1. Welcome to the forums! Take a second to look at our Beginner's Guide. It contains the information necessary for you to have an easier experience here.

    Thanks and have fun. -NF staff
    Dismiss Notice

Why Kisame is the most eligible bachelor in Akatsuki

Discussion in 'Konoha Library Archives' started by Raikiri, Aug 20, 2005.

  1. Raikiri

    Messages:
    8,923
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Ok it's been a while, I lost interest in Naruto, but I've never lost interest in Kisame, how could anyone forget a lovely face and hot body like his??? So I check back once in a while to see if he's come back in the manga, but Kishimoto is being an asswipe and not giving Kisame any juicy parts lately, much to the dismay of me and the hordes of Kisame fangirls out there, but worse yet, people are forgetting how damn hot and awesome Kisame was, and they're starting to spout falsehoods like SASORI IS SEXIEST or ZETSU IS AWESOMEST or ITACHI IS KISAME'S GAY LOVER. SO ONCE AND FOR ALL, I will prove that Kisame is the most eligible bachelor in Akatsuki by comparing Kisame, one by one, to the other members of Akatsuki and showing that in reality, THERE IS NO COMPARISON. KISAME is the ultimate pimp of them all!!!!:cool

    KISAME VS SASORI: I'll address Sasori 1st cuz I see many posts of SASORI IS SO BISHY AND YUMMY EVEN THOUGH HE IS FUCKING NUTS. Ok, first of all, why are girls screaming stuff like that??? He's a PUPPET. How could any girl even think of getting freaky with a puppet??? He is nothing but several pieces of wood and bamboo tied together, he's practically household furniture! If she's gonna date a guy like Sasori, what happens when it doesn't work out? She's gonna start dating her coffee table instead??? Face it, ladies, Sasori may have the typical bishy face, but at best, he'll be little more than an elaborate bamboo dildo for you, and although I will never understand women, I do know that women usually look for more than that in a relationship. Even if the girl isn't looking for relationship and is just looking to get freaky with SASori, that's still an iffy proposition at best. Let's take a look at Sasori's jutsus and puppet stuff and see what kind of lover he might be:

    Sasori's assets when he is in 1st stage (when he's sporting gangsta hair and Hiruko on his back):

    HIRUKO: the puppet looks cool, but it makes Sasori look like a squat turtle, and I don't know of any girls who are attracted to turtles
    THAT MOUTH WHICH HAS A POISON NEEDLE: I don't know the official name for that fake head of his, but I do know that it's not meant for kissing, which is another strike against Sasori 1st stage. The hair is pretty cool though.
    THE LOVE GLOVE: U know what this is, that big wooden glove thing he had which was covered with things that looked like crude wooden dildos. It was pretty cool when he launched that attack where the love glove sent dozens of wooden dildos flying in all directions, but it didn't seem to make Sakura or Chiyo particularly horny, so I'm gonna have to say the love glove is a dud when it comes to picking up on women.

    Sasori's assets when he's got the Third Kazekage puppet:
    BLACK IRON SAND STUFF NO JUTSU: Sure, this jutsu has POTENTIAL, I mean, he can mold sand into hard stuff of any shape or form, whoa, i'm sure there are situations where a girl might find that handy, BUT WAIT, there's this little problem where if he even touches you with his black stuff, YOU GET POISONED AND DIE. That, my friends, is a major problem.

    Sasori's assets when he's using himself:
    HELICOPTER BLADES: good for slicing carrots and cucumbers. bad for getting cozy with a woman.
    FLAMETHROWING ARMS: good for roasting marshmallows. bad for getting cozy with a woman.
    BELLY SPEAR: good for harpooning whales out on the ocean. bad for getting cozy with a woman, unless she's into role playing with guys who can do Captain Ahab

    Meanwhile, Kisame over here doesn't need the aid of a hundred sex toys to please his woman, and he's not made of cold unfeeling mahogany. He's 100% hot man flesh, and of course everyone knows that his claspers are the stuff of legend, heck, his claspers are so legendary, people think that there are seven men in the Mist 7, but they're wrong, there's only five men, the last two spots are currently held by Kisame's claspers, that's how awesome they are. His claspers are so powerful, entire brothels have fallen before their might! IIRC, even Yondaime once said that Kisame's claspers are so legendary in reputation, they make even the name of the Sannin pale in comparison.Some people insist that Yondaime was referring to Kakashi's father, White Fang, but they're wrong, it's a mistranslation.

