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What would you do in this scenario?

Discussion in 'Konoha Country Club' started by Owl, Feb 6, 2019.

  1. A Optimistic Gang Gang

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    Didn't I say 50 times this isn't referring to someones wife? :catdefeat
     
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  2. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    The issue here is that the significant other isn't contributing at all. If she's got the money for new clothes and expensive trips she should help out with utilities and rent before spending it on nonessential items.
     
  3. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    Um no, but it is his wife to be, so how does that change the living arrangement exactly? Are you saying she should be paying him rent to live with him right up until he proposes? I'm pretty sure they didn't start living together out of the blue. They most likely were offered to live with Owl at some point, and I doubt they made any sort of landlord agreement like "OK SO, I want you to come move in with me, but if you want to live in my house these are the utilities you're responsible for paying for and this will be your rent and Ill need a down payment..." She's not his tenant, she's someone hes in love with and wanted to take care of.

    But that's the thing I don't think she does have the money. The fact that she's in debt implies that she really is struggling with money and she has a compulsive shopping disorder. I think if she really did have excess money and he asked for her her to pay her share of whatever, she would feel morally compelled to. I'm assuming that's not the case, and she really is having trouble staying above water debt wise, but keeps falling back into her excessive spending problems. I sincerely doubt this conscious desire on her part.
     
  4. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    Poor financial management being a deal breaker isn't outrageous. Racking up debt with unnecessary expenses is grievous enough for me personally to end a relationship regardless of length of time we'd been together, especially if they're accumulating debt and not contributing.
     
  5. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    I mean to be fair 2000 dollars in debt is pretty minor. It's not exactly life ruining..:sweatdrop:sweatdrop

    Also it seems kind of shallow to leave someone because they have financial issues. If you cared about them enough, you would at least try to support them in working through their problems. I mean you could say "That's their problem not mine." But relationships are meant to be partnerships. Your problems are each other's problems.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
  6. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    If you're in the middle of a lake in a rowboat and your partner is there with a bucket pouring water into the boat it's probably a good idea to throw them overboard. $2k may not be a debilitating amount of debt, but the poor spending habits that led to that accumulation are worrying at best. Nobody has the obligation to stick by someone who is actively participating in detrimental behavior.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
  7. Tendou Izumi I Can and I Will. Watch Me

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    I understand your feelings. I'm naturally very generous and supportive so whoever is my SO can bet I'd have his back for whatever time necessary if he's going through a rough patch. However, I must say, you're confusing circumstances with the overall mentality of the person in question. The advise to end the relationship is not based on her financial difficulties but more so in the applications she's doing (or not doing) in the relationship. She's not even trying.

    Let's say, for example, Owl's friend makes it long term with this person and they have a family. Those kids are not going to wait for their parents to get a job or to get out of debt to supply for their needs. No, they have to be fed, clothed, educated and provided for every day regardless of their financial circumstances. You need someone by your side who knows what the word responsibility means. How can you trust someone to carry a family with you when they can't even carry themselves?.

    This person Owl's friend is with, is completely unreliable. She's someone that, if I were a man, I wouldn't trust my legacy with.

    You cannot and should not sympathize with people to your own detriment.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
  8. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    Ok yes that situation would be unfair, but I feel like you're not giving the other person proper credit. Your example implies she offers absolutely nothing to the guy. Which almost certainly not the case, sure she may be a detriment financially, but in my probably over idealistic view of relationships, he doesn't love her because of her wealth, he loves her because of herself, and no matter what faults she may have, she still has the traits he fell in love to begin with. Getting rid of her entirely because a character flaw pops up is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. :sniff:sniff

    I agree being irresponsible with money is a really bad trait for a mother to have, but I think this situation is way too premature to call it off yet. It's making the assumption that she has no hope of changing her situation and is too far gone, even though this problem seems to have just started. I think it's very possible for the guy in this situation to make them aware of the issue and steer them back in the right direction. For him to leave now just because he sees things going bad, would be for him to not really care what happens to her, as long as he isn't going to be around to see it.
     
  9. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    I get where you're coming from, but you're being too idealistic. If she can freely increase her debt with that kind of stuff and completely ignores her significant other's struggles her personality isn't worth sticking around for. She's clearly a selfish individual, and the odds of her changing aren't good if she saw no problem to begin with.
     
  10. Jim Normal Person

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    I still think this story is too one sided to be so judgmental
     
  11. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    Even if just the base information (her not contributing toward bills and racking up debt on unnecessary purchases) is true then it's more than enough to judge the situation. Regardless, all you can ever do is judge a situation based on the information provided, we're not omniscient.
     
  12. Jim Normal Person

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    see my previous response here
     
  13. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    I read it before....

    You literally say it's all just a guess, so rather than pay attention to the information that was presented you went through the trouble of creating a narrative based solely upon your own imagination. Regardless of whether or not the information is accurate in this instance, the question should be answered as if you were in the situation presented, not to try to circumvent the circumstances.

    Edit: Not to suggest that you can't offer another point of view, but you made assumptions in the complete opposite direction and made claims against the person in this situation and then complained that everybody was judging the female in the scenario using too little information.
     
  14. Jim Normal Person

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    No, i talked about how that's not how a relationship should work. On top of that, why is the top complaint simply attention seeking rather than the financial? It gives quite a bit of perspective on how "dire" the situation really is.

    i did pay attention to the information presented. If she had paid full attention to him, and still thrown out perhaps even twice as much money still, this entire situation would have been a non issue because he'd be more than content.
     
