you wrote about a hurricane to show the person's inner-turmoil and emotions, and how everything simply flowed. 10/10, it was beautiful.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2005
  14. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    just wrote this on a whim, Iron & wine are my new drug

    Oh love, sweet love
    so you're still stranded there?
    was the touch of his hands
    just not enough?

    Oh love, sweet love
    have you missed me lately?
    becuase that memory of you
    still has me in cuffs

    So lets take a friendly stroll
    down to our favourite spot
    to a place we liked to go
    were you'll relive all your heavy worries
    upon the shoulders of silent boy

    Oh love, sweet love
    so now you're laying naked and bare?
    were his whispered words of affection
    just not enough?


    ----------

    yeah i know it sucks and it needs ALOT of work, but i just wrote in a minute, bare with me :D
     
  15. ninamori Well-Known Member

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    Yep. Wrote another poem. But this time, it's for Kate and Ariel. Because... I'm scared for them. I really am. And their pain makes my heart bleed, because I love them so much. I never want to see them in pain...

    Killer

    With cold heartless eyes
    The children sneer
    As she cries in a corner
    Her mind in shambles

    Watch as they tear at it
    Watch as you ignore her pain
    Watch as the children tear her soul
    Watch it fall to the ground, forgotten

    She clutches herself tightly
    Never letting go?
    She won?t lose herself in this hell
    Look what you did. You killer

    Ignore it.
    Ignore the tears
    Ignore the cries for help
    Ignore her.

    Pain. You don?t care.
    Helpless. You don?t see.
    Lonely. You don?t understand.
    Afraid. You don?t know.

    Never knowing
    You just killed her
    You watch as the children?s words
    Cut her like a knife.

    As she holds a razor blade
    A glint in her eye
    You don?t catch it
    You walk away.

    Always ignore it
    The children tear at it
    You watch it break apart
    And yet do nothing

    But tomorrow you will see
    You can never ignore this
    You killer?
    Are the cause of her suicide.


    Yep, it sort of all came out like that... it's strange, but I like it. :)
     
  16. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    So much emotions embedded in every line and every word Mon.
    being unaccepted and unappreciated , by all those who know her. The confusiong going though her soul is bursting through without anyone even remotly caring.

    I love this lin
    "Watch as the children tear her soul"



    the metorphrical meaning behind this are just wonderful, the person going through this turmoil has been betrayed and scarred by the person sthey had faith in the most, someone they never expceted will ever hurt them.

    Yet she/he is trying their best to gather their themsleves , trying to resist
    "She won?t lose herself in this hell"

    The use of Killer throughout the poem is extremely smart choice too. the whole concept , layout and wording used is just superb.

    Mon that was remarkable, i can almost feel the person's pain through your words. I KNEW you were a great writer

    10/10
     
  17. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    Song :- Scribbles on a notepad

    hello stranger
    how have you been?
    do come in and share your tales
    been long since you put up your sails

    welcome stranger
    where have you been?
    do sit down and join us as we sing
    been long since we felt the joy you bring

    why so gloomy? why so pale?
    stop thinking of the times you failed
    its been long since uve shoot and missed
    yet all you've done is this
    punching yourself with your fist
    cos she was the one thing you had
    and now she's just scribbles on a notepad
    ----

    >.< if i ony knew how to play a danm banjo!!
     
  18. aslan The Music Teacher

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    Somthing simple and sweet (at least the ladies say that)

    title: none
    music: me doing simple gutiar chords
    writen by: the sone of the kign across the sea

    V1
    Here I am upon this loney shore
    I pick up a pebble a skip it accross the water
    My mind keeps comming back to you
    and what I may just want to say


    C
    Funny how it all seems so simple
    Funny how I can't say two simple words
    words like love you
    but it better that way

    V2
    Walk along the shore fell the sand between my toes
    Doesn't seem to distract me much
    The look on your face as I stuttered
    Imprented behind my eyes

    V3
    I float on the water's edge
    Let the feeling drift me away
    Maybe it's just best to forget
    Maybe I should try again
     
  19. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    just as you said , simple and sweet. I honestly cant say anymore that its heart warming and gave me goosebumps (thats how my body tells me im listening or reading something good) 9.5/10
     
  20. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    New Song

    Name :- Untitled #1
    writer :- yours trully (but induced by Sufjan Stevens)
    Music :- very simple and lo-fi quality acuostic guitar, and ill throw a bass for support


    what the stranger wants
    are those sweet lips
    and all the kindess its love gives
    what the children want
    is the sun kiss
    and that warmth it showers them with

    so would you oblige me
    with that forgviness
    a hand patting my back
    and give me a candle
    when i am shrouded
    when all my judgment
    is merely clouded

    and comfort me with that warm quilt
    weaved by your own hands
    fused with love like the endless desert sands
    and I will worship you
    for all of my days
    for you are my goddess
    that shows me the wayyy


    *yes i had to add the "yyy"*
     
  21. happygolucky Bustin' up the scene.