    So I think it's pretty clear by now that Kisame is way better in every aspect than Sasori when it comes to boyfriend material and luvin da ladies. Heck, he's even a better choice if a girl is looking to get some revenge on her ex boyfriend who had cheated on her! Suppose a girl wants to get revenge on her ex by sneaking into his apartment so that her ex can come back home from work to find her screwing a bunch of random guys on his couch. Ok, one might think that Sasori could be a better choice here, because the ex will feel like shit if he comes back to see Sasori and his hundred puppet army gang banging his ex girl and she seems to be loving it. However in reality, she won't really be loving it because deep down, she'll kinda feel like a slut that she's doing a bunch of dead guys all at the same time. But if she was doing this with KISAME and that double barreled shotgun between his legs, it'll kinda be like a sandwich job, except it's actually just one guy, so really, she's not being that slutty after all! Plus, she can tell her ex that Kisame's schlong is way bigger and better than his, and her ex will have no choice but to suck it up, because it's the truth. Also, she's physically safe because if the ex tries to go OJ Simpson on her and Kisame, Kisame will just beat his ass. She can't lose! Kisame is the perfect revenge guy for a girl!

    CONCLUSION: claspers > puppets

    KISAME VS ITACHI: It's no contest. Itachi is gay. Kisame is not. End of story. Girls may enjoy shopping more with Itachi, but Kisame is clearly the better boyfriend material here between the two. Moving along now.

    CONCLUSION: hetero > homo

    KISAME VS DEIDARA: This is a close one. I mean, Kisame's got the exotic good looks and the claspers and all, but Deidara has freaking mouths and tongues and lips all over the place, and that can only be a good thing for the ladies. Plus, as one can see from the considerable confusion over Deidara's gender, he is ambiguously good looking in that David Bowie way.

    HOWEVER, if one examines the psychology of these two bachelors, I think one will see that Kisame is the far more desirable of the two. For starters, I think it's pretty clear that Deidara is a one trick pony when it comes to fighting. All he does is fly around and drop crap on you. Deidara himself admits that he can't do anything else other than drop explosive crap on people. You know, I am pretty sure that Deidara applies this philosophy to his every other aspect in his life. If a girl spends a month or two with Deidara, she'll soon realize that Deidara does his loving like he does his fighting; he ALWAYS has to be on top. He probably always does missionary too, yawn, how vanilla! And all he talks about is how crappy other people's art is while his is so great. Yawn, how boring AND arrogant.

    Meanwhile, Kisame has proven that he is far more spontaneous and exciting than Deidara! he is always up for a random brawl or two! He barfs up oceans when you least expect it! He is the type of guy who will randomly charge into his girlfriend's workplace with flowers, and take her out to lunch, and kick her boss's ass if the boss protests. What more could a girl ask for??? Plus, Kisame is obviously a water sports freak, and everyone knows that swimmers bodies' are the hottest. Way hotter than a guy who plays with mud for a living. Deidara probably leaves mud tracks all over the carpet too. Also I'd like to point out that Kisame has sharp teeth, while Deidara does not. Therefore, Kisame will be much more handy to have around if a girl wants to remove that itchy tag from the back of her shirt's collar.

    CONCLUSION: water polo > pottery

    KISAME VS ZETSU: Ok, I know Zetsu isn't much competition, but I will quickly cover this matchup. The quickest path to a man's heart is through his stomach, right? So what is a girl to do with a guy like Zetsu??? Invite her neighbors to a BBQ, kill them when they arrive, then feed them to Zetsu??? What else does Zetsu eat besides people?? Plant fertilizer?? Mulch?? Manure??? I don't even want to imagine what Zetsu's breath smells like, and I'm pretty sure no girl wants to find out either. Plus, he is a certified peeping tom, and that is just plain creepy.

    CONCLUSION: fish breath > Zetsu's breath

    We haven't met anyone else from Akatsuki, so I'll stop here. But I think it's pretty clear who the alpha dog studmuffin of Akatsuki is. KISAME 4 LYFE!!!:cool

    Edit: Link to why Kisame >>>> Hidan, Kakuzu, and Tobi
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2006
    Tags:
  2. kapsi

    Messages:
    3,142
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2005
    Kisame will take his shark mask in next chapter, I've read the summary.
     
  3. TenshiOni

    Messages:
    17,704
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    YES!!!!!!

    It's Raikiri!!! :wOOt

    Welcome back, man. :tem

    Edit: Oh yeah, and I agree wholeheartedly. :oh
     
  4. Hef

    Messages:
    6,828
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2005
    :modsmack :sad
     
  5. Dyroness

    Messages:
    4,575
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Oh my god, it's Raikiri. :spaz

    I don't know where to start replying.
     
