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Why Sake Bottles Are Better than Men

Discussion in 'Naruto Fanworks' started by Kopykat Kakashi, Jan 1, 2005.

  1. Kopykat Kakashi

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    This is Part 1. Part 2 is rated PG-13/R so only you guys over 13 should read the rest at ME


    WHY SAKE BOTTLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN


    Prelude
    Hokage Tsunade sighed at the figures in the registration book. Kunoichi enrollment was down again. It would be nice to have a female on each genin team. It made the boys more serious, more controllable, more respectful. Girls were a good influence. Also, many of them became medics and they were in short supply of both medics and kunoichis.
    ?Shizune! Come in here!? Tsunade ordered abruptly.
    ?Yes, Hokage-sama,? Shizune said meekly as she appeared in the doorway.
    ?Why is kunoichi enrollment down? Several have dropped out of the academy over the past year and the number of female chuunins and jounins is even less than when I was active!?
    ?I?I?m sorry, I don?t know. I mean, I came back here the same time as you. How would I know what?s going on??
    ?Excuses, excuses?I don?t want to hear them! Give me a solution!?
    ?Yes, Hokage-sama?umm?why don?t we call a meeting of all the kunoichis available??
    ?Great idea! Glad I thought of it! Call all the chuunin and jounin level kunoichis, forget that old hag Koharu, she?s useless, just likes to nag me all day about formalities. Well? What are you waiting for?? Tsunade stared crossly at poor put-upon Shizune.
    ?Y?yes Hokage-sama. That?s a good idea. I?ll call them immediately?? Shizune ran off to summon whoever was available.


    The Meeting
    ?I?ve called you all today to discuss how to increase enrollment of kunoichis. There?s been a marked decline in the number of young girls registering in the academy. The other problem is retention. A large number drop out, and as you know, very few ever make it to chuunin or jounin levels. I would like to hear some of your thoughts and suggestions on this matter.? Tsunade looked at the group and frowned. Anko, Kurenai, and?that?s it?! Where was every one else?
    Shizune came in with four bottles of sake, a pot of tea and several cups. ?I felt a more informal setting might help us brainstorm some ideas. Maybe I should start a mind map diagram??
    The other three looked at her quizzically. Shizune shrugged and sat down.
    Anko, Kurenai and Tsunade poured themselves some sake, while Shizune stuck to tea.
    Tsuande asked ?Where?s Suzume? She should be part of this.?
    ?She said she couldn?t make it. The flower arrangement class had a field trip.? explained Shizune.
    Kurenai and Anko started to say, ?Who needs that stuck up??
    Tsunade cleared her voice crossly, cutting them off. ?Okay, let?s just start. Why are we having problems recruiting, retaining, and promoting kunoichis??
    Shizune stood and picked up a piece of chalk, poised to write down any ideas.

    Kurenai started, ?Well, it?s not like there?s any special incentive for women. There?s no maternity leave, no special benefits...? She took a sip of her sake from her cup.
    Anko broke in, ?A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same results?? She took a swallow from her cup.
    Kurenai continued, ?And what parent would want their daughter to be a kunoichi? A boy with violent tendencies is one thing, but?? She finished the rest of her cup in two gulps.
    ?And kunoichis have to take more electives. We really have more work to do. It?s not just training for combat?? Anko finished the rest of her cup in one gulp.
    Kurenai suggested enthusiastically, ?Hey, maybe if we were paid better than the men??
    Tsunade shook her head. ?That?s reverse discrimination. It would get us in trouble.? She poured the rest of her bottle into her cup.
    Anko pondered, ?Well, the real problem, as I see it, is the girls are intimidated by the boys. They?re not encouraged to participate and the male senseis treat them like little girls instead of potential shinobis.? She started to drink from her bottle directly.
    Kurenai nodded. ?Yeah! Anko?s right! They encourage the boys to train and fight and they send the girls to practice sharpening weapons and arrange flowers!? She took a swig from her bottle.
    ?Those men are always treating us kunoichi like second class citizens, there?s not a good one among them!? Anko tipped her bottle over her tongue and tapped the bottom to get the last drop.
    Shizune wrote furiously on the chalkboard, ?no maternity leave, more work, intimidation, fight vs flowers, second class??
    Kurenai slammed her empty bottle on the table. ?Yeah! Anko?s right! It?s depressing how?s there?s not one single decent dateable guy around here!?
    Anko and Kurenai sighed and eyed their sake bottles sadly. Tsunade gestured to Shizune for more.