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    well, i think its very simple and nice^_^ i like the one part "what the children want
    is the sun kiss and that warmth it showers them with
    " it makes me feel all glowy inside:amuse
     
  22. aslan The Music Teacher

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    to the poems/song above me

    the form you have is very well built and has a flow that I will never come to grasp. I ejoyed the emotion thu the words and saw the colors of those emotions.

    9/10

    title: none
    music: none (it's spoken word)
    author: <--- look there

    I was in a crapy mood and needed to vent one day

    Memories of a smile brings forth regets
    Memories of a lost chance makes me look back
    Memories of what is to be lingers in my heart
    Memories of why I hold it all in make me want to let it out

    Give me someone to talk to
    Give me someone to hold me
    Give me someone to cry to
    Give me somewhere to escape

    I wish I was not here
    I wish I was someone else
    I wish I could understand
    I wish I it was all simple

    Why does it have to be this way
    Why does life have to be so sad
    Why does it rain when I need the sun
    why is it I feel this way

    Memories of a smile bring forth regrets
    Give me someone to hold me
    I wish I could understand
    Why is it I feel this way
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2005
  23. grakul The eternal n00b

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    Aslan yours is good :wink i've felt that way on bad days too he he he...

    Well here's one, feel free to say that i suck (i know it already, check my sig if you don't believe me)

    title: none
    writer: me :p
    music: none... yet

    I?m sitting on a hill
    That one was full
    of beautiful flowers
    But now all of them
    Have withered away
    The moon is red now
    And I?m breathing smoke
    I didn?t expected this
    But solitude it?s my only friend now

    I wish I could hold you
    Y be able to feel
    The relief of your hands
    The sweetness of your hair
    The warmth of your look
    I wish I could have you by my side
    I chain myself to you
    By holding your hand

    And now over this dead hill
    My heart is pumping oil
    And I calmly wait for the spark
    That will but my pain away

    My body isn?t responding
    ?Cause I?m turning into stone
    But sitting in this place
    I make a promise to myself
    So I can touck your face again
    I?ll wait till I die

    and sorry, but my english probably sucks big time...
     
  24. aslan The Music Teacher

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    well if you didn't tell me that your first lang wasn't english I wouldn't of known

    great flow to the words I like how they all link together

    now just did this diddy up

    Title: someday
    Author: the person typing
    Music: simple high on the neck power 5 chords
    V1
    sit her waiting by phone, by the window, by the door
    Maybe you'll show, maybe you'll call, maybe you'll walk into my world
    Would it make any differance if I said that I'd like it that way
    and I see you in my heart
    and I want you here someday (today)

    v2
    with this lamp on in my room I sing this silly song
    pen and paper in my hand and gutiar upon my knee
    crumple the paper, throw it away I don't know what to say
    and I see you in my heart
    and I want you here someday (today)

    v3
    Through the window the moon light shines into my room
    and don't know why but it just makes me think of you
    maybe I'm foolish, made I'm crazy, maybe I'm just some silly geek
    But I see you in my heart
    and I want you here someday (today)
     
  25. grakul The eternal n00b

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    The new one it's good, are you in love my friend?
    :p

    By the way, those are for...
     
  26. aslan The Music Teacher

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    hummm not yet but getting there
     
  27. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    aslan all i could say that I love it, I honestly do. the emotions reflected threw the words just gave me goosebumsp, simlpy lovely in every single aspect 10/10

    and i hope things work out with you and your lady friend mate, you desreve the best :amuse
     
  28. grakul The eternal n00b

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    Mine is so bad you won't even review it?... mmmmmmmmmh that's bad... :oh
     
  29. mow <b> <color=red> THE <blink>notlame</blink> AVENGER

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    XD its not that! I just review the last one one posted always :p ill review yours if you want :amuse
     
  30. grakul The eternal n00b

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    THAT was something i did not knew, i thought you read it and it was like

    "ZOMFG this guy BAAAAAAAAD, he should be buried 40 ft underground and then do build a house over that land so he would hunt it forever writing more of his shitty lyrics in the wall with the blood of the ppl that lives there"

    so, i would like to read a review from you (it's always good to know i suck
    :p ) but if that's ypu're rule of this post i think i'll just wait till i write another :blink
     
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