  6. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004
    You..you..you stole my avatar!!



    Kisame!
     
  7. Yak

    Messages:
    39,249
    Likes Received:
    1,115
    Trophy Points:
    1,668
    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2005
    God, how I've missed this. You brought back my believe in the sharkness though I never lost it. I always knew. Its just so damn great and funny at the same time for Raikiri to confirming it for us all. All hail the Raikiri. All hail the Kisame. Jesus.
     
  8. TenshiOni

    Messages:
    17,704
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Actually, Katsura, when I first saw you with that avatar, I said the opposite. :oh
     
  9. Sho

    Messages:
    5,062
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Utter classic. Can't really argue with these facts in this area: Kisame>all
     
  10. The Mist

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    I agree and to add to this great thread, heres a picture of Hoshigaki Kisame.
     
  11. Dyroness

    Messages:
    4,575
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    I think I've just been pwned. :sad
     
  12. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004
    I have no idea what you're talking about :)
     
  13. TenshiOni

    Messages:
    17,704
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    EBIL H4X!!!1

    ::continues to wipe tears from Kisame essay::
     
  14. Blue Supporting Staff Retired Staff

    Messages:
    49,382
    Likes Received:
    284
    Trophy Points:
    1,329
    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2004
    As always, Kisame (and Raikiri) are welcome in my bedroom anytime. :knk
     
  15. occasionalutopia

    Messages:
    6,896
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    37
    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2004
    Fuck you Raik for making me want shark cock I'm sold. One Kisame, please.
     
  16. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004

    There there, it's okay.. :amazed

    :sad

    :)
     
  17. Vegeta

    Messages:
    13,234
    Likes Received:
    572
    Trophy Points:
    1,345
    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2003
    It is true in the context of the post hef. Which female would want a gay male?
     
  18. Hef

    Messages:
    6,828
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2005
    I would

    OH WAIT. :D
     
  19. TenshiOni

    Messages:
    17,704
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    It's ok. I forgive. :amuse :evil :amuse
     
  20. Mibu Clan

    Messages:
    4,007
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2005
    Indeed Kisame is the Smexiest Akatsuki, Ohh....How I wish I had his smeximess and all
     
  21. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004

    You shall pay for this! :blink

    Just wait... :huh
     
  22. koopo

    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2004
    What the hell this is just stupid. Axass has deleted hundreds of threads like this (No I didn't) and this thread should be treated the same way.

    This is a place to discuss the Naruto Manga.. not bed pal of the month.

    Move it/Trash it Treat it the same way for everyone regardless of who writes it.

    NEVER!!!!!---------TenshiOni :TO
    NEVER!!!!----------Gooba :asuma
    I WANT SHARK COCK!!!----------KnK
    Editing posts is fun!!!!-----------:kk
     
  23. Gooba

    Messages:
    21,169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2005
    :love Raikiri :love

    No he hasn't, there have not been any posts like this before. (unless they were by Raik)
     
  24. Dyroness

    Messages:
    4,575
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Where is the sentimentalism?! Is flesh desire all we think about?!
    :rant

    Sasori may not be all, but I'm certain nothing beats Mangekyou smex from Itachi.




    (I shouldn't be saying this.)
     
  25. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004
    Hey hey, calm down :amuse
     
  26. Oskar von Reuental

    Messages:
    3,989
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    311
    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    I think it's a nice break from all the serious discussion. :tem

    *shrug*
     
  27. The Mist

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    I agree, but the some mods like to play favoritism. TenshiOni

    :p
     
  28. Katsura

    Messages:
    1,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2004
    Yeah TO, you fail.

    :TO
     
  29. kapsi

    Messages:
    3,142
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2005
    Man, this shit again? GB2/april or so with your claspers.
     
  30. TenshiOni

    Messages:
    17,704
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    What? :blink

    I'm not playing favortism. I mean, yeah, I find the thread starter hilarious, but in nooooooo way does this thread deserved to be trashed. It's hilarious and a nice break from serious discussion.

    I mean, c'mon, Kiri no Kunoichi (admin), occasionalutopia (admin), Kagakusha (smod), Ronin (former admin - advisor), Gooba (smod), and Hef (mod) have all viewed this thread, and none of them deemed it trashable.

    Why trash it?

    @Katsura: Please remove, Koopo's avy and sig. =/
     
Loading...