  15. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    You read it completely differently than I did. My understanding is that the primary stressor in this situation is financial (him supporting her while she's making wild purchases and the like). If I were to just change that fact from the story (i.e. she now contributes financially and is not overspending), the parties and being lined up for the trip don't bring the OP to the point of blowing up at them. Conversely, if the SO were to stay in but still overspend while not contributing, the argument may be delayed, but would have still been inevitable.

    Also, it may not be how relationships should work, but that's the world we live in, it's never going to be ideal or perfect.
     
  16. Jim Normal Person

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    i read it completely differently probably because i saw how much he emphasized attention over finances.

    i mean look at this part of the rant
    what does this say? I paid for your attention so give it to me.

    he's far FAR more upset that he didn't get her attention than some finances. You'll also notice nowhere in the whole rant that he actually asked her about the fiances until he blew up on her about the attention bit (at the very end), which of course she just walked out on him without saying anything. Instead however, he does mention many places how he asks her for attention :D, but only the few times she had made previous plans.

    this financial crisis he's touting is just something he wants validation from us for so that he can feel more confident in his argument that he deserves the time he paid for.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
  17. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    Maybe, but it seems to be the finances that get him heated each time. Sure, he may want more attention, but each time anything is brought into a negative light it is directly related to finances. It can be exhausting to have that financial pressure put on you (even though he offered), and that's what ultimately led to the argument.

    Regardless, I guess we can agree to disagree on this one, but the financial aspect seems much more prominent to me.
     
  18. A Optimistic Gang Gang

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    Pretty much agree with everything Moritsune is saying. I find it very bizarre to see multiple replies making assumptions about the girlfriend that weren't included in the OP. We don't know this girl, therefore all we should go off is based on the info Owl provided, not randomly start speculating stuff.
     
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  19. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    I don't get you guys? You make it sound like your biggest turn on is financial stability?? Are you like the male equivalent of gold diggers or something??? I don't even relate to this girl, I have literally no money and I'm still very careful with my spending and credit, it's an easy thing to do, and so it won't be a hard thing for her to learn. You guys act like the fact that she got carried away with her money is the most ugly and disgusting thing a person could ever do and the guy would be a fool to ever date someone who does something so repulsive as max her credit cards and not have enough money to help her boyfriend with his bills one time. :rotfl:rotfl
    I mean
    Ok so she has rich friends who she needs to act rich with in order for them to keep liking her. Again this isn't something I relate to, I don't try to fit in with people which is why I'm so alone...

    :laugh:laugh

    ..but even so, it's totally understandable to me that some people would have good reason to want to keep certain connections in their life and if she feels it's important for her to keep her rich friends, then of course she'll do what she can to fit in with them. I don't think that' s an immediate reason to write her off as a bad person!
     
  20. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    I haven't speculated anything not said about her. She doesn't make a lot of money, got carried away spending a few times a fell a bit into debt, and couldn't help her boyfriend pay bills. It's not like she asked him to buy her things or got him into debt for her. I don't understand why this is means to end the relationship, it's a relatively minor grievance. People are literally acting as if she cheated on him LOL
     
  21. A Optimistic Gang Gang

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    I'm starting to think Starlight Ashley is the girl in the opening post. :dotell
     
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  22. Jim Normal Person

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    i don't really see it as speculation when the primary complaint is the lack of attention rather than finances.
     
  23. Moritsune Sengoku Iori Moderator

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    Their bills*

    The issue here is that she's prioritizing the purchase of material goods over carrying her share of the burden. It's also not a one time thing, she's been supported for months at this point and sees no problem wasting money and getting into debt. Financial responsibility is very important, and people who leisurely throw themselves into debt usually can't learn to be responsible easily, it's a definite turn off and deal breaker for me if someone poorly manages their finances.

    Getting into debt to keep up appearances is narcissistic and extremely worrying behavior.
     
  24. Dark Wanderer Light of the Sacred Flame

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    The girl sounds extremely irresponsible to me and is prioritizing the wrong things. I have debts to pay too but I can still contribute to my household, work two jobs, pick up overtime, ect.
     
  25. StarlightAshley Well-Known Member

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    OMG is this you irl?!? :rotfl:rotfl

    As someone who has been ostracized by friend groups before I can completely understand why someone would go to great lengths to keep up with the status quo of their group. If her rich shallow friends keep buying and showing off new clothes and she starts becoming the odd one out it won't be long until they start looking down on her or talking badly behind her back. That's just how girls can be, and it doesn't make her a narcissist to play the game she has to play to keep them appeased with her. :nod:nod

    Well you're clearly a person, and maybe she isn't. It's a personality type that allows certain people to be able to work so much. You can't expect everyone to have the same qualities. She may have a more carefree personality and so it just isn't realistically an option for her to be able to sacrifice all her free time working and remain mentally content. :):)

    By the way what's with all of you guys expecting the girl to pay your bills, when did the gender roles reverse? :stfu:stfu
     
  26. Jim Normal Person

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    it's suspicious that he never brought it up with her though :hm.
    Perhaps if he brought it up even once with her, they would have worked it out.

    But instead he comes to forums for validation :D
     
  27. Jim Normal Person

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    speaking of speculation, since he has no idea how she got those new clothes or could afford to eat out without money, it's speculation to assume she paid for all of that. It could easily be any number of ways, such as kind friends or family offering to buy them or maybe they were even used clothes. Can't speculate after all :D
    Basically, it's speculation to assume she's wasting money.

    However, we know he didn't ask her where she got them, because the OP doesn't say it did, unless you speculate that he did. Given the way he actually asked her though (as said in the post only at the very end), it's doubtful.

    Does she even know that he was having trouble financially? Can't speculate the answer to that.
     
  28. Kitsune

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    This is heartbreaking to read. Sounds like they’re not true friends and not worth appeasing.
     
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