    The Meeting Degenerates
    Shizune asked, while placing another bottle on Tsunade?s desk, ?Don?t you think you?re being a bit hard on them? I mean, I think they?re all pretty nice??
    Anko shouted out, ?If they?re nice, they?re gay!? She dispensed with her sake cup entirely and drank straight from the bottle right off the bat.
    Kurenai, laughed raucously in agreement with her sake bottle in one hand, and sputtered sake all over her shirt, ?Yeah, Anko?s right! The good ones are all taken or gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that??
    ?Yes there is! Means less guys for us!? complained Anko.
    Tsunade looked at Shizune sharply, ?Why aren?t you writing this all down Shizune?!?
    ?Huh??
    Tsunade, ?Start writing damn it! What are you good for!?
    Shizune wrote on the chalkboard, ?gay??
    ?And if they like women, they?re freakin? perverts!? Anko shouted.
    Kurenai agreed, ?Yeah! Anko?s right! They?re all a bunch of perverts who just want to cop a feel or screw you without taking you to a nice dinner! Write that down Shizune!?
    Shizune started to blush and wrote ?perverts?? next to ?gay??
    Tsunade mused, ?I think we should get back on track, but this is much more interesting? More sake Shizune! Break out the good stuff for everyone!?
    Shizune returned with another half dozen bottles.
    ?Have you ever noticed the size and shape of these little sake bottles?? Kurenai smiled and stroked her bottle suggestively.
    Anko doubled over with laughter. Tsunade started to crack a smile. Shizune turned redder.
     
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  2. Kyosan

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    Yeah, I liked this... it's pretty funny.
     
  3. Uchiha-Itachi89

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    heh i bet the sake bottle are smaller :p
     
  4. Kopykat Kakashi

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    Author's note: This section was not part of my original story, but since a few people suggested it, I wrote this little piece on the genin.

    The Men of the Future
    Tsunade, ?You know, we have to prevent these men from influencing their charges."
    Kurenai, ?It?s probably too late. Chances are Naruto has already been influenced by both Kakashi and Jiraiya. Sasuke has no interest in girls. Shikamaru is a misogynist. Lee is just like Gai. Choji is fat which makes him automatically??
    Anko, ?Damn, another generation of gays and perverts! When will this ever end!?
    Shizune, ?Well, if we can recruit enough kunoichi, and if the sensei are women??
    Kurenai, ?I have to say my two genin, Shino and Kiba are relatively normal??
    Anko, ?Hah! That?s what you think! Their abnormal obsessions with bugs and dogs?what sexual disorder do you call that??
    Shizune, ?I think you?re thinking of beastiality??
    Anko, "Yeah, that's it!"
    Kurenai, ?Sigh, I guess there?s nothing to be done then.?
    Tsunade, ?At least the girls are normal, right??
    Kurenai, ?Well, let?s see?Ino and Sakura are obsessed with Sasuke. Hinata is obsessed with Naruto?that Tenten girl hangs out with Neji quite a bit??
    Anko, ?Ah, the Hyuuga clan. Now there?s an interesting combination.?
    Tsunade, ?What do you mean??
    Anko, ?Well, think about the byakugan?s abilities.?
    Kurenai, ?Their penetrating vision!?
    Anko, ?That?s right. A technique envied by perverts everywhere.?
    Kurenai, thinking about the chuunin prelims when Neji looked at her with his activated byakugan, ?Neji?s not a pervert is he??
    Anko, ?Well, he has that supercool attitude like Sasuke??
    Kurenai, ?You mean he?s a gay pervert??
    Tsunade, ?That probably goes for all the Hyuuga men. They?re all cold and condescending to women. And look at their hair! It?s longer than any of ours, sleeker and better maintained too!?
    Shizune, ?I?ve always been envious of their hair, sigh.? She ran her fingers through her own short mussed up hair with split ends.
    Kurenai, ?Damn them all! I hate men with better hair than me!?
    Anko nodded and played with her kunai, ?I?d love to give that Hiashi a haircut, a real close one??
    Tsuande, ?Well, it looks like even the gay pervert ones are taken.?
     
  5. Vance

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    Wow... I can't even read it...
     
  6. Gecka

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    hmm vry good. part 2 is a little shacky, but cool.
     
  7. Vance

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